to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

Why? What would that achieve?

Why put yourself out when he doesn’t for you? If he asks on the day then go out for a meal.

You reap what you sow, I'd say.

If he's ignored your significant birthdays, he cannot whine if you don't make an effort for his.

do you usually make an effort for his birthdays? Why doesn’t he make any effort for yours?

YANBU. If he doesn’t bother with yours he doesn’t deserve anything from you.

That’s a point. Has he ignored your significant birthdays? If he has then that’s set the precedent.

I wouldn't bother. If he's upset, remind him he made no effort for you. I believe in mirroring people's behaviour back at them so they can see what it is like to be on the receiving end of it.

Within reason, obviously - I wouldn't get violent or rage at people but ignoring them, not making an effort for them, not replying when they speak, not being at their beck and call if they never put themselves out for you - that's a useful boundary to put up if they treat you this way and assume you should accept this without complaint or challenge.

Give him back the same energy he gives you. You will soon find out if he steps up or if your relationship is well and truly over.

I found out how little my stbx actually cared about me once I gave him back the same energy. It was an eye opener, not just by how little he bothered (and I struggled to get down to his energy) but also the look of rage on his face when I said I was doing the same back. He wasn't upset or apologetic but "how dare you" rage. Use this experience to find out where your relationship is heading, good luck.

You might as well.
Birthdays are unimportant to him so he won't care, will he? 🤷

Which is what you should say to him if he says anything.

I wouldnt. How is your relationship generally? Is he generally inconsiderate and uncaring?

I have celebrated his birthday every year. He tends to moan saying he didn’t want anything or didn’t like the dc choice of cake etc. cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc. He says cards are a waste of money. We are ok financially so that’s not a problem.

This year I feel like the approaching milestone has got me thinking about it all more tbh. I don’t want to be spiteful but I do feel like I’m a mug and just fed up really. Asked him if wants anything for it and he said no. got to the point where I cba but I do feel a bit bad thinking like this.

Some of us really don't give a wotsit for our own birthdays, so I guess your husband is the same. What are we supposed to be celebrating? We haven't achieved anything, after all.
As someone who is approaching an "alleged" milestone birthday of my own, I really don't get them either - why is (say) 40 supposed to be more special than 39 or 41? Baffling.
I think, just leave your husband in peace and then he can happily ignore his birthday.

He’s literally telling you straight he doesn’t care for birthday celebrations. Why would you disbelieve him, and then tie yourself in knots about whether that’s ok? Give him what he wants - nothing.

Oh, and opening cards and presents is grim and embarrassing. I have managed to cut the numbers down, but I still leave them for days, until I can pluck up the courage, and then preferably on my own.
Your husband sounds fab, tbh.

Given he has said he doesn't want anything and has complained in the past I wouldn't do anything - though how old are the DC? What about if they made him home made cards? Then he can't complain they are a waste of money or that nothing was done

thanks. Maybe I have been looking at this wrong and he will benefit anyway from me doing nothing. So should I expect nothing because he doesn’t believe in birthdays?

I am a big believer in meeting with the same energy you receive.

Why are you 'just fed up really'...

We don't bother with birthdays and Christmas etc. however we have been making an effort to spend time together now the kids are getting older. So last week we had a night away to see a gig which coincided with our wedding anniversary. Much better use of time and money than gifts cluttering up the house 😊

He doesn't care about birthdays, so he won't mind. Save your energy for yours.

No. Him not caring and you caring means he does something for you and you do nothing for him. It evens out in other ways, I assume.

We don't really do birthdays. We did when the girls were little but then you do with little ones.

On birthdays we'll maybe go out for lunch or dinner. But just because today's a birthday doesn't make different from yesterday or tomorrow, it's just a day. However in the words of the ancient prophet, make everyday a little bit special because its all you've got.

My ex was shit at my birthdays, sometimes forgot mine or very low effort. I always gave him nice presents and cards. As mine was only a few weeks before his i started to match his output. If i only got a card he only got a card etc.

Yes, petty as some previous posters have said but it really did stop the resentment.

Or you can have a talk, that's what adults do,
and peacefully suit yourselves.

Don't be as bad as him. Get him a card and a present and ask him if he wants to eat out somewhere special. Thats all you have to do.