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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset DH wants to holiday without me

304 replies

Staywildandwander · 22/08/2024 19:19

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 11:29

2chocolateoranges · 23/08/2024 11:03

Not a chance my under 2 would be going on holiday abroad without me, I think your dh is being incredibly selfish to even go along with the suggestion and I’d be questioning our relationship if he went ahead with it.

For us annual leave is precious family time, we have been on weekends away with my mum but we all went, no one was left at home.

But op going adds 2 uninvited children!

BlossomOfOrange · 23/08/2024 11:40

Absolutely no way should your child go away without you when you don’t feel comfortable. Do not give in. Your DH can go alone.

It sounds like you could all go away in the school holidays if you and your DH contributed, so perhaps think about that and only go if you feel comfortable.

phoenixrosehere · 23/08/2024 11:40

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 11:29

But op going adds 2 uninvited children!

Show quote history

Not necessarily since the grandparents are going while school is in session and OP has her ex-DH, her older children’s father as a possible option.

cestlavielife · 23/08/2024 11:44

They will be fine!!
It s his parent and grandparents!
Great chance for toddler and dad to bond.
If anything happens to you he needs to be hands on.
Start now with dad doing more one on one time at weekend or evening while you go exercise or out

Mayorq · 23/08/2024 12:34

Biffbaff · 23/08/2024 08:37

Why could your wife and family not take care of your child without you? What happened instead? Because it sounds like you made her attend a family event without her own child just because you couldn't come too.

Show quote history

I know. That would be deplorable of someone to do.

Op should take note

Catza · 23/08/2024 12:41

HooverTheRoof · 22/08/2024 21:37

People who are saying "dad's are perfectly capable" etc don't seem to fully understand how a toddlers mind works. They don't understand how long a week is, they won't fully understand if/ when they will see their mum again. They'll probably feel abandoned by their own mother. That's not a fun holiday.

Edited

But no such concerns about them feeling the same way about their dad when mum takes them on holiday without him ..

Wasityoubecayse · 23/08/2024 12:57

I honest to God would divorce someone who I could not trust with his own child. That surely is grounds to leave. On the other side you sound controlling the baby is not just yours, if you split and get 50/50 then this would be happening. Man this is weird.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 12:59

Wasityoubecayse · 23/08/2024 12:57

I honest to God would divorce someone who I could not trust with his own child. That surely is grounds to leave. On the other side you sound controlling the baby is not just yours, if you split and get 50/50 then this would be happening. Man this is weird.

Edited

Exactly the baby is completely hers 😬 Yikes.

Original poster
Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 13:27

I don’t think there would be an issue if I could book on with the older 2.
They have another grandchild going of a similar age to my 2 who all get along really well. We got married abroad and they all went and it seemed fine. There may be more people going than this I’m not sure.

I’m more concerned that they don’t spend time with my DS now other than when we go over and he doesn’t have a relationship with them. They are always welcome to see us and know that.

For those saying that he should be with my DH/GPs instead of nursery- he goes to a childminder whom he has seen far more than his GPs and you can tell they have a great relationship. I have no objection with DH spending time with him but I’m concerned about DS not seeing me for a week and how this will impact him.

I’m not against DS going completely I’m shocked at the way it has been said to me (no notice and DH saying that’s how they do things). I understand it’s a while away and will see how things go.

I’m also trying to look at it from DHs point of view in terms of going away with his parents and wanting to enjoy that time together so understand I am being unreasonable here. On first thoughts on this I don’t spend time with my parents so don’t often think of this as something he would want to do.

OP posts:
Adelaff · 23/08/2024 13:54

Biffbaff · 23/08/2024 08:33

Have all these people who have said that the baby needs his mum, his primary caregiver, who needs to be there when he calls etc missed the fact he would normally be at nursery? In the hierarchy of care you're setting up here, surely father and grandparents are at least equal but more likely better than nursery in that respect?

That said it's obvious the fact they are going with friends who'll have a baby with them has influenced their decision to bring yours. Is it a competitive baby-off?

One thing that would concern me is pool safety and the need for constant vigilance which surely they are lacking experience in. As it's a year away I would be encouraging lots of practice!

Grandparents who have had as little contact with their grandchild as is the case with OP... yes, nursery would trump grandparents. But your point is moot as I doubt DC would fair well if they were left at nursery for a full week without contact with mum either.

OP - in your shoes, I would say no. It feels rubbish to be pressured, especially by family and when your spouse isn't aligned with your views and feelings. But you should trust your gut on this one xx

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:02

Adelaff · 23/08/2024 13:54

Grandparents who have had as little contact with their grandchild as is the case with OP... yes, nursery would trump grandparents. But your point is moot as I doubt DC would fair well if they were left at nursery for a full week without contact with mum either.

