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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

254 replies

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 19:52

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

OP posts:
Heatwavenotify · 21/08/2024 21:28

Fantastic! Your husband is a hero 👏🏼

Iateallthechocolate · 21/08/2024 21:28

Better she sees her dad's feet of clay now rather than later. It's a hard lesson to learn that your dad is shit.
It does however save you from using him as a template for future romantic relationships.
I'm team DH on this ( had my own shit dad)

Portfun24 · 21/08/2024 21:29

He was absolutely magnificent and in no way unreasonable.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 21/08/2024 21:30

Biggaybear · 21/08/2024 21:08

Not read the full thread only the first page.........and thus us about the Maintenance Grant not what your husband says (which was epic btw)

Not sure this is making sense. Maintenance Grant is based on the RP's income. If your DD's friend lives with her mum then surely it's her mums income that is assessed & not her dads. Even then they take last years income into account......so tax year ending 2023.

All sounds a bit iffy to me.

Only my income, not my ExH's, was included for my child's loan calculations. It would be worth DD's friend and her Mum checking their application, it might be they made an error.

Oh, and Team DH. Please show him this thread. The world needs more men like him.

creepywoman · 21/08/2024 21:30

To be honest I think your husband is morally right of course…but I also do think that his approach might cause problems. The other dad is obviously a bit shit, a bit shady and will likely find a way to paint himself as the victim and make life harder for his ex and his daughter.

BrightLightTonight · 21/08/2024 21:31

Well done your DH. Too many people “don’t want to make a scene”. Your DD’s friend needed to see the scummy side of her sperm donor father which will help her make better choices in the future.

lunar1 · 21/08/2024 21:31

You've got a good one there.

BlueMum16 · 21/08/2024 21:35

Your DH is showing this friend what acceptable looks like (remember she doesn't have a male role model) and how to challenge dickheads in a reasonable but obvious way. This is acceptable male behaviour championing females.

Well done DH

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 21/08/2024 21:37

Your husband needs to do the girl an even bigger favour and sit her down to have a chat about how she deserves to be treated........because sadly her absolute shitcunt of a dad has set her up for a lifetime of low self worth and a higher chance of ending up in shitty, abusive relationships. Which she'll accept because it's better than being alone 😔

Starlight7080 · 21/08/2024 21:37

Team dh here. But you both sound lovely for all you do for the other man's daughter . Shame on him for not doing it

whynotwhatknot · 21/08/2024 21:39

im sure they can reasses grants if a parent leave

i think your dh was very clever and measured in what he said

poor girl that twat doesnt deserve her

Garlicfest · 21/08/2024 21:39

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

I can't quite believe you think DH should've tiptoed round this selfish twat's ego.

To what end? Do you imagine that, on sight of his daughter, he'd have gathered her, weeping, to his bosom and written her a large cheque?

He's had plenty of opportunity to do that. He's still leaving it to YOU to parent HIS child, while all his mates pretend that's perfectly fine. It isn't. You know it isn't, everyone knows it isn't. Not only was your husband dead right, he was right with style, charm and grace!

VisitationRights · 21/08/2024 21:39

Gold star ⭐️ for your husband, that man needed someone to expose him for the bellend that he is.

YellowAsteroid · 21/08/2024 21:39

Your DH is a good man. The friend’s dad is not. It’s on her father that your DD’s friend is upset not your DH.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 21/08/2024 21:39

Your DH is brilliant. Sounds like friend’s dad has been telling the gf porkies one way it the other. Hope she’s seen through him.

Pennyplant19 · 21/08/2024 21:40

Loving your husband!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 21/08/2024 21:42

Your DH is awesome! Good on both of you for taking such good care of your daughter’s friend.

And this thread has conclusively proven that MumsNet doesn’t hate all men. Just the shitty ones.

Motherbear44 · 21/08/2024 21:42

Blanca87 · 21/08/2024 19:59

your husband is a dude. This world needs more people like your amazing husband.

Lots of applause for your husband. We need more like him in the world.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 21/08/2024 21:44

The thing is though, DH was just friendly and supportive, he didn't say anything that was in itself offensive or even critical. Why would he even think that this man hasn't told the new GF that he has a daughter, or that his business went tits up, or that he's pretending that his business went tits up so he could avoid paying for his daughter to go to uni, or anything else the man is now embarrassed about? And to top it off, the bastard scarpered after spotting his daughter which is just the icing on the shit-flavoured cake.

The only way this could get better is if the new GF sees the light and leaves him 😁

AegonT · 21/08/2024 21:44

Good for your husband!

IGotBigKidsAndICannotLie · 21/08/2024 21:46

I fancy your husband a bit now, OP. Hope you don't mind.

RolaColaLola · 21/08/2024 21:49

Nope. Your husband was very reasonable and should not take the blame for the other man’s poor parenting, lying, cowardice!

Lwrenn · 21/08/2024 21:53

#teamDH

Good for him!

Sweetnessandbite · 21/08/2024 21:57

Well done to your DH! Agree with pps that it is so very rare that you actually get to say things like this, people want to, but never get the opportunity. Your DH didn't faulted! You both sound awesome. Poor girl though, to be with his new gf makes it even worse.

Also, my H left and earns a lot. He doesn't pay any maintenance and his income has not be included in Uni finance. So hopefully your friend can get it reassessed.

Imbusytodaysorry · 21/08/2024 21:58

lifeuniverseeverything · 21/08/2024 20:06

Oh. I I don't think I will show him this thread! He'll be insufferable.

The thing is other dads have met friends dad previously- he's still swanning round Richmond in nice pubs etc living in a flat his cousin apparently pays for. They've all been polite to his face and then bitched later. I just think DH should have put his bullishness away and thought about friend.

Nope ! Why should he have ?
Your husband is a decent man he knows Dd friends dad isn’t .

He called Him out on it and well done him!