Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

No, I didn't say I'd cut them off.
And you're wrong, it's not rare to prioritise relationships that work better than those that don't.

It's actually very very common.

Totally agree with this, it’s life.

You don’t have to go on holiday with people who you don’t want to spend that time with. It doesn’t mean you hate the person, just that you may not have the most relaxing/happy time on holiday with them, and may not have the kind of relationship with them which would make for a nice atmosphere on holiday.

My PIL for example, we would never go on holiday with them. We’re very different people, we have different ideas of fun & relaxing to them, so we wouldn’t go away with them. We don’t hate them, but none of us would have a good time on a big joint holiday. On the other hand though BIL and PIL are very similar, have the same interests, have the same ideas of fun, they do go on holiday together and have a good time!

Peoples attitudes towards family is so strange on here. Saying it’s ok to leave one of your kids out etc. I find it astonishing and not something I can relate to at all. So hurtful and damaging. Unless my kids commit dreadful crimes etc, I will never be leaving one out this way.

Yes that’s all fine and understandable. Would your PIL invite and pay for one child to go on holiday with them and not even ask the other?

Yes, they would and have. That’s absolutely fine and no hard feelings whatsoever on either side. They love us, we love them, but that doesn’t mean we all have to go on holiday together or that we would all enjoy a holiday together. Sharing a mother doesn’t mean you have to share holidays!

My own parents have also done this, it’s a non-issue! We all love each other, but loving each other does not equal all going on holiday together all of the time.

But no one is ‘cutting off’ the OP. They’re choosing not to holiday with her next year because of what she admits herself are ‘strained’ relations. She’s clearly had a very tough time with ADHD and cancer, and there’s clearly a huge amount of resentment here, with the OP appearing to know a lot about the finances of both siblings and who’s paying for the holiday she’s not invited on. It sounds like a messy mix.

It's a hard one because as with everything there's two sides to every story and then there's the truth. I guess a bit that's strange for me is that £1,000 cash could be life changing but at the same time £500 is insufficient. I think leaving someone out is awful, but then they're either assholes and you're better off without or they're hurting and putting boundaries in place for their own reasons.

Peoples attitudes towards family is so strange on here. Saying it’s ok to leave one of your kids out etc. I find it astonishing and not something I can relate to at all. So hurtful and damaging. Unless my kids commit dreadful crimes etc, I will never be leaving one out this way.

I imagine from the Op's posts that if they had a partner themselves that they went away with and a much better income this thread wouldn't exist. I bet the Op woukd be fine with a PIA sibling and a freeloading one going abroad with mum.

I think its more that the Op has had a hard time, earns little for her efforts and hasn't got anyone to holiday with that's the root of the resentment about this situation.

Op does this dynamic happen on other occasions to? Like Christmas birthdays family meals out?

No its being made clear to you that you are the least favourite.

Option 3 wouid be that op is absolutely intolerable

Well, it’s certainly possible that her siblings experience her as difficult to be around for extended periods. That doesn’t make either the OP or her siblings assholes, it just makes them people with a relationship the OP herself describes as ‘strained’.

I love both my sisters, and am separately close to them, but if we spend extended periods together, it definitely becomes difficult as power struggles emerges, competing narratives of our childhoods, suppressed resentments of how we were individually ‘labelled’ in the family (the clever one, the pretty one, the rebel) etc. I would go on holiday with either sister and our parents. I wouldn’t dream of going on holiday with both sisters and my parents.

This is the thing you don't have to be intolerable to everybody but you can intolerable to somebody and I think that's the case! I struggle with my brother I can do dinner and a conversation but certainly not a holiday.

Lots of comments missing the point here. This is about a parent and siblings excluding only one of the siblings.

Yes and they might have good reason to! A holiday is to relax a lovely experience with compatible people maybe op just isn't compatible with them and a stressful awkward holiday isn't a holiday it's a hell pit!

Yep so the adult child who is less popular you just exclude?

You're like a dog with a bone @Nadeed... it's interesting your posts really increased around the time the OP's trailed off.

@LolaJ87 what are you implying?

My brother has a drink problem I'm excluding him 100% op may very well have issues they can't or won't tolerate such as being argumentative who's going to want that on a holiday?

Nobody is missing the point.
Most are in agreement that as adults they aren't obligated to spend time they don't want to with someone. Especially during what is an expensive and relaxing experience.

None of us know if its simply a basic clash of personalities, which means no one is at fault.

Or if one party has done something that means the other can't have them around.

But blood doesn't equal obligation.

I think as a parent you have an obligation to your children.

That you keep repeating the same narrative when even the OP wasn't claiming that was the family dynamic at play.

The facts as confirmed by the OP:

• They have a strained relationship with Sibling 2
• Sibling 2 and Parent planned the holiday
• Sibling 3 is being subsidised by the parent to join the holiday as they are in full time education
• The OP can't afford a holiday
• The OP can't afford time off work even if given money for a holiday, they don't get holiday pay
• The parent helped to support OP last year when OP had cancer
• The parent has offered money to the OP for a different holiday and some cash for their savings pot

So this sounds like this holiday isn't a good fit for the OP, she can't afford it and would likely clash with Sibling 2, which would ruin the holiday for everyone.

You believe this means that the others shouldn't holiday together, which is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but I disagree and OP's family obviously feel the same. That doesn't mean she's unloved, as her parent has obviously been very good to her when she needed it.

And you're more than welcome to hold that opinion and follow that belief with your own children.

But your opinion is not fact or law and no parent is obligated to do something they don't want to with their adult offspring.

Well of course not. But not inviting one child out of three, who really wants to come along seems just mean to me.

I have no desire to go on holiday with my parents.

But I would find it really odd if they invited my sibling and not me

What a silly and pointless insinuation. Do you think you are being clever?

Some people get invested in certain topics. So what?