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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SS visited today

467 replies

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 20:07

I recently had a HV come round. She appeared a little rigid and looked like she was attending a wedding but she seemed chatty and reflected back lots of positive things she was seeing. Today I had a SW unexpectantly visit and after she read out everything that the HV had raised, to say I was shocked is an understatement. Both my DH were there and the HV literally fabricated and misrepresented things she saw. The SW was lovely and stated she had no concerns and let me know I could make a complaint (I have).

So WTF! I'm still in shock. The HV asked me at the time whether I wanted another visit and I said no, and then SS turn up!

OP posts:
Jjiillkkf · 20/08/2024 22:02

Inlaw · 20/08/2024 21:09

imagine you had a lego set for London bridge, this hv built the taj Mahal and the solar system.

🤣

Well my imagination is unbound now.

🤣🤣🤣

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:03

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 21:58

i admit i don't normally read an entire post.. i read the OP's post and then a few comments and then i make my own.. however on this occasion, i am truely baffled by what i was reading i read it all and i am still no wiser?

for clarity someone dressed for a wedding came to your house and saw your DD behave like a cat and you had a cage for your dog and there was a kettle and some knives?

then someone else came, saw none of this, slagged off the first person and then left?

and they may or may not live in wales?

Pretty much this, then throw in some sassy attitude for anyone who doesn't immediately weigh in on OP's side.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2024 22:03

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 21:16

The SW was pretty good tbh and although she couldnt pull up the HV actions as rubbish (not very professional) she commented that what had been written down was not evidenced in person.onviouslt shell have to do the lateral checks but she stated shell do this asap and then I can have a copy. She reiterated during the visit that she had no concerns and reminded me that I could make a complaint (which I already have).

Then the system has fortunately worked well for you, mostly, if the SW is on your side.

I work(ed - maternity leave and not actually UK originally, I’m on one of those workers’ visas but it has been several years now, although I grew up here in my primary years (as this seems to be a sensitive subject here, and tbf in my other EU country too very much so too : yes, taxes were paid🌼)) in a close field, and while I do agree with PPs comments mostly regarding their unfortunate experiences (and the same or beyond could be said in my two other different continents’ nationalities I’ve also worked in), I do agree at some point with PP who pointed out that it is very hard to advise with such little details - and, there is usually a way to post without identifying yourself (or these forums wouldn’t exist, except if we all wished to be ‘influencers’ of sorts ?) although that naturally will depend on your circumstances.

HV don’t always have ‘enough’ training, same for SW (personally I’d very happily further it if it didn’t cost a few tens of thousands as I’d have to do it self-funded, which while I would entry wise qualify for - what becomes of my LO if I add that debt - I just try my best… same for any field though really I’d say, although (the lack of) childhood funding in all of the countries I have worked has frustrated me in many different ways).

All this to say, if what you say regarding your husband is true, then I would reiterate the advice I usually give : get a full data request (which is a huge + in the UK), try either a free lawyer consult or relevant charity advise consult, and then just keep that info in your personal files (or go further with it, that is anyone’s choice, but many people can’t afford to actually do so nor wish to end up in the news sadly), that ‘knowledge is power’ saying basically.

Overall though, as there seems to be so many of these threads recently ( I usually just read while sleep deprived), part of the system is the only way you can actually reach those children who would otherwise be completely unknown (as I’m still in the same field, I’m obviously biased and think it is worth it - and second the advice above for data access requests for others who have had unfortunate experiences).

ETA : seem to have been quite a few posts since I typed !

Ungathered · 20/08/2024 22:04

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 21:46

I disagree. Judicious decision making is vital, especially in safeguarding .the referral has literally made me less willing to trust HV in the future. Her actions have caused harm today.

But it sounds like the HV was correct, and there are concerns as your DD may need a diagnosis and isn't neurotypical?

creepywoman · 20/08/2024 22:04

I don’t understand what you mean by she was dressed for a wedding? So she had extremely nice hair? Nice makeup on? A dress fit for a ball and heels on? A hat? What was she actually wearing?

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:04

I've given a few examples but I will not list all the bogus ‘comcerns’ she raised.

OP posts:
quickturtle · 20/08/2024 22:05

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:01

I honestly feel the HV couldn't relate to me or our situation very well. I think its important the way she dresses as it demonstrates lack of insight into the importance of ensuring she is doing everything she can to make people feel comfortable. Instead she sat perched on our couch looking lovely bit out of place given what she was supposedly meant to be doing. And, she didn't even do that very well! The concerns she had were dismissed by the SW. So literally the HV didn't analyse the situation at all!

What's the way she's dressed got to do with the dog cage/litter box?

Appledoughnut · 20/08/2024 22:05

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:01

I honestly feel the HV couldn't relate to me or our situation very well. I think its important the way she dresses as it demonstrates lack of insight into the importance of ensuring she is doing everything she can to make people feel comfortable. Instead she sat perched on our couch looking lovely bit out of place given what she was supposedly meant to be doing. And, she didn't even do that very well! The concerns she had were dismissed by the SW. So literally the HV didn't analyse the situation at all!

