to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

You're both being unreasonable because you're both ignoring each other's reasonable requests and expectations.

I celebrate DH's birthday with making a cake, cards and presents from me and from the DC facilitated by me. For my birthday he entirely ignores it as is my preference.

It doesn't matter if the amount of effort is unequal, it matters that we both listen to each other and do what makes the other happy.

I don't like birthdays either, and I would be ecstatic if no one made a fuss.
Unfortunately (not my DH or DC, who believe me when I say a thing) most people seem to think that I would be desperately disappointed too.

I don't understand why other people think they know more about how someone should feel than the person themselves.

I mean, let's twist this round.

I bet OP would secretly be really annoyed that she had a fuss made of her on her birthday, despite what she says. That's just as likely to be true.

Off course match his energy. Why treat him better than he treats you?

Can’t stand birthdays or understand the fuss but each to there own

I do think milestone ones are slightly different I think the easiest think is to just ask him

as for your birthday if it’s a forced duty effort I’d sooner not have it

He tends to moan saying he didn’t want anything or didn’t like the dc choice of cake etc. cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc. He says cards are a waste of money. We are ok financially so that’s not a problem.

I wouldn’t bother. If he objects quote the above to him.
Gift yourself his birthday — go out with a girlfriend for cocktails, or posh afternoon tea, whatever you fancy.

I’d get a Colin Caterpillar that your kids will probably like and say you were thinking perhaps Nando’s for a special dinner 😃

Then it’s something, but nearly no effort on your part!!

He gets what he thinks is appropriate regarding birthdays

Nothing

This.

I used to have the same problem with my Ex Husband ( guess why he’s an ex ?). In the end I did nothing and my school aged kids didn’t even notice . I hadn’t realised that they didn’t know the date of anyone’s birthday, they were so used to me doing everything.

His birthday just passed without notice - the same as mine would have done if I didn’t arrange it all.

It was one of the very small nails in the coffin of our marriage .

Please don't!

He's made it very clear what birthdays mean - nothing

And the fact that he's horrible about effort put in - absolutely no way.

Is he like that about other things?

I’m exhausted by the game playing already.

@Appletreebee match his energy. If he questions it you can say ‘but we don’t celebrate each other’s birthdays do we?!’

I’d make sure he’s aware you are taking him at his word and then definitely just don’t do anything. Or mirror what he does for you (does he not even bother with a card?!).

I think it will be v interested to see whether he actually means “don’t bother” or if he’s just saying that, assuming you will actually do something but it’s a get out clause for him not to do anything for yours… I predict a strop from him because he actually does want you to do something.

But he doesn't appreciate it! To the extent he criticises

Why do it at all?

He tends to moan saying he didn’t want anything or didn’t like the dc choice of cake etc. cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc. He says cards are a waste of money.

Don't do anything if that's how he thinks and behaves.

Just let mil you've got it all sorted then on the day tell her you did exactly what he asked for... Nothing.
She'll be appalled, he'll be relieved, the kids will be none the wiser unless he's actually not relieved and throws a strop.

As a husband who doesn't recognise birthdays I'd say do nothing - unless you really want to annoy him.

A birthday is just an arbitrary, random date with no significance whatsoever.

Having said that, I always get my wife a card and a present because she does attach some significance to them and I respect her feelings. I also send my older sister a card on her birthday, but only because it's January 1st and I remember the date. Other than those I've no idea when my parents' bithdays were, when my brother's was, and my neice and nephew.

I can't imagine anything worse than having my wife (or anyone else for that matter) celebrating what they think is a special or milestone birthday for me.

Waste of time, effort and probably money.

What are your children learning from all this? Women/mums don't matter? Birthdays don't matter? Only men/dads matter?

The dad is not getting what he wants, any more than OP is.

OP's children will hopefully realise that talking to other people, rather than making assumptions about what you think they should like, can be a very powerful thing.

If he doesn't likes to celebrate just dont do it.

But it doesn't justify that he knows you do and he puts no effort on it. 😑

Tell him you're taking him at his word. It'll take some of the anxiety from it.

Maybe the reason he does nothing for your birthday (despite you having told him you want a fuss) is because despite him telling you he doesn't want anything you insist on celebrating/making a fuss?

Perhaps if you respected his choice then he'd respect yours?

I always organise my own celebrations - l expect dh to attend - if itnis a family meal for example but if left him to make the plans, l think l would be bitterly disappointed as we are on different pages altogether.

He doesn't listen when you say you want a celebration, and you (before this year) didn't listen when he said he didn't. Sounds like you should focus on communication skills between each other instead of hiding behind the issue being a specific holiday.

Oo

If he forget other peoples birthday that would be ok but he remembers his mother and sisters every year so I do feel like I am singled out as the person that he can forget about.

What a knob he is.

Definitely stop all effort for him. And for Father’s Day and Christmas as well.

Have you asked him why he treats his mum and sister better than he treats you?