To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

I'm 45 and my DH is 62. We have 3 grand kids that are 10 months, 2 and 3. My daughter expects us to care for them for 2-6 hours Atleast one a week but honestly it's exhausting. I'm not old by a very long shot but I've barely finished raising 4 kids of my own and I'm in no way used to caring for small kids. I adore them but every second we both are in charge of them is fraught with worry and stress and panic. I don't WANT to be responsible for such small kids safety, and after a few hours juggling them the rest of the day is written off as we have nothing left to give anything or anybody. Even with two adults it is brutal and while I love them dearly they are not my children and I kind of resent that I've got to do this or be labelled a bad grandparent and parent. I'm neither. We have paid for the entire family to go on holiday with us as we love spending time with them AS A FAMILY. We will contribute towards redecorating bedrooms etc and big ticket items. But I have zero desire to play childminder to 3 incredibly active kids that need eagle eyed supervision. My poor DH is knackered from 50-60 hour days and I'm far from being in the best of health myself.

Why on earth would you want your child to be cared for by somebody that is clearly struggling and is even possibly resentful of being forced to do it?

Two hours isn't a lot but she doesn't want to do it, so find an alternative asap.
But she doesn't get to then moan that MIL has a closer relationship, gets more time, is favoured etc
Favours are freely given - as soon as resentment sets in, there's no point - that does of course, work both ways e.g. providing lunch several times a week.
But yes, childminder pronto.

Are you a 75 year old who looks after a 1 year old? If not, then get back to us with your thoughts if/when you're in that position. You might have a whole new, interesting perspective on it.

2 hours might not be much but she’s 75 and toddlers are hard work. She’s clearly not managing alone but obviously wants to spend time with your DD. Definitely find a nursery.

Yep. And OPs mother is trying. But she's 75, and you might think 2 hours isn't much, you might change your mind at 75, and hopefully your kids will have the grace to accept that it's too much.

You are been reasonable. Very reasonable.

At the same time. This isn’t going to change, so I would arrange nursery.

🙄

I'm about to be 70 and could easily do two-hours with a one year-old, but that's me, everyone is different.

My 74 year-old friend does regular all-day childcare for a three year-old, one/two days a week, and has done since birth and loves it.

Your mum obviously finds it too much and has made that known, so yes you are being unreasonable.

For whatever reason it isn't working and trying to force it will only result in resentment on both sides.

I would venture to guess that work takes a lot out of you at 75. She's old. Whether she likes to admit it, or whether you want to face it, or not, really doesn't change that. She's likely using all her energy on work and finding looking after a child too much on top of that. It could also be that a rigid two hours a week is too much of a burden psychologically and whilst she wants to do it in reality she clearly can't or doesn't want to deal with it weekly.

Maybe a monthly babysitting afternoon or possibly an evening so you can go out, or just have some child-free time to relax, would be better.

Yes was thinking this. She’s not going to like the other MIL doing it. How old is the other grandma?

It's a massive favour from your mother to give 2hrs every week. You also have help from MIL. Some people don't have any of this. You come across quite entitled. It sounds like she can't cope any more and quite frankly at 75 it's a lot to ask/ take up her offer. You should arrange alternative childcare and be grateful for the help she has given to date. Easy one this.

Great, so why don’t you ask your father ? Or your husband or your brother in law? there’s three other options for you and yet you seem a bit obsessed by your mother .

As others have said, definitely time to get your DC into nursery.

Your mum is being unreasonable in the way she’s communicating with you though.

It doesn’t matter why she can’t cope. I don’t think the emphasis on age is helpful. The fact is she can’t. She was doing OP a favour - “expect” and “only grandchild” suggest a degree of entitlement.

Ask her what arrangements to see (not care for) her GC would work for her.

Just a quick caveat: Of course some 75 year olds will be very sprightly and some would be perfectly able to do it, but it's still old. The important thing here is that it's too much for your mum.

So agree. I'm 75 and running round after little ones is no longer on my radar much as I'd love to have the energy to do so.

My parents were able to look after my kids for most of the day between the ages of 1-3.5 and my Mum was 72 and my Dad 79 when my youngest was one. My MIL was unable to look after my one year old daughter for 20 mins when she was 64. Everyone is different. At the slightest hint that my parents were finding it too much I would’ve arranged alternative childcare.

YABU. My mum has my daughter once a week and she’s 61 and dad 59, I couldn’t imagine expecting my parents to look after her at 75! It’s exhausting for my parents but they’re younger and there’s two of them to look after her.

Book her into nursery.

Both my father and my DH work full-time. My brother lives 5 hours away.

The MIL is 73! She comes down on the train and does 2-3 hours.

My mother insists on helping out, which I appreciate. I’ve told her I will happily send my daughter to nursery one morning a week. She insists she is ok to look after her.

I am not expecting or demanding help. She offers. But then is resentful.

A lot of these posts chiding me are from older people. Haven’t you learned that the world is not black and white?!

Does dad come for lunch too?

This.

Or maybe op's dm thought saying she'd have lunch by herself was a punishment or something, even though op quite sensibly felt dm wouldn't want to join her as she'd had enough by that point.

I was thinking that 😂😂

My dads 74 had cancer and goes the gym everyday - sometimes twice a day!

It's not old.

But it certainly not the ideal age to have a 1yo to look after!

Is your mum lonely? You mention having lunch together most days, so it seems like she is on her own. If she is feeling lonely and possibly depressed, she is likely to see things negatively. Is this the cause of her moaning? Or is she actually finding sole charge too much? As we all know, looking after a non verbal child can be very lonely. I would ask if the 'outside help' could do an extra morning, but before confirming it, have an honest talk with your mum to clear the air and only change the status quo if she would like to stop her morning with the grandchild.

My mother died before I had my children, but my sister said my mum used to moan about looking after the grandchildren and I think part of that was finding it lonely.

There are 75 years olds....and there are 75 year olds....

she has told you that she finds it difficult, so it is time to make alternative arrangements. she can't complain about that seeing as she has told you that she is tired and can't cope with it