Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

I live with somebody with adhd and I'm telling you that sometimes he doesn't know when and if he's being offensive.

@BowlOfNoodles you do realise people can be different.

You don’t come across as being particularly lovely

I'm not bothered by how I'm perceived at all lol. I've meet many many mothers at schools/support groups and something we all found quite funny was the offensive remarks we'd all recieved not maliciously just unaware it is a condition that effects social situations that's very much known!

@BowlOfNoodles you do realise women with ADHD present very differently than men don't you?

You have absolutely no idea how my ADHD presents or how I behave. You are projecting your own 🐮 💩 onto me.

Sorry but I think YABU.

You feel offended because you haven't been invited to attend a holiday that you can't afford to go on. If your parents and siblings knew that you didn't have to money to join them then it could be perceived to be pretty insensitive to invite you to something that they know you can't attend. That seems really cruel and almost rubbing your face in the fact that you are in a worse financial position than your siblings!

I think though in reality, your anger isn't actually just about the fact that you weren't invited on the holiday but that your parents haven't funded your holiday in the same way that they have done for one of your other siblings. Firstly, this is incredibly entitled as you have no right to your parents money.

Secondly, your focus seems to be totally on the fact that one of your siblings is getting their holiday paid for and not the fact that the other sibling is paying for their own holiday and not getting a lump sum or money for another holiday. It is really hard to argue that you have been treated the worst out of the three siblings when one of your other siblings is recieving no financial assistance towards a holiday at all.

Thirdly, I feel that your parents may in a rather clumsy way be trying to help you in a way that feels fair to the other siblings. It's clear there is a sensitive dynamic between the adult children and I imagine your parents are keen not to play favourites. I also imagine that they want to help you financially in a more meaningful way than paying for a holiday. The way that they have given you some money to fall back on is actually a very caring thing for concerned parents to do. You may well find it patronising, but the fact that you are in a financially precarious situation and yet are desperate to spend a sizeable amount of money on a holiday rather than putting some aside to secure your financial future makes me think that they are probably right in their assessment that you aren't great with money and are at risk of future financial instability. Whether you agree with this or not, it is their money that they are gifting to you and therefore they are entitled to add strings to it. You are of course free to decline the gift, but I would strongly advise that you don't do this and that you accept it graciously. Many people would be desperate to have this kind of financial backing from their parents.

It was a mixed school as was the community centre I don't have adhd cheers... but I know it causes social issues. And actually I'm telling you very honestly that your family might not know how to deal with it! I pulled my sleeves up and researched it and meet with many other moms so I couid accept and learn about the traits

Thanks for that completely ridiculous response!

You have literally no idea 😂😂😂😂😂

@BowlOfNoodles how does it being a mixed school make any difference to the fact that ADHD presents VERY differently in women than men? 🙄
You post make no sense!

Ok op explain why you've mentioned adhd if you feel it's not related to the subject or protential divide?? The females had no filter either!

Perhaps you're right, I can only go off what you have written. You seem very unwilling to listen to other perspectives. Even if the rest of my post is completely wrong, you have clearly stated on this thread that you are in a financially precarious situation and yet you are very keen that your parents fund your expensive holiday rather than give you a lump sum towards securing your financial future. This doesn't exactly scream financial astuteness! I imagine if they tried to tackle this with you though that they would get a response much like I have.

Sorry op, no one likes being excluded especially from their own family. It's seems like the relationships are all very dysfunctional. I would just say no to the money and have less contact with them.
What reason did they give you for declining?

@Bumpitybumper nope I haven't said I want them to fund my holiday! I stated that £500 wasn't enough for a holiday. I am also upset that I was invited on the holiday.

Whilst yes my own finances are not great I do not rely on anyone else to fund me. I accepted a small amount of assistance (which was offered not asked for) when I was really unwell last year. However I funded 90% of my expenses during that time by using my savings.
I'm not some freeloader. I have worked my backside off to survive. But because I am single I have 100% of all household expenses on me alone. Something neither my siblings have. And frankly unless you have been in my shoes you have zero right to judge me.

I've just read your posts on this thread about them not wanting to speak with you because you call them out on their 🐃💩 case solved nobody wants that shit on holiday. There you go Dooooooone.

@BowlOfNoodles I mentioned adhd because one of the things my sibling has accused me of in recent years is lying about the fact I have adhd. They don't believe in it apparently.

My family were quite surprised when I told them I was going for diagnosis Until I pointed out some of the female characteristics of ADHD that I have.

AIBU often just ends up with people trying to twist the narrative to make the OP the unreasonable one. Your family are completely out of order and rude to organise a family holiday and exclude you. Most families wouldn’t do this even if one sibling was ‘difficult’ (which I’m not saying you are). The fact they are willing to do this makes me think this is more about them being arseholes than you having done anything wrong.

Yes I called them out on calling me a liar! After several days of sitting back and taking a complete battering from sibling 2 because I didn't want an argument. Even their spouse told them to lay it off.

Well I'm sorry you had to deal with that I've actually had doctors very dismissive of my son! But you see it is playing a part? It's not been accepted, and actually people have a rotten attitude towards adhd/autism. I was telling you it can come with some social unawareness because I've educated myself on it hours and hours of reading/videos I'm not insulting you mentioning it I've watched my sons genuine surprise at me saying Well you was very rude just now at a conversation he thought was going well! People don't always point it out you see?

@BowlOfNoodles how many times do you have to be told that no I don't have rude traits of ADHD!
And no being insulted by your really rude pressing if the point is not proof otherwise!

There are lots of ways ADHD presents and everyone is different.

If you have post on AIBU then you are literally inviting opinion. You can't then get angry when people disagree with you of 'judge' you. Did you think that only people that thought you were not being unreasonable would post? It is interesting how even in this scenario, you are very eager to paint yourself as a victim. I have never called you a freeloader or even insinuated it and yet you react as though I have. If you behave like this with your family then I can see why they find it very difficult to explain to you the rationale behind their actions.

As I said you may not know! Ask an genuine friend if they've ever perceived you being blunt. Good night lol

Aldo skips over anything polite/sympathetic and goes into defensive mode a total vacuum of joy I can grasp that even on here!

@Bumpitybumper I'm not defensive I'm highly amused!

@BowlOfNoodles actually I haven't had time to read many replies yet. I've had a busy day and not had time to Mumsnet. I will read them and reply when I do

You've had some constructive criticism and ideas 💡 that you don't seem to appreciate becausg you've first looked to find fault!

Surely you discuss it before with them so they know the rationale. Why let them find out they haven’t been invited and put them through hurt. Even if it’s their ‘fault’. Sometimes it is not what is done but how it is done that is important.

The Op hasn't mentioned how the holiday was presented.
Given they are all adults with their own lives outside "the family" its important to remember some families aren't invested as others.

It may have been Sibling 2s idea. As the only other adults in the situation aside from the mum, who can both afford the cost and time of a holiday it's not unreasonable they decide the terms. The siblings that are expecting others to subsidise them have to go along with it. Maybe it was't actually meant to be a family holiday but a chance to get the couple together and mum got an invite out of kindness ?