Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

Let DH take the baby and you enjoy a week to yourself.

I’m always a bit suspicious of grandparents who are desperate to pry a baby away from it’s mother

Yes, god forbid a child develops relationships with relatives who's not his mother. Such as his father and his grandparents. That's really suspicious...

I guess it only 'takes a village' as long as the mother get to decide.

All this talk about grandparents bonding is a load of rubbish. They make zero effort to see the child who will be traumatised by not seeing his mum for a week. So his father can manage the odd morning, woohoo! How amazing is he?
No part of this holiday is about the child who has no idea what a holiday is and has no need of one.
It is in the child’s interest to stick to his routine and stay safe and untraumatised.

So your child will be three years old at the time of the holiday?

Big difference between a two and three year old. I think you're completely overreacting your child will be with his Father.

He'll be 20 months.

No - he’ll be just shy of 2. I still understand this is still a big difference from now to then

Oh sorry I read it as he's 20 months now.

They likely do not want to sit in the family home with op and the other 2 children which is why they opted for dates that they wouldn't be available...

Your point is moot - I specified father and grandparents. Obviously GPs alone would be worse than daycare as they have had little to no contact.

Spot on, @Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson. I'm staggered by the number of people on this thread who are putting the wishes of the grandparents, the supposed rights of the father or some confused idea of 'fairness' over the welfare of a very young child, which should be the only priority. Babies do not typically "have a ball" on foreign holidays; more often than not they're confused and out of sorts at the abrupt change from their usual environment and routine. Add to that the sudden disappearance of their primary caregiver and this child is likely to be really quite unsettled and unhappy for the duration of the trip.

This plan is of no benefit to him whatsoever - it is purely pandering to the whims of the adults concerned, and it would be an absolute no from me. Except that my husband would never have suggested separating my babies from me for a full week at that age.

I took my ds on a family holiday abroad to visit with in laws when he was 2 years old, and I cannot imagine at 2 my child being comfortably away from me for that length of time. Me being there helped him feel confident enough to get to know in laws and enjoy the holiday. Without me there he would have spent the entire time confused and sad even with his dad there.

Supposed rights of the father lol 😆 he's her husband he's name will be on the birth certificate he can legally take the baby if he really wanted to hes got equal rights! It's respect preventing him doing so.

Can't agree more with everything you and @Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson have said. Posters saying baby will have a lovely time are morons.

I don't understand why in a 2 parent relationship , you get to (or your husband) unilaterally decide what happens to the child you both had equal,part in creating. You said no to the child going without a latent, they came up with a solution. If they have been kinship carers they can clearly deal, are responsible with children, so them and your husband should be fine looking after 1 child. The fact birth if you have gone straight to no it's no discussion, is more the issue for me, as that's more difficult to resolve. You can't go, and have 2 older children not invited, can there be a compromise on the length of time they go?

What the fuck? ‘Blood relatives only’… and you think that’s normal and ‘fair enough’?

They’ve only visited the OP’s house a couple of times in two years. They really don’t care that much about this child. Expecting to be able to waltz off with them on holiday is fucking mental.

There’s no way either of my children would have coped let alone enjoyed a week away in the circumstances you have described. Ultimately do what is best for your son.

Just let your DH go alone and don’t worry about it.

Some people don't go ah married? That's my new daughter woop woop 🙌 they may struggle to fake an interest in ops other children not everybody is into extended family! My brother had twins and I couldn't visit because the mother had 4 other kids I'd get absolutely zero time with my nieces because these random kids was asking me 300 questions, gathering around me and totally taking the dairy from my nieces! I starting saying please meet me at the park! Not everyone wants to build relationships with extended family not at all lol

Absolutely agree.

This thread has way too much focus on the father's rights and 'fairness' to the grandparents.

Not nearly enough focus on the toddler.

I wouldn’t have agreed to be separated for that amount of time from my son at that age.

For those saying ‘Have a week to yourself’ - I just could not have relaxed.

I would not have let him fly without me, due entirely to my fear of flying. But also would not want to be so far away if anything happened (accident/illness).

I would not allow anyone to tell me they were taking my child away on holiday. And that includes his (lovely and capable) Dad. Because who tells a mother that??? Likewise, when thinking of taking my son to my parents for a few days without my husband, we always discussed it first.

Reasonable people suggest the idea and have a conversation. They don’t tell, or force quick decisions.

I would not want my child being away with people he does not see on a regular basis. My son had three nights away with my parents (who he adores) when he was about 4 and he got itchy about 2 days in, wanting me.

That is so true.

I agree that there isn’t that much focus on the toddler and where there is it is assumptions about what the child will or won’t cope with that aren’t (and can’t) be evidenced. But there is far more focus in the thread on the OP’s needs/feelings/rights than the father’s or grandparents’.

I don't think you can really make a decision TOGETHER until nearer the time as you have no idea what your DS's temperament will be like as he approaches 2.
On one hand, I think it would be good for him to have a fun holiday with his dad and grandparents, compared to being with a childminder all week but on the other hand, I'd be pissed off that they've arranged and booked it in term time when they knew you wouldn't be able to go, especially as they don't make a huge effort to see him.
I'd be absolutely fine with DH going and I'd be packing his bag and shoving him out of the door! 😁

That may be the case, but you also can’t decide and tell someone you’re taking their child away without them on a week long holiday and expect them to just hand them over when you barely see said child.

Their desires do not trump the wellbeing of their grandchild. If they really wanted to see their grandchild, they would do so even if that meant seeing their grandchild’s siblings.

I think it’s fine. I’ve taken my dc on holiday without dh younger than that. And my eldest was 16 months old when I left her with Dh and went to Australia for 2 weeks for work. It was fine on both counts.

Unless your Dh and ILs are raging addicts with connections to the child trafficking underworld, I don’t see any massive issues other than you just might not like the idea of it.

FWIW, Dh and 16 month old dd had a fab time together when I went away and I think Dh had a much greater appreciation for everything I did being her primary caregiver up to that point.

Seriously I'm baffled at the level of women who exercise this level of control or need to. Court ordered time with a child can begin at birth. At 6 months you begin work on over nights or full days by 1 50 /50 kicks in. If my son came to me and said he is not allowed to bring my grandchild to me on his own because his wife said so I would begin to get very very worried. If my daughter said thus to me I'd be terrified. It's like some kind of dystopia do people really marry men like this. Why why