Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

You've gonna wonder why the parents are excluding op ay.

Would you in the same breath expect to be able to demand your son’s toddler and take them abroad, without either parent, despite hardly ever having met them?

Because that’s what preceded this.

Baby stays, DH can go.

I left my daughter for 10 days when she was 10mnths and it was fine. Exh is an arse but him and his mum did look after her, no impact to our relationship as she doesn’t remember. TBH I was dying for a break and some sleep at that point.

OP I feel like it’s too early for you to know what todo. DS is going to change a lot over the next 10mnths, presumably you’re not back at work yet and it’s just too much to think about for the moment. I probably wouldn’t even think about and shelve it for now to revise at a later date.

Red herring something is wrong listen to sorry read everything key information she us alienated from her parents and fundamentally doesn't understand why someone would want a relationship with their parents. If this is a reverse this is coercive control and still is if it isn't.

My youngest is an only grandchild to my mother and father-in-law. They take her to their caravan (close to where we live) in school holidays but also do a 1-2 week stint at their home 250 miles away from us.

Initially I was nervous but she learns new things from them and loves the independence. She has stayed with them since she was about 16 months after I finished breastfeeding.

Long term it has been a lovely relationship to watch and in a selfish way, me and my husband get some time together (the 2 older teenagers are still at home but they are less needy!!).

As long as they care and be safe I think it is a nice thing to offer even if you maybe don't feel it yet.

OP, you don't want your baby to go and this should have been the end of the discussion.
If the GPs want to spend time with baby they should have booked the holidays outside term so you could join them. Probably it is quite innocent and they just want to spend time with their GC. Don't see the harm.
I would be piss off with my DH because of not respecting my decision and overriding my feelings. You and your husband are supposed to be a team.
Do you have any concerns about your your DC safety for example, will they have suncream, enough water,etc.?
If you do I would stick to my ground and baby is not going anywhere. If you don't, I will have a serious chat with my husband about respecting each others wills but let them go this time. They probably will have fun :)

I can't believe some of the replies on here. A child going away with his father and grandparents while mom works is an issue??? If this was the other way round, everyone would be telling mom to go for it and commenting that dad was being a man child for having concerns! If you trust him enough to have a child with him, you should trust him enough to take said child on holiday. You sound unbearable and controlling (just like people say about the husbands usually!).

Separation anxiety usually kicks in around 6 - 8 months

By the time the child is 20 months old, they have a better understanding that the person hasn't disappeared for ever

I wouldn't allow it personally. Maybe when older. I've always worked full time and bedtimes and weekends are precious! Maybe a shorter trip eg overnight for starters.

there is a big difference between the baby’s current age and a 20 month old. Everyone should maybe wait until closer to the time to decide? Dad’s can get a lot more involved when they’re bigger too.

I wouldn’t let DH take a baby abroad without me. We all have our boundaries and that would be one for me. If something happened, God forbid, I’d want to be able to get there.

Honestly, if you aren’t comfortable with your LO being away it’s your choice, but at twenty months he would be a lot less dependent! I’ve just come from the reverse side - in education you holistically get more allocated leave than other jobs, so I often take the kids a few hours away from my OH as he has to work, often with my mum. I love the fact she gets to spend quality time with her grandkids, which is difficult to manage otherwise, I get a change about for a long 6 weeks otherwise and my OH gets some nice rest! Which is lovely! Been doing it from when my youngest was about 15montgs…. My OH understands we don’t need to do everything together, and that the kids benefit from lots of different experiences with people who love them,….

This! My kids are much older and I would never allow this. They’ve only stayed at my Inlaws on 2 occasions in 13 years, as there is no need. We’ve all been away together, it’s odd to be excluded. Either you all go or your child doesn’t go. Put your foot down or they will expect more and more. You are the parent. Some grandparents are very hands on and some aren’t, it’s not a bad thing and you’re certainly not a bad parent parent for saying no. I cen see it will cause you a lot of emotional trauma if your child goes. Just say thank you but right now the answer is no, but maybe as time goes on you may change your mind. Some people will not see this as a big deal but I can honestly see why you’re upset. Be true to yourself. You are the mother.

