to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

[Appletreebee]

Even though it is a milestone one this year?

Oh, he actually doesn't want anything and you've just been ignoring that and doing something anyway then being cross he isn't appreciative?

Yeah, make this year the year you do what he actually wants and don't celebrate it .

My bad. I assumed the worst of him. That he was one of those people who makes no effort for others but expects the moon on a stick for themselves.

Why not spend the time and money that you would’ve spent on him on yourself on that day and continue with your children

The point isn’t some cardinal rule about birthday celebrations. It’s about caring for and respecting the other person, same as every other element of a relationship.

He loves cycling, you love yoga. He goes on bike rides alone, you go to yoga class alone. He doesn’t force you to cycle, you don’t force him to do yoga.

He hates birthdays, you enjoy them. You don’t force him to mark them with cards and a cake, he gets you a card and a cake.

It’s really, really simple.

Could have done with some valuable therapy years ago on this.

I do like the whole 'match the energy' logic.

Not certain I've ever got to the bottom of DH on this. I think he feels it's either a his mum job - Christmas or a him job - his landmark birthdays at 30 and 40.
His organisation was just painful at a time we couldn't financially afford it, invites but asking everyone to pay, stuck in a student mindset but 20 years on.
He consequently ignored my birthdays and even Christmas for a decade. Now, I just do me. But I do feel a bit sad that the person most important in my life can't put thought into an event not at the last minute.

He doesn’t open his cards to the afternoon from you and your children.. he’s bloody rude and horrible OP!

Imo it’s the prerogative of the person with the birthday as to the level of celebration. DH dislikes his birthday so I do bare minimum, his choice. I get him a card, a token gift like a bottle of wine he likes but is too tight to get in the normal shop and cook a dinner I know he really enjoys. I am more ok with a bit of birthday fuss and I expect some effort. Not gifts or parties, but a brunch/ lunch or dinner out and a cake. I like to visit stately homes so maybe a trip out to one and a cream tea in the cafe. He tried early on in our relationship to ignore my birthday but I found it hurtful and told him I’d get a whole restaurant to sing happy birthday to him for his (his worst nightmare, just behind a surprise party) if he didn’t acknowledge my birthday in a more celebratory way. He took it on board.

How have you managed to stay married to such a miserable bastard?

But yes, don't do anything for his birthday. He doesn't want to celebrate his birthdays, clearly, so stop trying to make him do it.

He should make an effort for your birthday, though, because you would like to celebrate your birthday and you shouldn't have to miss out on your birthday just because he doesn't give a shit about his own birthday.

The whole 'match his energy' stuff gives me the ick, but I do agree with the sentiment of it.

If you have expressed that you'd like him to make a fuss for you and he's chosen not to, (and you've not done the classic 'oh don't make a fuss of me) or there's a history of you always putting the effort in and he doesn't, then I think it's the only way to go. If he moans just tell him as he doesn't 'do' birthdays for you then you thought it was a thing so you've not arranged anything for him:

@PaminaMozart because I arrange something every year for him and he doesn’t reciprocate even when I’ve told him it upsets me. I do like birthdays a lot.

@BigFatLiar I come from a home that didn’t celebrate them as a dc and hoped to celebrate them as an adult, I don’t think that’s unreasonable? If he forget other peoples birthday that would be ok but he remembers his mother and sisters every year so I do feel like I am singled out as the person that he can forget about.
@Vabenejulio is it that simple? could he not ‘stop cycling’ for one day of the year for his wife’s birthday? It would be that simple if I didn’t care but I do and have made it clear I am hurt by his actions.

I will stop doing anything for his and feel better thinking he just hates birthdays but my gut tells me he does expect something from me regardless of him not doing anything for me.

@Appletreebee I didn't see Asked him if wants anything for it and he said no. got to the point where I cba but I do feel a bit bad thinking like this

Absolutely don't do anything for him .

I never do birthdays not had one in years last year i forgot it was my birthday till about 4pm oh well.
Dont do xmass either or any other holiday for that matter.

He has told you to you to your face he doesn’t like birthdays. He doesn’t open the presents or cards. He doesn’t do anything for your birthday. Take the hint. He doesn’t do birthdays. The greatest gift you can give him is not making a fuss of him on his birthday. That’s what he wants the most. At a push, and only at a push, offer him the takeaway of his choice - but offer it in the evening and not in a ‘Woooo! Shall we get a birthday takeaway? I’ll invite the neighbors and your mum’ way.

