To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

Suit yourself.

Who's forcing it?

I was never friends with either of the bosses who invited employees to their homes. Friendship wasn't on offer and I didn't expect it because I understand boundaries. I don't expect that OP regards her boss as her friend.

Where the idea comes from that you have to be friends before having lunch at someone's house or before offering someone lunch I don't know.

There is an expectation to accept due to not wanting to offend. The power dynamics mean that turning down the invitation has disadvantages for OP.

Christmas parties are a work event. The dinner party is an outside of work event. To me they are different to whoever equated them.

I work for a UK mobile operator. So very corporate. This scenario wouldn’t happen. And I’m glad. Plenty of team building events/oppurtunities during working hours.

I used to work for a very senior manager who regularly invited all her management team round to her house for lasagne and a swingball tournament. She was a hoot! In my industry, socialising together is very much the norm, either at the pub or at each other's houses. Lots of people I work with have summer parties which are all colleagues, partners and kids.

I do think it's a bit sad not to socialise with your colleagues outside work, if you all get on well together.

Would you also consider a woman an ungrateful twat, who was in the same position? And would you find it acceptable if a man insisted his wife gets dragged out with the kids for a boring work lunch during, what should be, family time?

I wouldn't make him go, nor would I verbally abuse him for not doing so like many on here have suggested. Nor should it be pointed out to him that he should be grateful he can be a sahp. Does it not benefit you, him being a sahp? Or does he do nothing all day and you still do all the work at home too?

Its an interesting thread to read though and the double standards are incredible!

The job that OP can do due her husband doing the child rearing

No, people want to see friends at weekends and do things they want to do. Not what their boss wants them to do.

Unless they work at weekends.

I also think doing to a colleague's house is too personal. It's better not to know that your boss lives in a £1 million house!

I do think it's a bit sad not to socialise with your colleagues outside work, if you all get on well together

That can be precisely the reason that you do get on well together - because you don't see too much of each other except at work!

It definitely benefits me and I've said as much on a few of my posts.
I would never say some of the suggested things to him, except (as I have done) that he needs to step up on Housework- still trying to make this sink into him...
I already told him he doesn't need to go if he doesn't want to, but I want to take the kids with me as it was a "family lunch" invitation. We wouldn't be having family time anyway as most Subdays he plays a sport and is out doing that for about 4 hours.

@parkrun500club

No, people want to see friends at weekends and do things they want to do. Not what their boss wants them to do.

It’s one weekend!

People are acting as if the boss has asked the DH to move in with her.

It’s one weekend!

People are acting as if the boss has asked the DH to move in with her.

It's ridiculous isn't it!?! 😂😂

DH and I have both been to any number of these things for each other over the years, sometimes including kids and sometimes not, and actually 9 out of 10 times, they turn out to be pretty enjoyable, but we both like meeting new people and socialising. I could understand resentment if it was every week or even every month, but that doesn't sound like the case here. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a partner who was such a misanthrope he couldn't find a way to frame it as at least a potentially enjoyable afternoon.

Confession time: both DH and I have invited colleagues (including subordinate colleagues) to things. Sometimes dinners, sometimes larger parties, sometimes a mix of colleagues and friends. We're looking to cement team relationships and foster people having a good time while offering hospitality, not judging anyone on the perfections or imperfections of their nuclear family. We make it clear that spouses and partners are welcome but not mandatory.

Additionally, in our profession there's often a celebratory team dinner after a project finishes. Sometimes, when the clients are involved, they prefer it just be the team, but if it's up to one of us, we include spouses and partners in the invite.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Boss is cherry-picking the employees to invite to lunch. That is inviting sycophantic behaviour and it makes him a bit of a twat. Good bosses don't do that, they don't need to, they also know that it is bad for the workplace.

Alternatively, the boss is inviting all employees over at different times? Sunday lunch for some, evening drinks for others?

@Kartyb

There is an expectation to accept due to not wanting to offend. The power dynamics mean that turning down the invitation has disadvantages for OP.

Obviously I don't speak for all bosses, but I can say in our case that is absolutely not true. We started doing this years ago in response to feedback from our departments that they wanted a bit less separation between work and home. People are always free to say no - it's easy - just say you have a prior obligation/family event/whatever.

Absolutely if she did as little as he seems to do. Also the op thinks her children would enjoy it and is willing to take them on her own.
Neither i nor my DH ever had a job where this is a thing but if we did I hope we would be supportive of each others career.

I’m a SAHP, my DH has a very well paid job and I have not once been expected to do anything like this, Thank goodness. This hasn’t affected his career in any way. I’m shocked at some of these responses!

I'm often shocked on here how many posters take a nice, friendly invitation to a pleasant occasion as some sort of 'demand' or 'expectation'.
It is often seen on the wedding threads and seems to have spilled over on to this thread.
When dh comes home and says "Dave has invited some of us from work over for lunch on Sunday - you are invited, and the kids", my first thought is 'how nice'. It is nice to be invited to social occasions in my book. I enjoy meeting his colleagues and being able to put a face to a name. In terms of other partners, I start with the expectation that everyone I meet is nice, and assume that until proved otherwise.

I don't get this whole negativity about spending time with people you haven't met before. Why assume 'you have nothing in common', why not start from the assumption you might.

My response isn’t intended to be rude to you, “Struggling with esteem , my arse”. He’s a lazy sod. I have NO patience with these navel-gazers and even less patience with their enablers.

Exactly.

It is quite startling how many people who post on MN seem unable to make conversation with people for a few hours over lunch - especially with dc there which gives everyone a very easy conversation starter.

There's drawing sensible boundaries between work and home life and then there's digging bloody ginormous trenches.

I suspect those thinking it’s an outrageous imposition are in relatively low level jobs, with set ‘hours’.

Nope. I'm a partner in a large law firm. I don't expect or want my employees to come to lunch with me and bring their children.

I'm struck by how so many people make the assumption that going out to lunch with people you don't know will be boring and hard work. It might be the most interesting or funniest experience you've had for months. If it's boring, you can always change the subject and liven things up. Boring people find things boring because they are boring people.

The thing with invitations like these is that they might be nice, but equally might not be. It all depends on the boss, the dynamic at work etc. We are all judging based on our own experiences/colleagues. OP likes her boss and is viewing it positively but even she knows this will help with her career, and its not a thing that can be easily declined - it's not an invitation without consequence. Despite the dh being a lazy arse when it comes to housework, I really can see his pov in not wanting to get involved in this kind of work thing.

feedback from our departments that they wanted a bit less separation between work and home

they wanted LESS separation between work and home?

That stood out for me, too. Why?!