AIBU? Bridesmaid and childcare

[Bridely2be]

Getting married next spring and bridesmaid can only stay for one night due to childcare, meaning she can only stay night of wedding and won't be with bridal party the night before. AIBU to be annoyed? Surely that's a pretty basic expectation? Her mum is having baby on night of wedding so she and partner can attend, but night before her partner could have baby but she doesn't want to leave baby for 2 nights.
Edited to add that wedding is far from home so makes wedding day logistics v v v difficult due to early ceremony. Not just being brudezilla

Her baby's rightly more important. If I was her I wouldn't attend at all. A real friend wouldn't expect her to leave her baby. Yes you're being a bridezilla.

She is spending one night away and not everyone is like you.

I would never have left mine even for a night when they were baby, even now they are older I wouldn’t go for 2 nights. Not everyone wants to leave their kids that’s their choice.

Me too! I don't have children and even I think the OP is being so massively unreasonable that if I were the friend, I'd tell her to shove it.

If only you'd picked better friends, ones without babies before you're married.

What time is your wedding that she can't get there in 2 hours?

YABVU I wouldn't have left either of mine for even one night!

This. If she has a two hour journey, I'm sure she won't be late!
What's the start time?

And have you offered to pay for a room for her mum for the two nights so she could then stay both nights and have baby on site?

Whilst our wedding was child free (not really sure why, but it was) it wasn't even a question about bridesmaids' children: they're a package deal and of course they were there. Both in terms of level of friendship and children's relationships with us and the fact we were asking their mums to be absent all day. If you want her there the night before, invite child and dad too.

What’s the point of being annoyed, OP? Your bridesmaid has a baby. She isn’t going to stay the night before. You don’t have to stress about it, just make sure you have plans in place that accommodate things being that way. Her baby has to be her priority. It doesn’t mean she isn’t still the great friend you asked to do this. Just that she now has a critical responsibility she has to try and wrap this around.

Don’t plan to give her any tasks before the ceremony that can’t easily be handed off to someone else. Don’t plan some hugely time consuming hair and makeup requirement for the bridesmaids. If you think there’s a chance she won’t get to the ceremony on time then make sure there’s a seat at the end of the row for her to slip into. Ask one of your other bridesmaids (a level headed one with good judgement and low drama) to liaise with her on the day so you don’t have to worry about it. Get on with your morning with the other bridesmaids and just be glad when she turns up and adds to the excitement.

It doesn’t matter if she’s there or not. Obviously it would be nice if she was but it’s not critical. There are going to be lots of other people to celebrate with. The only ones truly critical are you and the groom. Don’t let what should be a day of joy have a negative impact on your friendships.

@Bridely2be If it’s having her there early enough to be ready that’s stressing you out, could she stay the night before the wedding then leave the reception early to get home on the wedding night?

I was Maid of Honour when my baby was 3 weeks old and the wedding was 2 hours away. I realised I’d need a better sleep the night BEFORE the wedding so my mum looked after DS then, and DH and I left the wedding about 9pm to get home by 11pm. My friend (who was a bit of a bridezilla) was actually happy with this arrangement.

2 hours really isn't that far away. She will likely be up very early anyway as she had a 1 year old.
I wouldn't have wanted to leave my dc for 2 nights at that age either.
Maybe consider she can't afford 2 nights in the hotel.
It's not something In would get worked up about.

She's going to be your bridesmaid ,you are not her keeper. Get a grip!

👆this

Surely if she's a good enough friend that you asked her to be bridesmaid, you can also be a good enough friend to understand she has limitations with having a baby. She is willing to travel "far away" on the day to then have a long, exhausting day as your bridesmaid while having a baby to care for. Can I hazard a guess you don't have children?

I’m going to hold your hand while I say this, believe it or not NOONE and I mean NOONE gives a shiny sh*t about you getting married or your wedding. Everyone else is just there for a party. Bridesmaids have no “duties” unless they are doing your hair or makeup. There is no reason for her to be there the night before. Make sure she is one of the last for her hair and makeup giving her plenty of time to get to you. I feel like your one of these people who are getting married for social media and outsiders views. As long as you, the groom and whoever is marrying you turns up nothing else matters. YABVU !

I’d refuse to be your bridesmaid if I read this!
#bridezilla

Bridesmaids have no “duties” unless they are doing your hair or makeup

I'm glad you said this. I have always wondered what bridesmad "duties" are. My sister was my bridesmaid and walked down the aisle behind me and held my flowers during the ceremony. She even used up all the hot water so that my bath was lukewarm

Wasn't there a thread a week or so ago from a bridesmaid who refused to go the night before the wedding as she wasn't prepared to leave her baby two nights running as she breast feeds . She was going to go and meet her husband and baby in their car in a car park so she could feed the baby on the day of the wedding !

I can't imagine having a friend I cared enough about to ask her to be my bridesmaid but not enough to let her bring her breastfed baby to my wedding.

Once again a post showing that weddings have become this massive event where the bride becomes the Queen of All Everything and everyone else must bow to her wishes for elaborate abroad hen dos, rehearsals, wedding weekends etc.

Other people have their own lives. It doesn’t make them a ‘bad friend’.

I've had a very quick skim through the comments, so apologies if everyone has already noted this. But wasn't there a bridesmaid on here only last week or so, with exactly this scenario?

"Not just being bridezilla" There's no two ways about this one -

1. You are a horrible, selfish bridezilla, who doesn't value your friend's life or time
2. You understand that she doesn't want to be away from her baby for 2 nights and are happy to accommodate that very reasonable request.

To be honest, unless you've been very lazy and disorganised, most of the bridesmaids bits can be done weeks before the wedding. Provided you have an amenable groom and a few other friends, best man etc, to do anything like setting up the venue, most of the fun stuff and choices you might want the bridesmaid to help with will be done by then.

Luckily my sister let me off in MOH duties when I had a three week old, she just wanted me to be there. More important things in life to stress about, especially if you have other bridesmaids to deal with things. But guessing you spent a lot of money on the wedding and everyone needs to work around you.

If you want her there let the husband and baby come to.