OP - in your shoes, I would say no. It feels rubbish to be pressured, especially by family and when your spouse isn't aligned with your views and feelings. But you should trust your gut on this one xx

Show quote history

They are trying to increase contact and bond with the baby tho.

Original poster
Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 14:20

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:02

They are trying to increase contact and bond with the baby tho.

Show quote history

Not quite.
They have told DH they are taking DS on holiday. Because I wasn’t happy with this they are now taking DH.
This in my book is not increasing contact.

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:21

Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 14:20

Not quite.
They have told DH they are taking DS on holiday. Because I wasn’t happy with this they are now taking DH.
This in my book is not increasing contact.

Show quote history

But they tried to spend time with the baby correct?

PurpleDiva22 · 23/08/2024 14:23

Would you consider DP and your child going for a reduced amount of time rather than a full week?

Sirzy · 23/08/2024 14:23

Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 14:20

Not quite.
They have told DH they are taking DS on holiday. Because I wasn’t happy with this they are now taking DH.
This in my book is not increasing contact.

Show quote history

How is it not increasing contact?

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2024 14:24

Staywildandwander · 22/08/2024 19:19

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

So you don’t want your child going with the grandparents, so they came up with a compromise for your husband (the baby’s dad!) to go as well. And you still aren’t happy? Yes, you are being a bit unreasonable

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:24

PurpleDiva22 · 23/08/2024 14:23

Would you consider DP and your child going for a reduced amount of time rather than a full week?

That's what I thought compromise is better than dictating surely.

Original poster
Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 14:24

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:21

But they tried to spend time with the baby correct?

Show quote history

Do they want to take the baby on holiday? Yes.
Do they see him other than when DH arranges for us to go over? No.

We have asked to come over, they’ve said no they’re busy on occasion (fair enough) we have asked them to come over to our house and they have mostly declined. I think they’ve been twice in the last 3 years. We live roughly an hour away from each other.

The contact is not the problem. If they don’t want to see us/DS. That’s their choice. I can’t make them. My issue is the expectation I will send him on holiday with them.

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 14:26

Staywildandwander · 23/08/2024 14:24

Do they want to take the baby on holiday? Yes.
Do they see him other than when DH arranges for us to go over? No.

We have asked to come over, they’ve said no they’re busy on occasion (fair enough) we have asked them to come over to our house and they have mostly declined. I think they’ve been twice in the last 3 years. We live roughly an hour away from each other.

The contact is not the problem. If they don’t want to see us/DS. That’s their choice. I can’t make them. My issue is the expectation I will send him on holiday with them.

Show quote history

Have you considered that they just want blood relations visiting? It sounds alot like that! And that's fair enough

Gogogo12345 · 23/08/2024 14:28

MintyNew · 22/08/2024 19:42

The baby is clingy to op so I think it would be cruel to go cold turkey for a week. How is that in his best interest? That is selfish just because he wants to please his parents more.

Dh and I have some rules. No body overrides us. If this was our situation and I said No, then our baby wouldn't be going even if the GP's were fabulous. Dh respects my feelings as the mother and vice versa.

But OP isn't respecting her husbands feelings is she? The child belongs to both of them. So basically she'd saying her husband can't take the child on holiday and it's better to go to the childminder instead. TBH it seems as though it's ffom a purely selfish view of the OP. All what SHE wantss

Wasityoubecayse · 23/08/2024 14:32

Look I don't mean to be direct buy you need to be more cautious with what your saying.

You do not have the right to stop a legal parent from taking his child to see his parents. I can promise you if this went to arbitration they would look at what your saying as coercive control. The relationship you have with your parents as a reason why you don't understand why he would want to spend time with his patents, is a serious serious serious indicator of something going wrong.

You need to speak this through with someone.

Because I'm guessing you may be hitting the baby becoming more independent of you which is happening now at one and your husband not being around enough to understand the dynamic between you and baby then laying this out in such an insensitive way. Blokes will bloke at exactly the wrong time. ALWAYS

Rory17384949 · 23/08/2024 14:52

Why not just tell them it's a maybe for DS going depending if you feel he's ready or not by then , it's impossible to say if he'll still be clingy with you by the time he's 20 months.
DH should go regardless

Ellythe · 23/08/2024 14:58

You sound like hard work

Ellythe · 23/08/2024 15:02

If you divorced he could take him on holiday at any point

PointsSouth · 23/08/2024 15:05

Nicebloomers · 22/08/2024 20:38

I’m always a bit suspicious of grandparents who are desperate to pry a baby away from it’s mother. I wouldn’t be bothered about DH going with his parents though.

What is it that you suspect, exactly?