To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

[powerwashingqueen]

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

Because he has shown himself disorganised wrt finances.
So may well not leave a will.
And I would rather see my estate go to a next generation of loved nieces and nephews than the state or a new wife with fat pension to see him out.

I wouldn’t leave him homeless: I would leave him a life interest in the house, and probably my pension to live on.

' we ' bought the house

oh dear i hope you have protected yourself very well...

His legal retirement age is at least 67.
he is younger than me, and mine is 67.

You are funding a man 15 years older than you? Men wouid only do this for someone 20 years younger and very attractive. I'd feel shafted

Have you asked him what he intends to retire on at 62? Because I think it’s you!

you are working really hard and paying the lions share of the bills etc (which is fair if doing proportional payments) but the fact he works part time yet isn’t doing more of the housework etc and you are still doing 50% suggests he’s a piss taker.

at least you’ve found out. I would think very carefully about continuing the relationship, and if you do, you are doing so knowing you will need to fund him for life from your pension.

if it was me I’d leave.

YNBU

My late husband was 20 yrs my senior. He wasn't a spendthrift, he did have a works pension. Unfortunately, he changed jobs a few times - was originally in blue collar work before going back into education and becoming a teacher. (He had left school at 15. Not his choice.)

His teaching pension was not good. His combined pension - work and state together - came to about 18k a year latterly.

[ETA He'd intended to start a business, but became ill. He'd sunk his lump sum into stock... so lost that.]

I had a good wage, since I got promoted to middle management. However, I ended up having to cut my hours and then quit completely a couple of years before the normal retirement age for my pension, because of my husband's ill health. This had quite an impact on my pension.

I'm not starving by any means, and my works pension has gone up a bit. However, the percentage that I inherited from my husband is about 4k a year, so I'm worried about unexpected bills, etc. I'll add that my husband did have an asset which he left to me, but I think he overestimated how much of a safety net that was. He also had an insurance policy which covered the funeral.

He had also taken out an AVU with Prudential to add to his pension in order to protect me. What he didn't realise was that this small additional pension died with him.

In my husband's case, the horrible irony is that he became financially better off after he became entitled to Attendance Allowance.

My husband tried to make provision for me. As I said, I'm by no means starving so I can't complain...but your partner should be making some provision.

I'm sharing my experience because I have some understanding of the situation that you're in. At the very least, your partner needs to take out some form of life insurance in your favour.

Honestly OP, he has been living off you for years and you have unbelievably somehow not known.

If he was to inherit a full amount you wouldn't be entitled to a penny, and my money is on the fact you wouldn't see a penny of it either.

What is so sad is that you seem so oblivious to just how far ahead of you he is in all of this.
You seem so utterly disconnected to the clear and obvious reality that you hsve been taken as a compland and utter mug for years by an lazy aul fellow.
He's been happily living like a half pensioner for years and full-time retirement beckons, courtesy of his ditsy nurse with a purse.
Forget about him and do the very serious math of just what your retirement will look like keeping lazy boy.
It may be a real shocker.
You deserve so much better.

He is a lower earner but I personally don't think that a dealbreaker so long as you're both on the same page with where you want to be financially and are both making decisions together that better you both as a unit.

However, his actions have shown you that he has only been taking about himself in all of this, relying on you to prop him up. This selfishness is what would make me question the relationship regardless of how much he earns.

if you want to leave, then leave and trade him in for a younger and more financially sound model. you don't need people here to give you permission to do it. men trade for younger models the time.

you've had 15 years of being with someone, i don't know what the overall tally is between you in terms of points. maybe he's incredibly attractive and you're not, maybe he's fun and spontaneous and you're dull and boring. maybe you'd have spent the last 15 years deeply unhappy in another situation and he's served his purpose. nobody here knows either of you at all, just some numbers. the only thing i know about you really is that it's taken you 15 years to ask what your partners plans are for finances are, that was also your choice to leave the 'planning' until later on. perhaps you were enjoying yourself too much to care about any of this.

seeing as the numbers are no good for you, just move on and come to an arrangement with someone else that suits you.

Do you have a joint mortgage and will it be paid off by the time he retires? How much will your joint expenses be and will he have enough to contribute an amount you are comfortable with? He still has time to contribute to a pension pot. If he is unwilling to make sensible financial decisions going forward and save as much as possible I would that mean you want to end the relationship?

Have you both made wills? My mother's partner (typically) died intestate and caused an absolute mess with his various offspring.

And if he hasn't yet, do not let him do a cheap DIY job - go to an expert. You may have to pay for that peace of mind.

There is the possibility that he will have a share of his parents' house in due course. Possibility only. Don't let him live on great expectations. My uncle left his London house to an animal sanctuary...