HV's usually wear a uniform.

rainbowunicorn · 20/08/2024 22:06

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 20/08/2024 21:32

Are you outside the UK? You say she just turned 4 wouldnt she be going into Reception not pre-school

I would assume that the OP is using the term Pre school as in before school. Check done in the weeks before child starts school as opposed to preschool the place.

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:07

Honestly, at this point I'm assuming the HV was dressed as a bride going by the OP's posts.

WhompingWillows · 20/08/2024 22:08

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 21:58

i admit i don't normally read an entire post.. i read the OP's post and then a few comments and then i make my own.. however on this occasion, i am truely baffled by what i was reading i read it all and i am still no wiser?

for clarity someone dressed for a wedding came to your house and saw your DD behave like a cat and you had a cage for your dog and there was a kettle and some knives?

then someone else came, saw none of this, slagged off the first person and then left?

and they may or may not live in wales?

I’ve had a horribly stressful day but your response made my howl laughing. It’s like something my mum (with dementia) would say, but only a million times funnier. (I have actually just woken my eight-year-old up by laughing so much. Thank you! Not for waking up the eight-year-old who has ADHD and sleeps like she is on a washing line. But because I really needed to laugh. Instead of crying.)

LeekPeachPlum · 20/08/2024 22:08

Ghosttofu99 · 20/08/2024 21:45

So in England you have to go to a family hub for your 12 month and 2 year checks etc (where I live anyway) but in Wales it is all home visits and you have an extra one at 3 1/2. Is that right?

Pre school checks have been recently introduced in England too (at least in my area)

Ungathered · 20/08/2024 22:08

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:07

Honestly, at this point I'm assuming the HV was dressed as a bride going by the OP's posts.

😂

ThinWomansBrain · 20/08/2024 22:08

why are people being so arsey about 'needing' to know the detail of what the report said & giving the OP such a hard time?
The OP and SW agree that the HW report was incorrect/untrue - perfectly reasonable to have an opinion or advice on that without having the full report verbatim.

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:09

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:07

Honestly, at this point I'm assuming the HV was dressed as a bride going by the OP's posts.

ive already made my assumptions but if i write what i think i'll likely get banned so best keep my mouth shut..

the fact she 'perched' on the sofa implies the HV was not comfortable in your home.. dogs are mentioned, i guess the sofa wasn't a clean as one would hope to sit on when wearing a wedding dress

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:11

Did she throw a bouquet of flowers over her head as she left, OP? The posh bitch.

Nadeed · 20/08/2024 22:12

I agree with you OP about the way the HV is dressed.

I too would raise concerns at a dad co sleeping with his 4 year old DD while the mum sleeps in a separate bed.

surreygirl1987 · 20/08/2024 22:12

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 21:18

Just turned 4.

My 4 year old pretends to be a cat. His nursery teacher says it's totally normal.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2024 22:13

PinkyFlamingo · 20/08/2024 21:02

Well in that case your post is pointless as it's impossible to say if you're being unreasonable or not

If you were as evasive with the HV as you are with your posts and replies to questions on here perhaps that was a concern,

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 20/08/2024 22:14

Well my 7 yr old DD is often scurrying around on all fours pretending to be a dog. I'm glad to say that she stopped sniffing our dogs' bums some time ago and seems to be gradually becoming human again (we have wondered about autism tbh and her twin brother is awaiting assessment.) Anyway, It's very unnerving when people in authority are incompetent or make incorrect judgements as the consequences can be significant, incredibly stressful. We had a horrible encounter with the police a couple of years ago and it's completely eroded our trust in them. We made a formal complaint which didnt go anywhere but I'd say make one regardless.

x2boys · 20/08/2024 22:15

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 20:55

Yeah, I'm not going to detail the crap this HV reported.

Well than what is the point of this post?

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:16

ThinWomansBrain · 20/08/2024 22:08

why are people being so arsey about 'needing' to know the detail of what the report said & giving the OP such a hard time?
The OP and SW agree that the HW report was incorrect/untrue - perfectly reasonable to have an opinion or advice on that without having the full report verbatim.

Thank-you! Yes! I don't
Need the baseless accusations to be scrutinized for merit, because there was none (as identified by the SW today). But I'm left picking up the pieces.

OP posts:
IrisPallida · 20/08/2024 22:18

Nadeed · 20/08/2024 22:12

I agree with you OP about the way the HV is dressed.

I too would raise concerns at a dad co sleeping with his 4 year old DD while the mum sleeps in a separate bed.

What do you mean you agree? OP hasn't said what she was wearing or what OP would consider as 'comfortable' clothing. So what are you agreeing with?

That HVs should wear trackie bottoms and t shirts covered in shiny metallic stars rather than a skirt & jacket?

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:18

@Viviennemary i definately wasn't evasive with her! Answered everything she asked.

OP posts:
staceyflack · 20/08/2024 22:19

🤣.... this made me chuckle. I used to throw sticks for my youngest in the park, she fkg loved it. She's 16 now, and not a doggy anymore. 😁