It would drive me insane if I repeatedly told my spouse I wasn't interested in a birthday celebration and they ignored me. He isn't into birthday's so let him be on his day. And know that since he isn't into birthdays you probably are going to need to organise your own celebration. It's just really not worth getting wound up over stuff like this, understand each other, adjust and both enjoy your own birthdays in the way you choose.

Have you had a proper chat about it? E.g. I know you don’t like birthdays so we don’t have to do anything for yours, but they’re important to me so I would appreciate some effort on mine and I will tell you what I want.

I’m assuming he’s good in other ways and not always a miserable or unappreciative sod? My Dad hated birthdays/occasions and complained about everything we got him which made me feel rubbish growing up, but he was a generally unhappy man

Lots of people (me included) fall into the trap of doing things (or not) for others that we would like for ourselves without necessarily thinking what the other person would actually like:
-you would like a fuss made on your birthday so you do that for DH but he doesn’t appreciate it
-your DH wants no acknowledgement for his birthday so does the same for you but you don’t appreciate that.

cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc.
My stbx was similar and we had to ask him to open the carefully chosen (by the children) cards but they wouldn't get displayed on the mantlepiece unless I put them up, which I did for many years as I didn't want the children's feelings hurt. The last two years I left them on the floor where he dumped them. He eventually put them straight into the recycle bin, unopened, five weeks later when I asked him to hoover that room. I made no comment at any point.

This year he opened them immediately and made a show of placing them on the mantlepiece. Funny that.

EDIT - save your money and energy and use that for your own birthday. Treat yourself instead.

A hard lesson, presumably. Ignore my birthday, and yours will get ignored too. Sadly, some adults need a hard lesson. Asking nicely or having a reasonable discussion doesn’t work with some people.

So he remembers his sister's & mother's birthdays but doesn't care about yours? Arsehole. Get him nothing. Arrange nothing.

If he reacts with (hypocritical) anger or hurt, you'll know that he really thinks he & his family are more important than you & you can decide what to do in terms of stay or bin him.

I genuinely dont understand relationships on mumsnet, so many post things and it makes me wonder why they are together.

I think its one thing to be forgetful or not realise something is important to someone else, but telling your partner something is important to you and them still ignoring it, they are telling you they dont care what is important to you. I just cant understand wanting to stay in a relationship with someone who is telling you they dont care.

Yes in this instance we are talking about a birthday but its just saying they dont care what is important to you. It doesnt matter how insignificant it is to them, if its important to the person you are supposed to care about, surely you make a little effort.

It would be interesting to see how he reacts if you completely ignore it…

Thanks @MayaPinion I will take the hint.
Yes @Shan5474 dh knows I am upset we don’t celebrate mine together, we have always done something on his birthday but now maybe I’ve just not taken the hint as some have said. I will find out soon I suppose.

He celebrated them before I met him and his mum has been asking me what I’m sorting for it, at least now I can say I’m respecting what he wants as I have been feeling bad about not sorting anything despite it being next week but also don’t want to sort anything anyway.

If he’s not that interested in birthdays - and not everyone is - he’s not going to be as upset as you’d like him to be, is he?

On the contrary, he’ll probably be relieved that birthdays are no longer a big deal in your marriage.

Well look at this way.

He doesn't want any fuss for his birthday and thinks cards are a waste of money.
You make a fuss and buy him a card anyway.

You would like a bit of a fuss and quite like cards.
He doesn't bother.

Both of you are as equally bad at not giving the other person what they want.

It sounds like you need to communicate better.

And no, don't do anything for his milestone birthday. It sounds like that would make him happy. But do, explain, that all he thinks birthdays are a waste of time, you would quite like xyz doing for yours, so it would be nice if he could do that?

Good for you OP. Let us know how it goes on the day! I think despite all his grumbling in the past he'll be a bit hurt when you don't celebrate. And it will be good for him to feel that, because then he'll know how you feel

Generic cake from a supermarket so the kids can sing happy birthday to him and have a bit of cake, so more for them than for him.

Leave it in the kitchen in the box.