Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

[lifeuniverseeverything]

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

What infuriates me about men like this is that sadly their children, regardless of age, are hanging on for a crumb of contact/affection/love and the men only care about themselves. My Uncle was completely absent in my cousins life when she was growing up - was supposed to have her on a Saturday and just never showed up, she used to sit and wait for him all day. She cut all contact on her 21st Birthday. He had a new wife and lived with her and all her kids. This was 25 years ago and my Mum (it’s her brother) wasn’t in contact with him either, about 3 years ago it came to light that he has vascular dementia, his wife had died and he needed help - step-kids nowhere to be seen. My Mum and his estranged daughter and brother have all stepped up and it is so much more than he deserves. This man has clearly hidden his assets and deserted his daughter and the minute he got told a couple of home truths he scarpered without even speaking to his daughter - he should be ashamed and your husband is 100% correct. She won’t hear you but you need to tell his daughter to stop wasting her tears on this man and be thankful she has an amazing Mum and an amazing family like yours looking out for her. Some people don’t deserve kids.

DD’s friend’s dad is a shameful excuse of a man!

This is beautiful. I hope your friend doubles right down on the settlement.

I bloody love your DH.

Adds Mr Lifeuniverseeverything to men I'd pick instead of the bear.

Some men (ie the problematic ones) will only start being accountable when other men actually hold them accountable.

Buy that man a pint.

Nothing to add really but you and your husband sound amazing

Team DH.

Such a shame that I doubt it will change the Dad into realising he needs to financially support his DD properly.

First of all, congratulations on your excellent choice of husband, OP! He’s a great bloke.

As for Mr Let’s Pretend I Don’t Have A Daughter, I expect the “failing business” was news to the girlfriend. And I hope your mate absolutely rinses him in the financial settlement now she knows how much of a rush he is in before the new woman realises what a dick he is.

Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant. I have no time for dad's who run off leaving teen kids in the lurch for uni. I remember supporting friends in the 90s with emotional & financially absent parents. And my daughter is doing this , like yours, in 2024.
Well done!

If this was a limited company, then his accounts are probably in the public domain - might be worth a look?

It might be a bit tricky to sort at this stage if her dad's income has already been declared but I would have thought from this that her dependent parent was her mum and her dad's income wouldn't count
Section 4.4 of this: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid-2024-to-2025
(Also if anyone is in a similar situation and her dad's income had dropped by more than 15% there's a form which allows your loan to be assessed on the current year rather than previous years)

your DH is a hero.

Only change I would have made is to key the car on his way out, but I guess the guy nipped off so quickly it would have been difficult to manage 😂

Team DH all the way! What a legend…definitely think more men should be shown their arse in this way. And thanks for loving your DD’s friend, the world needs more people like you 👏

Team DH here but maintenance grants only ask for the resident parent’s income so they wouldn’t have asked about her Dad’s (unless they were still together at that point?).

I don’t know- I’m sort of with you OP. While I think your DH is a legend for calling him out, the poor girl is probably feeling sensitive enough about the whole thing without having it all laid out like that and in public too. It’s her personal business. If she’s upset it is on her dad, not your OH and perhaps when she’s feels better she’ll really appreciate that DH stood up for her.

If she's not getting maximum loan, student loan must know something CMS doesn't, I'd be trying to get a recalculation due to discrepancy! (Unless.im reading it wrongly)

Honestly I think your husband is a star for calling him out on it. This is how a traditional patriarchy should operate with men calling each other out and losing social standing for failing to provide for their dependants.

I agree with @MouseMama - we don’t call out men who abandon their kids, be that physically and/or financially.
We congratulate their engagements, sit silently at their second weddings and send gifts for their new babies without saying a word.
You and your DH have filled a big gap in this child’s life and with no thanks from her dad. Your DH had every right to call him out. As for his DD, she didn’t even know he’s engaged! He’s a horrible excuse of a father.

Honestly I'm amazed that your DDs friend has reached university age and not figured out that her dad is a deadbeat asshole. My children figured their dad out when they were about 15 or so, without any info from me. I'm sad that she was upset by this, but I think your DH is a legend, and that nasty little worm deserved to be embarrassed and more.

100%. If men who abandoned their children were treated with half the scorn of single mothers it wouldn't happen anywhere near as often.

Your husband is a legend

Sorry OP, team DH too. Brilliant.
Would love to have been privy to their conversation after that encounter. His poor dd though, pathetic man.
I wish more men would call other men out. A friend of mine recently left her abusive partner of 20 years, only now several months later has she recognised it as abuse and she is telling all and sundry. He is losing friends and work left and right and back living with his mum. It's wonderful to watch someone get their comeuppance and actually suffer some consequences for their awful behaviour.

Your DH acted protectively for your daughters friend towards the cretin that supplied his DNA. In life she will start to realise who has her back and who hasnt and will hopefully adjust her loyalties. You have a good un there.

Good on your DH for calling him out in front of his new GF. Such a shame for his DD though. Some men are Pricks when it comes to providing for their kids. They think they're funding the mothers life if they pay maintenance when in actual fact it's the Mothers who are enabling their lifestyle by being a full time caring parent & doing all the leg work involved in parenting.

Round of applause for your DH, he stood up for the daughter.

Her estranged father sounds like an absolute shitbag! Poor girl, that would feel so humiliating and hurtful x