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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

230 replies

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:04

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 21/08/2024 09:32

I said it initially and your updates haven’t changed my opinon.

you are being lined up as a nurse with a purse.

he is already working PT due to health you’ll be expected to funds him and care for him and then when he shuffles off his mortal coil you’ll be up the creek with no paddle having spent your nest egg on him.

I am a not dissimilar age albeit with 2 babies in tow… if my DH started on with type of thing he’d be out the door.

I would be looking to extract yourself from this situation asap.

Paisleyb · 21/08/2024 14:27

OP,
You need to have a good hard look at the decisions you have made because I think you are absolutely being used here.

I have a friend who did retirement planning until she retired herself and she said it was completely gobsmacking how totally unprepared for the financial reality so many were.
A real attitude of that inheritance/luck/the government or someone will somehow magic up and cover it.

Drastically reduced income often with a house to maintain.....if they are lucky, but often the absolute bare minimum in pension terms and are genuinely stunned at how their income will drop in a few years time. Catch up is very difficult in your 50's.

YOU are not making good plans for your retirement by having this man living off you.
Have you given any thought to just how restricted your life and retirement will be saddled with a user who has been living off you for years and now expects you to be his nurse with a purse?

That house would be getting valued yesterday if I were you.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/08/2024 14:55

I think this changes everything.

If I discovered that my DP was planning to have me fund him in retirement but had never actually told me that, let alone asked if I was ok with that, then I would want to separate our finances completely and live separately.

Otherwise, it's full speed ahead into a disastrous financial future.

DeeLight00 · 21/08/2024 16:21

OP, has he got kids from any previous relationships? Do you both have Wills?

Original poster
powerwashingqueen · 21/08/2024 16:46

Thank you everyone. Only a small update today- his work pension pot (from when he first started working in his 20s) is worth just over 2k a year. He doesn't have anything else. He's requested the government gateway log in details, so still waiting for that.

Neither of us have children. We do have wills. We're joint tenants, and the wills state each other as beneficiary for the house whoever goes first.

I'm feeling uncomfortable and upset, to be honest. I've told him that it feels like he's taking advantage of my job and general work ethic.

It's like a light has been switched on. We can only afford to live as we do, because I work my arse off, have taken promotions and extra responsibility with all the stress that involves, for the pay rises. But actually, all that is put back into 'us', while he's happy to float along and enjoy a much better standard of living than he was when he lived alone. My choices were made out of love and care for him and wanting the best for us both... but I haven't really been thinking about what his choices have shown me.

OP posts:
WitchyBits · 21/08/2024 17:26

powerwashingqueen · 21/08/2024 16:46

Thank you everyone. Only a small update today- his work pension pot (from when he first started working in his 20s) is worth just over 2k a year. He doesn't have anything else. He's requested the government gateway log in details, so still waiting for that.

Neither of us have children. We do have wills. We're joint tenants, and the wills state each other as beneficiary for the house whoever goes first.

I'm feeling uncomfortable and upset, to be honest. I've told him that it feels like he's taking advantage of my job and general work ethic.

It's like a light has been switched on. We can only afford to live as we do, because I work my arse off, have taken promotions and extra responsibility with all the stress that involves, for the pay rises. But actually, all that is put back into 'us', while he's happy to float along and enjoy a much better standard of living than he was when he lived alone. My choices were made out of love and care for him and wanting the best for us both... but I haven't really been thinking about what his choices have shown me.

Government gateway is done by email and pretty instant? I literally just created one and logged in to check for my DHs star pension out of Christ street reading thus earlier.

If he's been working part time/said employed then don't be shocked if he has zero/very little entitlement to state pension.

SauviGone · 21/08/2024 17:28

He's requested the government gateway log in details, so still waiting for that.

Were you there looking over his shoulder when he requested them, because they literally come through instantly.

Bestyearever2024 · 21/08/2024 17:39

while he's happy to float along and enjoy a much better standard of living than he was when he lived alone

Now you know this, you can take action to protect your future and current finances

Oblomov24 · 21/08/2024 18:02

I wondering what sort of person you are that would be with someone for 15 years before asking any of these basic questions. I'm sorry but are you always so passive? This isn't normal behaviour. Do you lack self esteem? You are acting all surprised and say you've been deceived. But no normal person would've allowed themselves to be. What do you intend to do now?

OrwellianTimes · 21/08/2024 18:05

“it's around 70% me, 30% him”

Sounds like he plans to continue things this way, with you being 10 years younger you’ll be able to do his toenail cutting for him and wipe his butt as he ages.

I’d run a mile.

Makingchocolatecake · 21/08/2024 18:10

I think it's a bit weird that you've only just found this out after 15y

Acheyba · 21/08/2024 18:39

My choices were made out of love and care for him and wanting the best for us both... but I haven't really been thinking about what his choices have shown me

You have summed it up very well. You obviously went into this relationship with the best of intentions and have done your best to be the supportive and caring partner, and maybe he even started off with good intentions too, but somewhere along the way he’s come to take you for granted and feels so entitled to your continued support he hasn’t even thought to mention you are least one of his pension plans.

It’s good you’ve had this wake up call though as it’s not too late to change the way things are.

how did he respond when you told him you felt he was taking advantage of your work ethic?

