to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

Dh couldn’t care less about birthdays, he still makes a big fuss over the cake Dd chooses and the card she makes for him. Your husband is really selfish,

Just don’t do anything, he doesn’t want it, he’s been saying he doesn’t want it for years, so do that.

Yup. I'm thinking this is about control, the reaction to the presents and cards, doing nothing for OP.

By not doing anything for him OP is going to be taking some control herself and I suspect he may be apoplectic. Stand firm OP and stick 100% to the idea that you did it because birthdays aren't important to him and he doesn't enjoy his. Practise your 'butter wouldn't melt' innocent face.

So he celebrated birthdays before you met him.

He remembers his mum and sisters birthday.

He does absolutely nothing for your birthday.

You've continued to buy him cards and presents which he complains about.

I'd never acknowledge his birthday again.

I'd also plan my own birthday with friends etc.

Definitely do nothing

I wouldn't do it in a tit for tat way, however I would have a calm conversation about how you and your family together celebrate each other's birthdays.

I'd do absolutely nothing. What can he say it's what he wants so 😊

Give him nothing that’s his wish . Do go and treat yourself tho 🙂

Lots of people feel like this. I have for decades. I remember on my 16th I didn't have to leave for school as early as usual as it was a GCSE day but I couldn't face the pile of presents I knew was downstairs so hid in my room till as late as possible then ran out the front door.

I've managed to get my birthday down to zero presents now. Still working on Christmas. Usually manage to persuade in-laws that whatever DH wants is what I want as a joint present so I don't have to open anything.

Cards I open in private and keep hidden under a pile of books till I feel enough days have passed so I can put them in the recycling.

In some ways I want to say don't lower yourself to his standards, but on the other hand, I don't think I'd rabbit to recognise his birthday is he never recognised mine.

So I'm sorry, I've not been much, I'd any, help at all. 😕

Really each of you should respect what the other wants. Ie you should not buy anything for his birthday but he should acknowledge yours. That’s not going to happen so second best:

Take the approach that you are giving him the gift of freedom from having to reciprocate on your birthday by giving him absolutely nothing on his. Not even an acknowledgement that it is his birthday.

However just because he won’t celebrate yours doesn’t mean that your birthday will go past with nothing. Every year you will make plans to celebrate yourself or with friends. Book a solo spa day and take yourself off. He has no right to complain. After all you have given him the courtesy of respecting his wishes, he should do the same for you.

I.agree.with this.
My husband likes very little done for his birthday -a nice takeaway is often his first / only choice.
I like to do something more e.g. something with friends /.family.
After a few crashing disappointments I now organise something I want and pay for it for.eveyone e.g. walk and pub lunch.
I have much better birthdays now, but it took me a long time to get there.
I had to let go of the expectation that he'd do something, but honestly,, I have much a better day.

This post made me want to eat wotsits.

My DH has always been the same. Nothing planned ahead for mine, like he's caught out when it arrives on the same day every year. Reluctantly offers me a last minute thing he's borrowed a few quid for from someone, and that's only since our DCs were old enough to notice the disparity. I always produced thoughtful gifts aplenty and organised a get together or larger event for special birthdays. Not any more.

Last year was a special one and he did his usual "I don't expect anything, not fussed about it, don't want anything" thing. Which, he forgets having said if anyone took him seriously. So I did, he'd told everyone he didn't want to bother, as usual, and I told the family I was going to respect his wishes from now on. Most of the family listened too. Suffice to say, he was not impressed.

It may seem petty to some, but I'm just tired of decades of this nonsense, especially when my birthday was completely ignored for years and is only an afterthought now.

Do fuck all for his birthday as he’s thoughtless and selfish.

No, I'd treat him just as he treats you. He can't complain about that.

But it sounds like there are bigger problems in your relationship, and this is a miserable way to life. You deserve a partner who will celebrate your birthdays!!

Hmm so his mum doesn't know about this hatred of birthdays then? When you do say that to her will be interesting to see what she says - is this a new thing or will she say but he loved birthdays before he met you.

Is your marriage absolutely hunky dory in all other ways.

To the posters saying she should respect his wishes and do nothing, surely that means he should respect hers and do something.

I wonder why you are felling bad op, that's an interesting one to explore - feeling bad for not doing something that someone has said they don't want you to do.

i make my own arrangements if it is my birthday

His own children have bought him cards and he can't be arsed to open them. He sounds like a barely functioning adult. It's not about birthdays is it? He has absolutely no respect for you and the things you do. Moaning about it being a waste of money and the cake your own children have got for him is fucking outrageous. Leave the fucker to it. In fact leave him for all the birthdays. Fine if he can't be arsed for his birthday but you've told him repeatedly that you would like to have some attention on yours and he hasn't listened. Fuck me that's hardly asking the earth. You've had some appalling advice on this thread.

He’s not doing it for you because he can’t be bothered really and he’s not fussed if it upsets you or not. I don’t care for birthdays tbh, we only do something because DD likes birthdays but if it were actually important to me I would expect DH to take note of that.

The thing is with matching someones energy is it can really expose cracks in the relationship. Matching energy is it’s not about punishing someone it’s just saving unappreciated effort to direct elsewhere but tbh if I were even thinking about it I would assume my marriage is pretty shaky. I was on a reddit thread where women had tried to match their partners/husbands, mostly the relationships broke down, I mean the women were pretty happy tbf. But it was eye opening how many men really couldn’t be bothered to save their relationships because “effort”.

Because she needs to let her husband know that the standard you set is the standard you get.

You're already matching his energy

You both do the opposite of what each other wants. He doesn't want to celebrate but you do cakes gifts and cards for him. You want to celebrate but he does nothing for you.

I am a great believer in matching people's energy when it comes to birthdays.
Anything else just leads to resentment.
Therefore, YANBU.

I would buy your own birthday presents (and label them from him if you want). I had to do that when my husband was ill and since he died, I still treat myself and label it from him as I know he would have bought them for me. It also shows your DH that you do like birthday celebrations and should be entitled to enjoy them with your DC.

Yes because when a man treats you disrespectfully, you should just smile more and be nicer to him - taken straight from handmaids playbook.

Dont bother OP, he doesn’t appreciate it, focus on doing something nice for yourself on your birthday.

If his family want mark the occasion arrange a family meal give a nice card and say if you want a gift let me know and I will get it. When it's your just buy yourself something you want from the family money. It's not fair you suffer just because he doesn't enjoy birthdays.