Was my husband unreasonable? Maintenance

[lifeuniverseeverything]

My DD has a friend she's known since primary. This girl has lived at our house for months while her mum was travelling and they're inseparable. Both got into university.

Friend's parents are divorced. Acrimoniously. Her dad was supposed to pay maintenance and child support but his previously highly profitable company suddenly/ mysteriously found itself making no money so he's paid nothing.

Mum working 2 jobs hence the travel.

DDs friend gets a maintenance grant but not a full one because of her dad's previous income. Her mum is barely holding on so DH and I discussed things and decided to take both girls university shopping for stuff today, and we'd pay. Friend was very grateful and happy.

We stopped for a coffee (in a retail park) and who should park in a space in front of us but friend's dad and his new girlfriend. Anyway he sees DH (initially not me, DD or friend) and moseys on over to say hi. This is where the AIBU comes in. DH shook his hand, got introduced to the girlfriend and then said loudly "Very sorry to hear about the business failing. Must have been such a shock. Any time you fancy a pint (on me!) let me know. Also, don't worry about (friends name). We love her and are happy to get all her university stuff for her". Girlfriend froze, he froze, it was funny and awful at the same time, then he saw DDs friend and scarpered.

This is the was husband unreasonable question. Friend loves her dad. She hadn't seen him for ages and was really hurt when she saw him vanishing. I think DH should have just zipped it and perhaps he'd have stayed and spoken to his daughter who ended up quite upset.

DH is bullish and said "the man's a c*#t and I'm happy I embarrassed him".

It's a shame that your dds friend was upset but I am team dh on this one

Well done to your DH!

Your DH is an antidote to the endemic shitness of the male species of the moment. Stuff of legend.

Friend absolutely must request an in year assessment based on her mum’s income only. She will be entitled to
more than she is getting.

Team DH! It’s exactly what I would have done

Was the daughter there to hear him saying this? If she was he was completely out of order.

If not, fantastic. The 'DF' sounds like a complete arse.

More men need to call other men out. That's absolutely awful that he scarpered at the sight of his own daughter.
This is such an important time for your DD's friend with starting uni and learning how to be an adult, how upsetting for her to have such a crappy dad and to know her mum is struggling. It will make a world of difference to her to have additional supportive grownups she knows she can trust and chat to! I hope you can continue being there for her as much as you can.

Team DH.

If the other 'father' weren't such a self-absorbed cunt he would have spoken to his own daughter regardless. What a coward.

Yes. The loan is based on the resident parent’s income. Sounds like the friend doesn’t live with her father, so his income shouldn’t be included in the application.

OP, I want to be your DH when I grow up! The more men who call out other men on their shirking on their parental responsibilities, the better!

Not read the full thread only the first page.........and thus us about the Maintenance Grant not what your husband says (which was epic btw)

Not sure this is making sense. Maintenance Grant is based on the RP's income. If your DD's friend lives with her mum then surely it's her mums income that is assessed & not her dads. Even then they take last years income into account......so tax year ending 2023.

All sounds a bit iffy to me.

💯 defo on team DH! least ur hubby had the balls to say what everyone else has thought but not had the balls to say!

But it was never likely that he'd have wanted to spend time with friend anyway, whatever your DH did. Not with the new girlfriend in tow, who might not even know about her existence and at best will have been fed a load of shite.

He didn't run away because your DH showed him up. He ran away because he wants to pretend he doesn't have a daughter. If he was okay with seeing his DD he'd have been in touch with her. He was vile because he's vile, not because of what your DH said.

A long time ago, but a friend of mine did this. Her Dad said she’s an adult now she’s 18 and no longer her responsibility. She can get a job like he did, and he’s not finding her through university. She was devastated, rang the university to say she couldn’t take up the place, but they supported her in getting assessed based on no parental income.

RESPECT!

A medal for your DH. If more people called out bull shit there might be less of it

@lifeuniverseeverything
Just to say awesome DH.
And you for treating her as you did your own DD.
Also the friend must do her student finance based on only her mothers income.
Depending on uni, she may well be able to get a means tested bursary (free cash) simply by ticking the box on the student finance forms that allow the uni to see income info.
Or she might be able to apply as an unsupported student.
Definitely call student finance asap.

Your DH is awesome!

I think your husband sounds amazing - really quick thinking to say that. I’m sorry his daughter was upset - but I imagine thats because her dad essentially blanked her. He chose to do that, chose not to see her for months and chooses not to financially support her. Your husband can’t do much to make him look worse, but hopefully will shame him into providing if he thinks everyone is talking about him.

No I think after she might feel better that another adult sees through her dad and calls him out. I have a less than Stellar H and MIL always makes excuses for him. His oldest DD would rather she say you’re right he’s a shit.

Team DH here. The friend may have been embarrassed or sad but it will do her good in the long run to face the problem head on. If everyone pussyfoots around the issue, she will continue to think his behaviour is in some way acceptable and she'll keep seeking out crumbs of affection. Someone actually stating the facts will contribute to her acknowledging the situation.

@HerRoyalNotness absolutely agree!

How fortuitous that this happened when there have been some popular threads on this site about deadbeat fathers. Illustrates the point so perfectly somehow/

This

Mr lifeuniverseeverything for the win!

This sums it up
I'm team your husband - good on him for letting the other bloke know everyone knows exactly what a lying wanker he is.

I feel sorry for his daughter but at 18 she needs to realise that her Dad is a looser but that there are other people in the world (you & your DH) who are generous, caring & compassionate