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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

254 replies

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

OP posts:
anon666 · 22/08/2024 22:17

Good on your dh.

The man is shameless

EmeraldA129 · 22/08/2024 22:24

#teamDH all the way

Curtainseeker · 22/08/2024 23:39

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

Your husband is amazing 👏but what a douche the father is and obviously sad for his daughter

Codlingmoths · 23/08/2024 01:03

10/10 to your dh, and bonus win for your friend. Drag it out, insist on what she deserves!

browneyes77 · 23/08/2024 07:56

I think your DH is an absolute legend!!👏🏼👏🏼

Called the selfish prick out with such eloquent sarcasm, which then allowed him to drop himself right in it to friends mom to help her with the divorce.

Also, kudos to friends mom for making sure his finances are being examined and for her Miss Marple skills!! 😂

It’s a shame DD’s friend has been upset, but that was by her father’s actions, not your DH’s. Better that she’s sees him for what he is now, because I suspect his new marriage will come as a blow to the poor girl later down the line. It’s good she has you guys as a bit of extra support. Buying her some uni stuff was a lovely thing to do.

Ukrainebaby23 · 23/08/2024 08:45

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

Show quote history

Nope haven't Rtft but DH is stormin and friends dad is a CF who needs outing. Yes absolutely friend will be hurt a bit, but she's old enough to know how the world works and to see her DF in his true colours.
Talk to her though, about father's reaction in kind words and how your DH thinks her father is a slacker. And how you don't resent buying her stuff to help her out bc she and her mum are worthy.

fedupwithcookingfromscratch · 23/08/2024 08:47

As someone whose ex behaves appallingly I live in hope that someone somewhere someday will call him out like this. You are both clearly wonderful people, you for helping take care of DD's friend and sharing the financial burden, and him for not only sharing the burden but putting the blame so publicly where it belongs. In my opinion you both rock. I know what you mean about his daughter hearing this - but it is much better for her to know the truth rather than romanticise him, and as others have said, she's got her mum and both of you as role models for how to be a fully functioning adult. She can start uni clear eyed about the future.

Naunet · 23/08/2024 08:51

Sorry OP, I’m on your husbands side, we need more men calling out other mens shit behaviour.

FOJN · 23/08/2024 09:21

lifeuniverseeverything · 22/08/2024 09:13

Thank you to all who commented. I did tell DH. He's pleased with himself and I've apologised for saying he should have zipped it.

Some developments last night. Husband called friends mum and had a go at her for badmouthing him to people! Seriously. You couldn't make it up. Anyway he then tried to use his upset at being badmouthed, alongside vague threats to "tell the children the truth" (what truth? He's delusional) to try and bully her into expediting the divorce and finalising the financial order later. It's taking a long time because she's had to hire someone to forensically look at his financial situation.

Anyway he was so weirdly insistent about getting divorced that she got off the phone and went all Poirot on his ass. Via another friend she found a screenshot from the girlfriend's social media ABOUT THEIR WEDDING at the end of the year. They've sent out save the dates and presumably paid deposits etc. His kids don't know. Anyway this is glorious m, as now she can insist on the financial order before the divorce, and if he wants his wedding he'll have to be a bit more amenable.

If he'd been less of a cock she'd never have found out...

So many men seem to get away with appalling behaviour that I'm cheered when karma bites a few on the arse.

Mum needs to keep quiet that she knows about the wedding and negotiate hard for a fair settlement.

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 23/08/2024 11:43

It usually takes another man calling out the bullshit for men like that even to feel a slice of guilt .. well-done husband!

It's still a shame the girl was upset but lots of reassurance and support could help bolster her up. What a knob though ignoring is own kid.

Sometimesright · 23/08/2024 11:44

sorry I agree with your husband! He probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk to her with the gf there anyway.

Nicebloomers · 23/08/2024 11:50

We need more men calling out other men’s shitty behaviour like this. You got yourself a good one there OP.

MustWeDoThis · 23/08/2024 11:51

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

Your husband is a legend.

MustWeDoThis · 23/08/2024 11:59

lifeuniverseeverything · 22/08/2024 09:13

Thank you to all who commented. I did tell DH. He's pleased with himself and I've apologised for saying he should have zipped it.

Some developments last night. Husband called friends mum and had a go at her for badmouthing him to people! Seriously. You couldn't make it up. Anyway he then tried to use his upset at being badmouthed, alongside vague threats to "tell the children the truth" (what truth? He's delusional) to try and bully her into expediting the divorce and finalising the financial order later. It's taking a long time because she's had to hire someone to forensically look at his financial situation.

Anyway he was so weirdly insistent about getting divorced that she got off the phone and went all Poirot on his ass. Via another friend she found a screenshot from the girlfriend's social media ABOUT THEIR WEDDING at the end of the year. They've sent out save the dates and presumably paid deposits etc. His kids don't know. Anyway this is glorious m, as now she can insist on the financial order before the divorce, and if he wants his wedding he'll have to be a bit more amenable.

If he'd been less of a cock she'd never have found out...

I work for the DWP - Is Mum aware that CMA can take CMS from partners earnings if they live together? Even if she's on benefits. I suggest she inform child maintenance so they can send out an earnings request to the wicked step-mother probably half Dad's age the blushing bride.

GreyCloudsAbove · 23/08/2024 13:11

From someone that's also dealing with a deadbeat, I applaud your husband and wish there were more people like him. Not just men but also women who should call out deadbeats in their families, friendship circles or just life. Maybe public shame would make them think twice.

Amazing role models to your daughter and her friend too ❤️

angelinaballerina7 · 23/08/2024 13:21

But this man was glad to let his own daughter know he couldn’t afford anything because of his financial situation, if there was nothing to hide he’d have spoken to his daughter. He’s a twat and I’m firmly team DH on this one.

Nothanks17 · 23/08/2024 13:25

Your DH is fab. Your DDs friend will be grateful in the future. What a great thing you are both doing for your DD's friend

DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/08/2024 21:21

MustWeDoThis · 23/08/2024 11:59

I work for the DWP - Is Mum aware that CMA can take CMS from partners earnings if they live together? Even if she's on benefits. I suggest she inform child maintenance so they can send out an earnings request to the wicked step-mother probably half Dad's age the blushing bride.

Show quote history

I always thought a new partner’s earnings could not be considered for child maintenence. Please could you give us some information? Thanks.

AmIEnough · 24/08/2024 08:06

Bloody hell! I want to shake your husband‘s hand! He played an absolute blinder! I have an ex-husband who basically did exactly the same and so hasn’t really paid any child maintenance for pretty much most of my daughter’s life and now she is working an apprenticeship she is the one that takes him out for lunch or to the cinema. He is a disgraceful waste of space so I’m so pleased that your husband saw fit to pull this guy up on it, in what seemed like a very friendly manner. The shock on the girlfriend’s face must’ve been priceless! I really feel for his daughter however and you are wonderful people for supporting her so beautifully.

Daleksatemyshed · 24/08/2024 08:43

Well done that man, how lovely that it's rattled the Dad so much. If I was the girl's DM I'd make sure the divorce now took so long, no wedding for him until she gets every penny he owes her

Flibflobflibflob · 24/08/2024 08:44

Oh I like the sound of your DH.

Barney60 · 25/08/2024 11:50

DH needs a medal, well done!

beanii · 26/08/2024 10:05

agree with your husband

Welshmonster · 26/08/2024 10:11

DH should have held his hand out for some cash to take the kid shopping.

Northernladdette · 26/08/2024 10:15

Where’s the AIBU vote?
Good for him, not many people would have had the balls to say that. Let’s hope it was an eye opener for the girlfriend 🙂