Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

People can do what they want. But not inviting one child out of three without any prior discussion, is usually going to be interpreted as hurtful by the child who is left out.

And the OP can be hurt.
But unless we know the background we don't know whether or not it's a justified decion.

Even if invited she couldn't go. So maybe they don't want the drama.
What's the point in inviting someone to something amazing, you know damn well they have to say no to. Not out of not wanting to be there but because of their own circumstances.

If you have an obligation to your DC then you don't just have an obligation to one; you have an obligation to them all.

In this case it could well be that parent knows that #2 needs a relaxing break which she won't get when her sister who she doesn't get on with and likes to "call out" is there. And by the way op is insisting that it must be all #2's fault, I don't think the parent is wrong.
So if she insists #1 is invited, then she's failing #2.

I also note that the op is saying that she can't afford to not just pay for herself, but also she can't afford to take a holiday from work, so she's not just expecting them to pay for her; she's expecting them to pay her to go too!

Op, you’ve stated that you are trying to start a new business and the £1.000 would help a lot towards this.
Take.the.Money……
Save the £500 they’re giving initially and then ask for the rainy-day £500 at a later date and explain your business idea.
If you’re going to be in business, you have to be business savvy and turning down £1,000 is not being business minded.
Good luck!

Surely you discuss it before with them so they know the rationale. Why let them find out they haven’t been invited and put them through hurt. Even if it’s their ‘fault’. Sometimes it is not what is done but how it is done that is important.

I wonder if sibling 2 may also be autistic but present differently? It’s easier to upset you if you are laid back but not stand up to sibling 2 for fear of their reaction.

I’m sorry that your family are shit.

Not necessarily.
As I said if some of the members have decided to hold boundaries. We don't know their situation.

While the OP is free to be upset, that doesn't mean the others need to be responsible for her feelings.
We just don't know enough.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot I hate this - no one is responsible for her feelings phrase. If someone does something mean, it is normal to feel upset. And the person who was mean is responsible.

I just can't understand why anyone would think this is OK, you can't exclude one of your children like this, it's incredibly unfair and shitty!

Again their has to be a reason op isn't going to admit that they are argumentative etc they might not even realise!

@BowlOfNoodles sometimes it is as simple as one child has been cast in the least popular child role since very young.
DP has this, because he has a visible disability.

I don't buy it

Why is sibling 3 accepting you not being invited

Bingo

I think your family are behaving very badly by not including you. It's shit and I'm not surprised you are hurt.

I am surprised by some of the replies however.

I just can’t imagine leaving one of my children out, it’s just mean. Even if I had to sit them down beforehand and say “for the love of all that is holy don’t do x”.

It’s different if one sibling is treating a parent to a holiday etc but if I were organising and paying there would be no way I’d leave one of my kids out. Even if they were difficult.

I had this, I wasn’t as attractive as my siblings. Often you get treated shabbily for zero reason and then you get angry. But no-one sees the behaviour that caused your resentment so outsiders just assume you are the asshole.

I have a son with adhd I absolutely know he is very very surprised when I inform him that woooooow you was just extremely rude/abrasive back there...

Take the cash and count yourself lucky that you don't have to go on holiday with them. Sounds like its no skin off their nose to pay for all of them, or to give you the money not to go.

I feel like you've endured the pain - you may as well benefit from the gain.

Their behaviour and their attitude towards your finances is particularly unkind given that you are recovering from a serious illness.

Under the circumstances, I think it's no loss of dignity to take the cash offered and use it for your businesses to gain more financial independence.
Who cares what any of them thinks?

I think op has been pretty clear in her description of her family dynamics but either way, so what? I can't imagine treating any of my children differently and believe me, they can all take a good turn at being a pain in the arse.

It's a common enough family dynamic where one child is the scapegoat for family issues no one wants to admit or address.
I think Cleese and Skinner's book on families covers it well, from what I remember. Families and How to Survive Them.

If she's a nuisance why on earth ruin everybody's holiday?

How do you know she is?

Yep.

The people who don't get it are probably golden children themselves.

@Americano75 some posters including @BowlOfNoodles have decided that because I have acknowledged that I have ADHD that I must be the problem. Despite the fact that they don't know how my ADHD presents or how the dynamics of the family really work.