That government gateway thing ... He's stalling. It's instant. Stand over him as he looks it up. Shouldn't have to, yet here we are.

He can still start a personal pension, or at least take a responsible step of starting a savings account.

Whatever you choose to do next must be informed by the knowledge of what he's done. Only you can know if it was malicious, deceitful, secretive - or just head in the clouds day dreaming. And only you know how you feel about either.

Taking everything else into account - is he kind, strong, gentle, soul mate, fun, supportive etc etc? Or are there a lot of cracks and sadness elsewhere in the relationship? Add that to the mix and ask yourself:

Is this what I want?

Really hope you’re ok, OP. A nasty shock.

Don’t act too quickly in the next few weeks. Find out what state pension he’s entitled to (look over his shoulder for yourself at Government Gateway). Tell him he must work to 67; you cannot and will not bridge that gap.

Then in the weeks and months ahead you should speak to trusted loved ones, and think long term about your future. You’re still so young; you could have a fresh start.

"Maybe"? Well yes, unless they've actually said they're leaving it all to the cats' home or the value's all gone on an equity release scheme or something, that would be a very normal thing for him to expect. But don't you know what he expects? And how is it possible to be with someone 15 years without knowing they don't have a pension? There's something very strange and unhealthy in this relationship.

Hi @powerwashingqueen whether you choose to come back with an update or not I hope you have or are coming to some sort of decision!

You may decide to stay with him but it’s not too late to move on as well if you decide that’s the best thing to do.

You were in your 30s until quite recently so I think it’s understandable you weren’t that savvy about asking him what his pension plans are until now. Considering he’s so much older than you I guess you just assumed that like you, he had it under control. IMO it’s more bizarre that him being in his 50s didn’t discuss it though.

but just don’t leave it another several years before you’re clear on his plans.

Impacts of age difference amplify as we grow old, so there needs to be a really strong bond between you. For example, there will likely be many years where you are still working and he is "retired" - how will that feel? And when you also finally retire and have time (and hopefully funds) to do the things you really enjoy, he may have health issues that physically restrict what you can do, such as travel. The difference in physical ability at 65 and 80 is huge.

How does it sound like he expects you to keep working and pay for everything?

becuae that’s what he told her? I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

How else will he cover the gap between retiring very early and his state pension not kicking in until 67?

Oh OP I hope you dump his sorry ass and both his parents live to 100.

Thanks everyone. I've been reading messages, but not really wanting to reply while my head is still all over the place. It's hard not to take to heart some of the harsher replies, when I'm already kicking myself for being so stupid.

As a lot of you suspected, he doesn't have enough NI contributions.

We've talked about it and talked about it and he knows I'm reeling. He's said he's going to go back to full time work, and that the proportion of payments will reflect that. It will mean it's more like 60% of mortgage and bills covered by me, 40% by him, and the money he currently spends on a hobby and some subscriptions will stop and go into some kind of savings/scheme. He's getting some advice on this. He also recognises that he was just wrong to think he could retire at 62, so it's not even a consideration anymore.

I think this shows willing and takes some pressure off me. But I've said that, unless I see a big change in the next few months (Christmas was my marker), that I'm leaving.

Well done OP. This sounds like there is some hope.

Well done OP.
Please remember that his go to was to live off and retire off you.
This about turn is no doubt a reaction to you being understandably appalled.
At least it is out in the open now.
You too should speak to someone because whatever he tries to do now, it will be very hard fof him to financially recover from years of living like there is no tomorrow.
My husband is on the brink of retirement from a very well paid job and it is still eye opening to realise how much is required to have a comfortable, not lavish retirement.

Well done OP.

It’s not unreasonable to have assumed that a sensible adult will have made provision for himself, just as you have.

So what makes him think he can work full time when he couldn't before ?
Will this full time work be with his current employer
or is he going job hunting for a full tie job ?

How much does he need to pay to get the NI contributions up to date i.e. how many years is he short ?

was there a time when he didn't work ? to be so short on his NI contributions.

and I guess he is now going to ' opt in ' to his employers pension ? as 12 or so years will help !

how soon can he make it 50/50 for his contributions to the household ?

It was obvious he was stalling with the Government Gateway login bullshit.

Ah… those health issues that meant he couldn’t possibly work full time, suddenly not so bad after all?

He’s still going to have it cushy with you, he’s only going to be paying 40% of the mortgage, after paying less than that for all these years.

Personally I’d insist he pays 50% of the mortgage, and then 40% of the bills if that’s what you’ve decided is proportional.

Just remember OP, the only reason he’s pulled his finger out of his arse (although that is yet to be seen) is because you caught him out.

Always keep in mind that his ultimate goal was to live off you and your hard work.