Agree with the pp re. government gateway details. I’m forever forgetting them so when I do my self assessment I need to request them and it either comes through instantly or within a few minutes. It definitely wasn’t a long process. He should definitely be able to update you today.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2024 18:45

@powerwashingqueen

My choices were made out of love and care for him and wanting the best for us both... but I haven't really been thinking about what his choices have shown me.

So now it sounds as if you do need to think about that. And the impact those choices will have on your future. Are you content to work past the age you could retire because you have to subsidize him?

DH and I are both retired in our mid-50s on pretty much equal pensions. He was 'age eligible' to retire about a year before I was. If his pension/retirement investments at that point weren't enough to keep up our 'standard of living' and he'd retired anyway then said to me "Well, you'll just have to keep working" I would have blown a gasket. And such selfishness would have been a dealbreaker.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 21/08/2024 18:47

He sounds like a complete piss taker to me…

hattie43 · 21/08/2024 20:24

No I'm sorry , it wouldn't do for me . If he will only get 2k a year and a state pension in his late 60's every single thing will end up with you paying, holidays , hobbies , meals out etc etc .

SensibleSigma · 21/08/2024 20:34

Also, I hate to be pessimistic, but…

Should he inherit from his parents, he could choose to swan off with his money. Or to insist it’s ’his Inheritance’ and he wants to spend it on flying lessons, a boat, or other random things that don’t interest you.

Arconialiving · 21/08/2024 20:47

TemuSpecialBuy · 20/08/2024 18:07

You are a prime "nurse with a purse" candidate and are already being trained to subsidise him,.

The age gap plus lack of financial planning would have me running for the hills.

As is often the case, the first post nails it! Sorry Op!

RawBloomers · 21/08/2024 20:57

SensibleSigma · 21/08/2024 20:34

Also, I hate to be pessimistic, but…

Should he inherit from his parents, he could choose to swan off with his money. Or to insist it’s ’his Inheritance’ and he wants to spend it on flying lessons, a boat, or other random things that don’t interest you.

This is true, but the pension "they" currently have is all OP's, so she can also just swan off and spend that on what she wants. From a financial perspective, OP is far more secure than her partner as the house is joint and the rest of everything they definitely have is all hers.

SortingItOut · 21/08/2024 20:59

I had a partner who 'joked' that men need either a nurse or a purse when they get older.
He told me as I didn't have a purse I would be his nurse. I told him I would be no one's carer which he was annoyed about.

He was 2 years younger than me and in good health.

His Dad had married a younger woman who would nurse him in later life.

We later split over other issues including him wanting to live with me but I already had concerns about old age as he was self employed and had no pension.

He is now with a woman 9 years younger...definite nurse

Playonplayoff · 21/08/2024 20:59

I had my head in the sand about pensions until I hit my early mid forties, had too much else to think on - childcare, housing, career etc. however I at least knew my DH was contributing the max to his workplace pension, and he knew I was too. Pensions were always bottom of the list for consideration, it's only been in the last few years that I've got more of a handle, plus the thought of working until late 60s sounds hard.

At least you're talking now, hopefully you'll get full transparency and be able to have an open & productive discussion about your expectations for the future.

SensibleSigma · 21/08/2024 21:02

RawBloomers · 21/08/2024 20:57

This is true, but the pension "they" currently have is all OP's, so she can also just swan off and spend that on what she wants. From a financial perspective, OP is far more secure than her partner as the house is joint and the rest of everything they definitely have is all hers.

Show quote history

Right, but I would feel beyond gutted that I’d supported a man for years then when he came into money he waltzed off.

OP knows she’s looking out for them both. She doesn’t know whether he’s only in it while he waits for an inheritance.

RawBloomers · 21/08/2024 21:57

SensibleSigma · 21/08/2024 21:02

Right, but I would feel beyond gutted that I’d supported a man for years then when he came into money he waltzed off.

OP knows she’s looking out for them both. She doesn’t know whether he’s only in it while he waits for an inheritance.

Show quote history

This would be the case if he had a pension too. It's how things work when you aren't married.

SuckPoppet · 21/08/2024 22:07

To be honest OP, I wouldn’t be happy to support him to the extent that you have such a reduced equal amount of personal money.

Are you happy with owning your house as joint tenants? Do you have nieces or nephews or younger siblings you would like to leave your estate to? I appreciate that he is significantly older, but in case natural causes are cheated I would want to leave my share of assets directly to my relatives.

StevieCandlewick · 21/08/2024 22:17

but in case natural causes are cheated I would want to leave my share of assets directly to my relatives

Why wouldn't OP want to leave her share of their home and her other assets to her partner? They've been together 15 years - he's not a casual hook up.

Honestly, OP - don't let this lot wind you up. He's not done anything worse than be a bit daft. He's got time to put this right. Talk to him rather than radoms on the Internet and find a way forward.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/08/2024 23:07

OP it's ok to walk away if that's what you want. You are seeing him through fresh eyes. He has been selfish. He is not showing anywhere near the level of thought and care that you expect from him. If he really cannot work full time due to health then he is unlikely to be able to put much into a pension now.

You have worked hard and planned for your retirement. He has messed all that up for you. All I can say is it's a good job you're not married as he would get half of your pension in a divorce.