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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

254 replies

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

OP posts:
Mumandcarer80 · 22/08/2024 10:15

cstaff · 22/08/2024 09:53

I love how your Dh was quite discreet and not "calling him out" i.e. shouting the odds at him about being a shit Dad but actually feeling sorry for him and offering to help along with a free pint. The shit dad must have been mortified. Hilarious.

Sarcasm at it's finest.😊😂

bigageap · 22/08/2024 10:18

I’d like to buy your husband a beer!
numerous threads on here recently about men calling out other men. Refreshing to see it happening. Bravo

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/08/2024 10:20

This is a dream come true from a mum who is left with all the expenses scenario! He is shamed and shown up in front of his gf!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/08/2024 10:20

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 21/08/2024 19:56

Good on your husband.

The DD will know as a result that there ARE decent men who can look out for their kids (and their kids’ friends), even if she is gutted that her dad scarpered.

I think your husband is brilliant!

Agree

TeapotCollection · 22/08/2024 10:24

“now she can insist on the financial order before the divorce”

I really hope she would do that anyway regardless of his impending marriage

AgnesX · 22/08/2024 13:14

That was quite the update. Did the fiancée know about the children do you think?

Dreadful man!
!

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 22/08/2024 17:54

Team DH. Hes said what we’d all wished we could.
I get why his daughter was upset, she’s learnt to placate her dad so she gets his attention. Sounds like a little therapy might help her unpick some of that.

Km06 · 22/08/2024 18:04

Team DH here all the way

themorninggirl · 22/08/2024 18:36

I think he is great, well done him!

However I don't understand why the friend isn't getting the full maintenance loan, as my son is at Uni and they only take our household income into consideration, not his Dads. They only take the one household that is their main residence, there shouldn't be any issue over the other parent especially if she doesn't even see him at the moment.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/08/2024 18:39

Love the latest update

Hatty65 · 22/08/2024 18:46

Your DH is great. Good for him. He was glorious. Civil, sympathetic and showed the twat up.

If I was your friend I'd now be draaaggggggiiiiiingggg my heels over the divorce. What paperwork? It wouldn't quite be through this year, sadly...

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 22/08/2024 18:49

It needs to become socially unacceptable to weasel out of paying proper maintenance, just like drink driving was made socially unacceptable. If only more men were like your husband and called this shit out.

Motomum23 · 22/08/2024 18:51

Your husband is a super hero.

Thatwouldbeme · 22/08/2024 18:56

Team dh

ThistleTits · 22/08/2024 19:03

@lifeuniverseeverything
The quicker she realises her father is tight fisted bastard and keeps her in poverty, the better she'll get on.
Husband is correct and I would be proud he took that stand.

Bushmillsbabe · 22/08/2024 19:05

Your DH is amazing, I absolutely love what he said. I would have wanted to do what he did but not quite had the guts.

His poor daughter though, I'm so glad she has you and DH to look out for her.

Mum0fb0yz · 22/08/2024 19:08

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

Sorry I don't agree. Team DH as well!
The DDs friends father is obviously still making good money and is just hiding it so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. If more of his friends had pulled him up on this disgusting behaviour maybe he would start pulling his weight a bit more rather than making the mum work two jobs and putting it on you and your husband to provide for HIS daughter. He is a waste of space and super glad your husband knocked him down a peg or two!

MummyofTw0 · 22/08/2024 19:45

You're husband is amazing 👏

JustMeAndTheFish · 22/08/2024 19:45

After three court appearances my ex agreed to pay maintenance as ordered by the CSA. Great. But he then diverted all his income through his business and didn’t declare a personal income so I received £10 per month per child (3 children). Didn’t even pay their school dinners. Still don’t know how that possibility failed to occur to various solicitors and a barrister. If someone could have taken him down (verbally or otherwise) I’d have recorded it and watched it every day.

MrRydersParlourGame · 22/08/2024 20:02

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

Sorry, Team DH.

Your DH's actions were not the reason for, nor do they excuse, friend's father scuttling off without speaking to his child.

The reason for that is that he is an irredeemable cunt, as he has amply demonstrated.

Be proud you have a DH who spots him for what he is.

MrRydersParlourGame · 22/08/2024 20:05

lifeuniverseeverything · 22/08/2024 09:13

Thank you to all who commented. I did tell DH. He's pleased with himself and I've apologised for saying he should have zipped it.

Some developments last night. Husband called friends mum and had a go at her for badmouthing him to people! Seriously. You couldn't make it up. Anyway he then tried to use his upset at being badmouthed, alongside vague threats to "tell the children the truth" (what truth? He's delusional) to try and bully her into expediting the divorce and finalising the financial order later. It's taking a long time because she's had to hire someone to forensically look at his financial situation.

Anyway he was so weirdly insistent about getting divorced that she got off the phone and went all Poirot on his ass. Via another friend she found a screenshot from the girlfriend's social media ABOUT THEIR WEDDING at the end of the year. They've sent out save the dates and presumably paid deposits etc. His kids don't know. Anyway this is glorious m, as now she can insist on the financial order before the divorce, and if he wants his wedding he'll have to be a bit more amenable.

If he'd been less of a cock she'd never have found out...

Bonus!

Karma may be Taylor Swift's boyfriend but apparently he is your husband 😅.

Toptops · 22/08/2024 21:25

Team DH!
Wonderful technique!

Theeffingcleaner · 22/08/2024 22:02

The mum can claim for unpaid child support even if her daughter is going to uni. Get in touch with HMRC and also CMS and she can claim for it to be backdated from time he hasn’t paid. If there was an order in place and he has broken this regardless of his circumstances CMS can take him to court to get him to pay and also bailiffs can remove his belongings in order for CMS to rightfully get what is owed, he has no leg to stand on.
if he can pay for a solicitor for divorce and to sort out his financial order and also pay for an upcoming wedding, he can pay for his child! Also this can be bought up not paying for his child in divorce from him and can be used against him for not supporting his child. Well done to your husband for showing up someone who is so self centred and up his own arse that he couldn’t even stay around to see his own flesh and blood, what a coward. You’re DD friend I do feel sorry for but at least she has you pair there for her 👏🫶💪

fatimashortbread · 22/08/2024 22:06

Team DH here - what a trooper. Did he mean to embarrass or was he genuinely sticking his foot in it!

Jumpers4goalposts · 22/08/2024 22:13

I wish there were more men around like your DH. He was 100% right to call that useless lump out.