My son wouldn’t have been ok with this at 20 months but it depends on your child’s temperament and his relationship with his dad.

Separation anxiety tends to peak between 12-24 months, although to the latter end of that , children have more verbal understanding eg that mummy’s coming back.. but a week is still a long time at that age.

One option is that you could have a plan over the six months of gradually increasing the amount of time he is with DS without you to see how it goes? Eg see how he copes with an overnight without you and take it from there?

Alternatively, you could thank them for their kind offer, say DS won’t be coming at 20 months without you (although DH will) but that you would be happy to look at it again the following year/one after that? After 3 years old he’s likely to find it easier.

They way they communicated their “wish” is totally wrong. It’s not ok for them to say they’re taking DS on a holiday. They have to ask BOTH of you if you’d be ok with the plan and get approval from BOTH of you BEFORE booking anything.
This is something you need to make clear to BOTH DH and his parents. Clearly they are used to other family dynamics (one where they think they can just follow their own plan) but that doesn’t mean that has to be the dynamic they have with your family. The only way that dynamic can be changed is by spelling it out clearly that you don’t want that dynamic. You are not denying them contact with DS, but sleepovers, days outs, holidays etc are only ok after asking and getting the ok from both of you.

as an aside, I don’t live in the UK but am pretty sure what I’m going to say also applies to travelling /flying out of the UK as it’s an international thing. Written permission has to be given for minors to travel abroad with 1 parent or people other than the parents. This is an international thing to prevent child abduction (eg by the other parent) and airport staff DO ask for these documents (not always, but I know enough people who have been asked for these documents when travelling with minors).

Not tooting my own horn but my nearly 3 yo DS would be lost without me for a whole week. Hes absolutely fine for a few hours or a whole day like with his dad but at night time, a whole week, no way, I think it’s absurd the grandparents have suggested it when you’ve said they don’t see him very often!
my DP has DS a lot on his own for full days while I work at weekends, but he went away for 4 days in June, DS would have been 2.5 yo, and by day 3 he was really really struggling.

Kids are adaptable so long as with carers who love them.

Let them go. If DH moves out then he could ask for 50:50 custody and then you would have to deal with your anxiety. Why can’t he spend time with his own kid and family.

alternatively ask school for leave of absence and take it unpaid. It is possible to do. Sucks as don’t have annual leave but I’ve known school staff take term holidays for events etc. or family booked holidays for them thinking it was half term and wasn’t.

your kid will cope with their dad and if you can’t trust him to do it then why are you with him?
let him do the lions share of childcare now so he can have a flavour

I am a grandparent and would never suggest taking a grandchild on holiday without asking the parents, then to ask your DH knowing you cannot go is out of order. Say No and your DH can please himself what he does

YANBU. Either the GPs offer to take all three of you as a family or they don't go with their GC. This is ridiculous. Why isn't your DH pushing back? Why is he letting his parents disrespect his partner like this?

It’s a tricky one and probably easier to decide if separated out into points.
I think Yabu to not want your husband to go without you, it’s not fair to dictate or make someone feel bad about spending time with I assume elderly (ish) parents, no one knows what is around the corner and spending time with family is so important.
Yanbu for feeling anxious about being separated from your little one for a week however his Dad I assume has full parental responsibility, the same as you.
You will be at work and he will be with a non family member (childcare provider) if he doesn’t go, instead of family members if he does.
My husband started taking ours away for long weekends Fri-Mon with grandparents from around the age of 18months, apart from the one that was still BF at that age, he started taking him from 2 1/2. It’s important for their relationship with him that they do go away with him because otherwise I’m the default parent. The way I see it you have a couple of options

1. Wave them off and trust your DH
2. Ask that they book a holiday within the uk and then wave them off to ease your mind about accessibility if it all goes pear shaped
3. pay the difference for what the holiday would cost in school holiday time and ask them to book it when you’re able to attend.

Making a fuss about your husband attending the holiday on his own is not even an option and if I were your DH, and you tried to put a downer on that option, I’d be really annoyed.

I get it will be hard without him but enjoy the break! So many mothers in here moan about partners not doing there bit. No wonder blokes think they can’t bloody win!

No, I would not let anyone take my baby away without me for a week.

How much contact had they had up to taking her away?