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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

254 replies

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

OP posts:
LittleMousewithcloggson · 21/08/2024 20:12

Fully on team DH here. What a legend! Thank goodness there are still some people in this world who aren’t afraid to say what others are all thinking
Her dad left because he is an unpleasant c* who realised he had been found out. Hope your husbands words haunt him for days!

Hankunamatata · 21/08/2024 20:12

The friends dad is event more of a twat for not speaking to his own dd

Witchbitch20 · 21/08/2024 20:12

Mr Lifeuniverseeverything we salute you.

Blanca87 · 21/08/2024 20:13

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

No way! Your daughter’s friend is so lucky to have you all. It might not seem like it now but I bet she will treasure the fact someone had her back and did not slither away from the fact her dad is waste of space. You should be proud and keep being the incredible people that you are you are making a real positive difference to someone’s life. ❤️

AzureSheep · 21/08/2024 20:14

This —-> 👑 is for your husband.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 21/08/2024 20:15

Team DH 🤩🤩 I'm sorry (for his daughter) that the man is such a dick, but his daughter (and new gf) deserves to know!!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/08/2024 20:17

Another vote for team DH. The more men call out other men for this bullshit the better.

MissUltraViolet · 21/08/2024 20:17

Your husband is an absolute legend.

So are you, for helping this girl so much.

Guavafish1 · 21/08/2024 20:22

Sad for the friend… that would break my heart … when done DH for being a good guy

Unrealnotunrealistic · 21/08/2024 20:24

Have you told the friend’s mum what happened?

RB68 · 21/08/2024 20:25

As an aside if the income has changed significantly - or the circumstances ie now divorced you can put in a case to the loan people for special circumstances/change of circumstances and they will relook at it. Hope that helps

Pammela2 · 21/08/2024 20:27

Another team DH! I love that he called him out. Of course daughter will be upset about her father not speaking to her, but that’s on him, not your husband!

AzureSheep · 21/08/2024 20:28

MissUltraViolet · 21/08/2024 20:17

Your husband is an absolute legend.

So are you, for helping this girl so much.

Yes, also this ——> 👑 for you OP, for stepping up and taking DDs friend in and treating her as your own. She will have benefited in ways you cannot begin to measure from that.

MadeForThis · 21/08/2024 20:29

Team DH. Why should everyone pretend that the ex is a good guy.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/08/2024 20:30

What a fucking legend. My dad fiddled the books and paid £5 a week to my mum. Bought various things like a house, caravan etc and still very begrudgingly paid £5. I wish someone would have done the same to my dad. I would have been in bits at the time as I still wanted him to just prioritise /love me but now I’m older I just see him for his true self and I would find it so great.

ScribblingPixie · 21/08/2024 20:30

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

No one should be polite to his face. He should be shamed into being a better father.

elizzza · 21/08/2024 20:31

I’d be proud of your DH - better that than be one of the men you say are polite to this idiot’s face then bitch about him later.

I feel sad for your daughter’s friend, but for much bigger reasons than seeing her dad leave today. It’s not your DH’s fault that the useless dad hasn’t seen her in ages, or was too much of a coward to stay around and say hi after being embarrassed.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2024 20:31

ScribblingPixie · 21/08/2024 20:30

No one should be polite to his face. He should be shamed into being a better father.

Totally agree. Men like this should be shamed everywhere.

Starlightstarbright3 · 21/08/2024 20:31

go Dh ..

show him the thread .. That man is a keeper .

Otherstories2002 · 21/08/2024 20:31

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

Short term she was sad.

long term she’s seen a man do the right thing. That’s invaluable.

DrinkElephants · 21/08/2024 20:31

Team DH!

0psiedasiy · 21/08/2024 20:31

I'm team DH too. I think he's awesome.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/08/2024 20:32

RB68 · 21/08/2024 20:25

As an aside if the income has changed significantly - or the circumstances ie now divorced you can put in a case to the loan people for special circumstances/change of circumstances and they will relook at it. Hope that helps

Also think she should put a special case to student loans or contact university advice service for support.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/08/2024 20:32

@lifeuniverseeverything I am on team dh too!!! someone needed to state the obvious and it was clear the new girl was shocked and the dad did not like being called out for what he was! a parental bastard!!! and now the friend also sees exactly what type of father he really is!

mindutopia · 21/08/2024 20:33

Your husband is a legend. Sadly, your dd’s friend knows what a shit he is and having a Disney Dad 5 minutes with him would have no benefit to her. Give her a cuddle. Tell her how incredible she is and how lovely it is to have her in your family. She’s very lucky to have you.