Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

Hmm so the child's father is less important than you? Is that what you are saying?

A baby that age needs their Mum, I would have to say say No. I made the mistake of letting my in-laws take my 6 year old daughter abroad for a week with her older brother and she cried every day for me. I regret letting them be so domineering and book a holiday without my say so.

If not breastfeeding why would they need their mum more than dad?

For the reason cited in the post right above yours!!

No, I'd imagine my DH wouldn't want me to go on holiday for a week with our baby either.

If one parent wants to be away from their partner and baby for a week, they can go away but no one should effectively force, or coerce, or make a decision on behalf of the other parent to separate from their very young child if they don't want to??

I think your DS could have a lot of pleasure from being away with his dad and GPs. He could have lovely experiences he couldn't have at home/childminder and I think that should be your guiding principle. Only if you think he would be deeply distressed at being with his dad only should you refuse imo. And if that's the case, it's not ideal and something I'd be working on as you should be equal parents.

Which reason?

Massive red flag for me. They've already booked the holiday with your child without your consent?! No fucking way I'll let my child alone with them for even 1h, let alone a week. Don't care if that's their way of trying to bond with your child, that's not OK, not a healthy way to do it, and not in the interest of the child. I don't know any toddler or young child who would happily spend 1 week away from their mom (excluding abusive of course).

Too bad for them they've booked it already, that was stupid. I would refuse my child to go with them without me.

you are the mum, if your instincts say that it’s not the time yet, then it’s not. I too would feel uncomfortable, given that your child doesn't know his grandparents very well.

it is unreasonable to ask your husband not to go, as he’s right re not knowing how many opportunities he will get with his presumably, ageing parents.

Babies usually spend most of the time with their Mother. There's always going to be exceptions! but most of the time baby is very close to Mum and would be distressed to be apart for a week.

I am totally with you OP. I have a 9mo. I wouldn’t be agreeing to let him overnight without me for a long time. And certainly not in another country without me. I also have a 4yo and have only been away one night without him. I always arrange to be back overnight. They’re only little for so long. There’s plenty of time for older children to go away without you.

i really hope you can find a resolution with GPs and partner that doesn’t paint you to be the bad guy - I don’t think you are but it must feel like you are if you’re in the minority.

Yes. OP stated that she’s the primary caregiver. I absolutely wouldn’t be ok with my toddler going abroad for a week with grandparents he doesn’t know well and a parent who isn’t the primary carer. Absolutely not. I find it strange that the husband can’t understand this and why his parents wouldn’t include the OP.

I agree. Really bizarre behaviour. I’m not surprised the OP is having sleepless nights, I feel on edge and it’s not my baby!

Do you have children/been around any toddlers?

I have a toddler. He doesn't need me more than his dad.

Of course Managed to successfully bring up 3 children of my own and have 4 grandchildren. So probably have far more parenting experience than you Your point being?

YABU.

You say that gp 'don't have a great bond' yet here they are trying to remedy that somewhat and you're objecting.

And your main objection is that he's too young to be away from a parent - but when a parent was invited to address that, you continued to object.

DS will be as safe and happy with his dad as he would be with his mum.

So really you just don't like the idea of ds having fun without you. Understandable but selfish imo.

If my mum invited me and dc on holiday there is no way dp would try to prevent it, and I wouldn't allow it if he did.

I'm really surprised at some of the replies on here, at the number of women who wouldn't allow their children to go on holiday with their father. That's crazy to me. We are our own worst enemies. So often mothers complain about workload and yet at every turn we make out we are the superior, more important parent and the baby isn't safe or happy with their dad, perpetuating the myth that the childcare is women's work.

Different perspective - I broke up with father of my child when she was a baby
From 18 months she was going to stay with him without me and it's been absolutely fine. He was very absent when she was a baby but a great toddler dad. I suspect you will feel very differently next year so maybe bide your time and see how your little one is getting on in 6 months time. allows you to make a decision based on their behaviour not your assumptions of what it will be like.

YANBU. My son is 18 months and I couldn't imagine being away from him for a week. He has a very good relationship with my in-laws (smiles as soon as he sees them, runs towards them, hugs them for a long time when we first meet, etc) and I wouldn't let them take him away for a week without me! 20 months is still to young to comprehend why you aren't there - he won't care what's going on around him (holiday, weather, beach, etc) he'll just be searching for you.

I read this thinking it was like 2 - 3 days and then I read it was a week and I was like 'hell no!!!'

Your husband needs to understand this from your son's point of view, no way my husband would make me go along with this!

Keep the baby-fed too young. Encourage DH go and allow ds to go when he is 3.

YANBU to say you don't want your baby to go. I wouldn't have let mine go away without me.
YABU to say you don't want your DH to go, it's his parents, he should be able to go without you getting upset.

But his dad will be there with him too. He will be fine. So at what point is it more about the mother's needs, and less about the child's?

The argument about ur child ‘missing out’ is ridiculous. He’s a toddler. He won’t really care about a holiday. He wil miss his mum. I wouldn’t do it personally. A week is too long for me to be apart from mine at such a young age for no good reason

Because his a toddler he won't notice the holiday. But also because he is a toddler he shouldn't go on holiday. The biggest complaint on this board is men doing nothing with their children. TBH I think men are bringing to wake up to the fact the mother of their children believes she solely has parental responsibility. I would divorce you so fast if you thought you alone make choices for my child. Mental absolutely mental. I think the next few years will come as a shock to women and men who do this. It would take youb5 minutes to look at case law on this subject. If you went to court and said this you would certainly be assessed for coercive control and alienation. It's a conversation between two responsible adults about their child. If they are no longer breast feeding.