Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

[lifeuniverseeverything]

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

Not all heroes wear capes, as they say.
If more men held other men directly to account for being useless scumbag sperm donors instead of real Dads, the world would be a better place.

No your DH is great..if more people were like him and called out deadbeat dad's and didn't pretend to be friends with them while bitching behind back like your other friends, maybe less dads would be deadbeat!

If I met your husband, I'd buy him a pint 👏

Friend should be able to get an in-year assessment for the loan, because it’s a significant difference in household income.

Team DH though, well done him!

Team DH! Her father is a cunt. My ex is a cunt too and I got in trouble for calling him one this week over similar. More men like your husband need to speak out! Don't let these bastards off the shame.

You and your husband are fab people! So kind of you to do that for your daughters friend 👏

It's not down to your husbands absolutely fantastic speech your daughters friend never saw her dad. Her dad is a coward and he ran away from his own daughter in shame.

Team husband.

More people should be like your dh.

team DH. gave a good laugh.

I think what your husband did was commendable and appropriate. Too often the boys club mentality, means that everyone puts on a phony face and tries to be polite to SPARE the irresponsible parent from feeling ‘bad’. It’s important that children have good role models who are prepared to do the right thing and make a stand. This father deserves to be BOYCOTTED, he’s failing to support his child, emotionally and financially and he’s content that others provide the love and support which is his duty to provide. Thank God for good people like you and your husband.

Team DH 🏆

You married well.

You know what? Keeping quiet is not the best thing for DD’s BFF. Any day now she’s going to twig she’s got Capn Crap for a father and she’ll be horrified, confused, guilty, scared and lost.

Bad Dad is a big thing for anyone. The pain and disappointment can last for life.

Everyone who acknowledges that will help
her.

Anyone who is ‘tactful’ is slightly gaslighting her - she’s only going to recover from shit parenting and move on when she accepts it.

Children don’t thank you for not telling the truth.

Capn’s girlfriend should be hugely grateful to DH too.

My dad is like your husband. We need a lot more people like them in this world. Although, my dad is very embarrassing 😱

Whaaat.

Any good father would have atleast stopped to talk to his DD. Bare minimum. Goes without saying he should be in contact with her and helping her mentally / financially all he can.
Using your DH's shaming him for an excuse to ignore his own daughter is very poor indeed.

Good for him. Yes, a teenager would have been embarrassed. They get embarrassed when we do just about anything.

She is probably also secretly thrilled someone called out her deadbeat dad. She knows her father is lying about his business.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa I didn't know that was possible and I don't think her and her mum do either. Thank you!

Another pat on the back for DH.

I feel sorry for friend that she's got such a selfish useless father, but you can't shelter her from that forever.

DH wasn't embarrassing, played it straight, friend's father could behaved well but chose the cowards way out.

DH is a good one. TBH sombody needed to say it like it was. As friend is resident with Mum and her income is low she should get student finance based on mums income only , unless mum has another live in partner. They can contact student finance for in year assessment for this year.

@lifeuniverseeverything On another note, student finance won't consider the dad's income if parents are divorced. Only the income of the parent the student lives with is taken into account. (If parent has a new partner their income will be counted though)

She might want to check her SFE application and check she's not named both parents on it.

I do wonder if new girlfriend was aware he had a daughter.

You’d show him the thread if it slated him like you wanted it to. You should show it to him now it’s supporting him.

Do you not think people like friends dad should be held account to their face for his bellend behaviour? He is swanning around because he thinks people like/respect him.

Your DH is amazing.

A word of caution. I know of a similar situation.
During a levels the child moved into friends.
The mum is recieving substantial child support but child moved to friends as problems at mums house. Mum still claiming CB and so also getting child maintenance as this is linked to CB and will only stop if CB is claimed elsewhere.
Dad can't financially support child directly or the family where child currently lives because already payments going to the Mum. The mum is not passing on a penny.

Maybe things aren't always clear cut

Only when men hold other men accountable for their behaviour in society will we move forward and raise our overall expectations for “absent” fathers. All hail your DH!! Legend in the making. And do show him this thread! Men need to understand how important it is to women that they bloody stand up for us against shitty shitbag men.

This! Team DH for me too! He's fab!