to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

100% match his energy.

I would tell him now that you noted he didn't want to do anything. He is forewarned that you are not doing anything so can't complain.

how about countering any negative energy with warmth and a smile ?

Birthday discussion scroll down to the 'women lose twice ' bit. The modelling of behaviour, etc

I wouldn't bother celebrating his, sounds like he won't be bothered either. If you want to celebrate yours, you should find some friends who are happy to help you celebrate.

Last year after DH had made absolutely no effort for my birthday, I did absolutely nothing for his. Got him a card and a voucher for his golf pro shop and gave him that at breakfast with a breezy Happy Birthday, dear. As the day ticked on and our DC didn't arrive, no BBQ or party appeared out of thin air and no cake he looked more and more confused. When he went to bed, he said "it's been a sad day" to which I replied "yes it is, isn't it when someone doesn't make any effort". He's been A LOT more thoughtful since.....

Arrange something for your own birthdays instead of his.

Haven't read all the replies..

Make this milestone birthday a milestone for you to...

From now on no more going out of your way to celebrate anything that isn't going to be appreciated by the recipient.

He sounds like a shit.

Only a shit would ignore birthday cards from his kids.

I think you have more than a birthday problem and you don't have to live like this.

I really think you need to change your perspective on this.

You both seem to be giving each other what YOU would want but the other doesn’t want. He doesn’t want a fuss, you make one. You want a fuss, he doesn’t make one.

Give him what he wants and don’t make a fuss. Don’t mistake what you would want with what you think he should want.

Do make it clear to him that you do want a fuss, and communicate your upset if he doesn’t deliver.

It’s literally that simple! You both need to stop treating the other how you would want to be treated and actually respect each other’s needs.

I really think you need to change your perspective on this.

You both seem to be giving each other what YOU would want but the other doesn’t want. He doesn’t want a fuss, you make one. You want a fuss, he doesn’t make one.

Give him what he wants and don’t make a fuss. Don’t mistake what you would want with what you think he should want.

Do make it clear to him that you do want a fuss, and communicate your upset if he doesn’t deliver.

It’s literally that simple! You both need to stop treating the other how you would want to be treated and actually respect each other’s needs.

Healthy relationships don’t work like that. Even if he doesn’t care about his birthday, if he knows you care about yours. He should mark it in a way he knows you’ll enjoy.

You are your own person, not an appendage on him. If he can’t see you as your own person with your own likes and dislikes and priorities, then you have a problem.

So, he used to celebrate his birthday, his mum obviously expects him to be celebrating, he does something for other people’s birthdays just not the OP’s…he’s just a miserable arse! Does he turn into a sad-sack as soon as something where he’s not the centre of attention happens? New job…DC’s bday…anything that causes a fun, positive reaction from people that doesn’t have him at its core? He’s a miserable arse.

I’d have a conversation and say you’re not planning on doing anything as he clearly doesn’t like birthdays (not opening presents when they’re handed over is completely selfish and rude and as for ignoring what your children have just given you…😡) and see what he says. Bet you get a “Whatever…” THEN on the day he will have a monumental sulk when you do exactly as you said you would and he will go on and on and on to anyone and everyone who will listen telling them how you did nothing for his Significant Birthday. His Woe Is Me will be turned up to 11 and he’ll love it. It will actually be an amazing present as he’ll be able to milk it for months. He can be miserable about AND get sympathy for weeks!! MIL can even get in on the act. It will probably bring them closer together. Organise your own birthday treat next year. Don’t count on him for anything. Tell him he can come only if he doesn’t sit with a face like a smacked arse for the whole time. It’s your birthday that you want to celebrate. He doesn’t want to let you enjoy anything so sack him off. He can mope with his mum about how he’s been left on his own for the night. He’s Eeyore, isn’t he?! 😂

i think in a relationship you should do for your partner's birthday something they would want.

So he wants nothing: do nothing.
You, however, prefer to celebrate and have cards and presents. He should be doing that for you, mostly with your children to teach them about it.

So you have asked, he said no. So all fine.

That's great; as long as it isn't always one person doing it.

It would avoid her looking like a mug.

I organised a week away for my husband’s significant birthday, but when mine came round he did nothing. I haven’t done anything for his birthday since. If he couldn’t be bothered, neither could I.

I wouldn't bother. DH doesn't get me anything for my birthday, not even a happy birthday (he forgets them as it's genuinely not important to him). His birthday is now a non event too. Makes my life easier.

What?🙄

I don't buy that @Appletreebee is forcing her husband to celebrate his birthday. I reckon if she did nothing at all for it, which she absolutely should, he'll have a blue fit. Try it. You'll soon know his real feelings on the subject.

Why not celebrate yourself on his birthday? Do something nice which he can join or not.

He sounds a delight. I definitely wouldn't bother.

Very well said. Just do nothing this year. You'll learn quickly whether he genuinely doesn't care about it or is lazy (please report back...).

But then he should "adjust" by making an effort for her birthdays.

I love to celebrate birthday. My ex husband made very little effort for my birthday, he never got me a cake, I always had to buy my own cake. It seems that i must have been me the problem because he buy a cake for his new partner, asking everyone where he can buy a cake, even asked my son to bake one which he refused to do. I perfectly understand how you feel, it is hurtful when someone you love makes no effort.

He’s clearly said he wants nothing so do nothing. Why on earth do you bother every year when he does fuck all for you? It’s ridiculous! Do as he says and as the poster above says, organise something lovely for your own. Be brave, @Appletreebee and don’t get anything for him. How long has this gone on?! Do you see how uneven it is in his favour? Particularly when he does stuff for his mum/sister? Does he give a shit about you?