To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

I wonder if I am the only one who is feeling sorry for the OP's boss and his wife? The company that @OopsyDaisie works at does not sound like some enormous conglomerate where the only important factors are making money and speed!

The OP's workplace sounds much more like a company my dear departed mum used to work for. It had an owner/managing director, his secretary/PA, and then a few departments that had their own department heads. One was where the manufacturing took place, another was a smallish warehouse, then there was the accounts department - where my mum worked (they still used calculators, and some sort of small machine where you input numbers and they came out on a role, they weren't called computers, but then this was the 1970's) - then the last proper department was the filing department, which was a smallish room filled with rows of files, and just one member of staff who did the full-time filing there. Everyone knew everyone else's names at that firm, and at least a potted history of most of their colleagues.

If the OP's work place is similar in size to the place my mum worked, and just as friendly, then her boss is probably trying to do a nice thing for his staff, and not for networking reasons for goodness sake, just for fun - hence them being invited as families, to just relax and enjoy themselves. His wife may also feel a little stressed about providing the lunch. I know that my mum's old boss's wife used to enjoy holding these occassional events, but as she was a normal human being, she would get a little stressed in case something went wrong! As I mentioned before, they were not some large corporation, who when holding events would employ outside caterers to provide the refreshments etc.

So in my imagination OopsyDaisie's boss and his wife are just trying to do a nice and friendly thing. They would probably be quite upset if they knew that at least some of their invited staff would feel obliged to go, and that some of their staff's spouses and children were trying to think of ways to get out of going! Please go with your children OP, and have an enjoyable time, which by the sounds of it will be much better without your selfish husband's presence.

and to keep on top of house stuff if the kids are at school/nursery for part of the day.

Which he is not doing.

They would probably be quite upset if they knew that at least some of their invited staff would feel obliged to go

Of course they are obliging their staff to attend. Why else extend the invitation? It's not a nice and friendly thing it's a work event in the boss's home. The nice thing would be for the boss to offer to take staff out to dinner once in a while, to a restaurant/pub/whatever. All staff, not this. Unless there are only two employees in the company the boss is making a point and being a twat about it.

TBF my Boss does this as well, about 3x a year. Boss and DP both cook very well and like hosting, I know they host a lot for their personal friends as Boss talks about it many Mondays lol
I do think it will be a laid back and enjoyable lunch, which will also allow me to increase level with relationship with Boss. But I can see many spouses would agree with my DH over not going - which I get.
I'm decides on going and taking the kids, so we will still attend "as family", and kids always like meeting someone else to play with - roughly their age.

They have a cleaner and the kids are at school. The husband still expects the OP to do the housework. I think calling himself a SAHP is pushing it. He's not exactly run ragged.

When you call him an "ungrateful twat" you imply that his role is somehow beneath that of his wife. And also that being a SAHP is only beneficial to him and not the whole family.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Unless there are only two employees in the company the boss is making a point and being a twat about it.

Why do you see inviting someone to lunch as “being a twat”?

I just can’t see how anyone can square that circle. In what universe is extending an invitation “being a twat”?

I get that some people may find that level of intimacy with an employer pressured and awkward. I get that sometimes people might not want to do it.

But to interpret it as hostile seems such a leap. Who would go to the hassle of preparing an elaborate meal for someone they didn’t like?

It’s such a paranoid way to see the world…

Well they have a cleaner and op does a fair amount of housework so apart from school runs he doesn't seem to bring much to the table. I would think the same if the sexes were reversed. I was a sahp for a while and found it much easier than working but that's an unpopular view on here.

Your boss is so weird for even inviting you. Unless you have made a separate friendship outside of work it is inappropriate to mix business and pleasure.

Not asking you to agree, just not to call different opinions "faux".

Right, most people may have partners who will support them in this stuff. But what about the ones who don't? Should they suffer in their careers because of it? Or the people whose partners really can't for whatever reason. Or the people who don't have partners who would make a good impression.

You're ok with the way this stuff works because you're clearly suited to it and have benefitted from it. And like anyone who's benefitting from a system, you're talking about it like it's some sort of law of the universe that can't be changed. It could be changed, if the people within it resolved to change it. And like anyone who benefits from a system, you've got a giant blind spot on how it can disadvantage others.

I’d insist on everyone going. It’s in his best interests too. It’s about putting on a united front. Looks shitty for him not to go and looks odd if the kids don’t go. He’s invited you for a family lunch. Your boss means ‘the family’.

I think it's absolutely dreadful to expect spouses to be supports in this way. Kathy Lette , who generally isn't funny, was spot on when she described this as being a "human handbag" draped over the succesful spouse's arm.

Agree 100%.

Such rubbish.

Not a fan of work Christmas parties then if it's inappropriate to mix work and pleasure?

Boss is cherry-picking the employees to invite to lunch. That is inviting sycophantic behaviour and it makes him a bit of a twat. Good bosses don't do that, they don't need to, they also know that it is bad for the workplace.

OP seems to think that this will curry favour for her career which is really quite sad.

There. I've explained. No paranoia, just a dislike of over-stepping office boundaries. I don't mind if you entirely disagree, we're commenting based on our own experiences.

Honestly, I genuinely think I live in a completely different world to some people on here.

2 of my oldest and best friends, I met at work 36 years ago

where else do adults meet new friends?

I'm sure you do. I'm an employer. I wouldn't invite an employee and her husband and children to lunch unless the employee was separately a friend.

I also would never dream of making my employee's career development being impacted on by her husband.

Yes but that is exactly the point I made. If your friends, then sure, spend as much time together as you please. But if you’re not friends and you are forcing a social interaction a la 1960 that is odd and unprofessional.

If he can’t understand that your job allows him to stay at home then stop subsidising him and make him go back to work.

I'm sure you do. I'm an employer. I wouldn't invite an employee and her husband and children to lunch unless the employee was separately a friend.

Just because you wouldn't do it or it's not common in your sector doesn't make it wrong.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

There. I've explained. No paranoia, just a dislike of over-stepping office boundaries. I don't mind if you entirely disagree, we're commenting based on our own experiences.

I just think that’s an entirely outdated and unrealistic view of the world of work.

A lot of careers require a lot of close working and networking and it’s more or less essential to have good relationships with the people you work with. Seeking to strengthen relationships with individuals isn’t “encouraging sycophantic behaviour” it’s just necessary.

In any case the boss and her husband probably can’t invite every single employee over just to avoid the risk that some paranoid person thinks they are encouraging sycophantic behaviour. Unless they are multi millionaires they won’t have money or space.

Would you feel that you could never invite just one friend over, you have to invite everyone you know? Almost certainly not. It’s the same thing with work: not everyone can always be at the same events all the time. That’s life and if you can’t be a grown up about it you’re probably not suited to being in this position.

It just sounds like you have a very old fashioned view of socialising at work.

You're just being obnoxious now and I'm done chatting with you, thepeopleversuswork.

I've worked for a couple of small creative companies which have been run on this personal sort of line. Used to love being invited to Sunday lunch with my boss's family in their huge house in Kensington, with a taxi to and from home which they paid for. I used to enjoy the opportunity of getting to know my colleagues outside the office, too. Some of us are still in touch 30 years on.

Going to lunch or dinner doesn't mean you're friends with your boss. The bosses I've known who've worked that way have been good to work for — generous and genuinely concerned about the well-being of their employees.

I guess for those who work in big corporations or high street big names the idea of going out for a meal with the boss is unthinkable.