to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

To all the people saying presents and cards are a waste of money / space - I guess we have to accept that everyone is different, and people either fall into one camp or another on the subject of birthdays (as an adult).

To me it would be unthinkable if my nearest and dearest didn't mark my birthday in some way, and vice versa. I don't mean go all out over the top but a card and a present and maybe a nice lunch together - something that makes you feel special and cared for - I mean, it's one day a year, I don't think it's too much to make someone you love feel special and cared for on one day that is 'their' day. But, equally, as evidenced by this thread, some people 100% disagree with that and that's fine. I think the point is the OP falls into the former camp so it's hurtful that her DH can't make that effort on her birthday even if he personally doesn't want something on his birthday. So less about tit for tat but more about what the person whose birthday it is actually wants.

There is the point about what you are teachinv the kids.
In this situation I'd just book a nice meal or trip out, something you would enjoy anyway, and say 'Happy Birthday dear' !

Do nothing. Put all the time energy and money into celebrating your own birthday when it comes around.

But what does he say when you ask him directly, "Why do you make an effort for your mum and sisters but not for me, your wife?"

What was the result when you did nothing?

He was pretty miserable and complained to someone else that nobody had bothered doing anything for his birthday. They pointed out it was what he'd claimed to want and no more was said. I think he got the message though.

Good @Monstermunch67 but I hope he's been making it up to you all since.

Well I understand you, because my DH is similar. However, I know for me I am hurt by his lack of effort on my birthdays and for me to ignore his would be a pointed act, and something I'd not be completely comfortable with, and not simply a recognition of the fact that its not important to him. So I think you should do what you feel is right.
Maybe plan to do something fun together as a family on the day, rather than make a big hoo-ha that's all about Him. It might be the focus on him that he's uncomfortable with.

There's a whole movement on TikTok right now about this. It's started with mothers not getting anything for mother's day, then the men are really sulky and upset when they don't get anything for father's day.

All their excuses, 'Well, you're not my mother, why would I get you anything' are thrown right back at them.

It's pretty new but I can't wait to see all the birthday tantrums.

MN often take the high ground with this stuff but honestly I don't see the point in martyring yourself and feeling like you don't matter and everyone else does.

Hmm so his mum doesn't know about this hatred of birthdays then? When you do say that to her will be interesting to see what she says - is this a new thing or will she say but he loved birthdays before he met you.

My hatred of birthdays is a lot to do with being forced to celebrate them the way my mother wanted me to. I wonder if it's the same for OP's DH?

My x of 30 years did this also sabotaged Christmas all big life events,I always went the mile to make his birthday special, finally kicked his arse out. I now realise he was a covert narcissist. This was all part of a control pattern fuck that it’s just horrible no one who loves you, not truly ever behaves like that.

I'd taper down OP. Do something for this big one then tell him you won't be doing anymore to respect his wishes.

It's hard to stop but I've done just that this month for a DB whim we always got something for as well as for DSIL but they never got anything for DH and got random afterthought gifts for me.
Made a fuss for his big one last year and DSIL's this year then no more.

I am late to this but just thought I’d say, i was in your position too, I never got anything for birthdays, Christmas or even Mother’s Day etc…. If I wanted to do anything I would organise it myself. I always bothered for his birthday and Father’s Day though and he liked celebrating his !! I stopped bothering too, was sick of putting myself out and getting nothing in return. It’s not unfair or petty, it’s about not being a mug!

@T1Dmama how did he react to you pulling back?

We don't do much by mutual consent it seems childish to actively not do something but if he has expressed he does not want anything why to you carry on?

How did he react to you not doing anything for his birthday OP?

I’m not a fan of my own birthday and don’t like a fuss. I make an effort for children so not a complete grinch. I actually find it irritating when people buy me something and then I have to be politely grateful despite me saying I don’t want anything and that cards are a waste.