To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

It is not unreasonable to ask (NOT expect!) your Mum to help out for a couple of hours, provided she feels up to it. She is getting tetchy because she is telling you it is too much for her and you are not listening!

75 year olds vary in the their health (both mental and physical) and their ability to care for lively children. It would be lovely if she were able to do this, but she isn't. That is not her fault - it is her age. There may be things going on that she has not discussed with you.

Despite you wanting her to
She clearly can't cope
She's 75 ,she done her bit
Stop linking having lunch with the childcare
Just because she said it was tiring, doesn't mean you should punish her by stopping the lunch together,that was mean of u

My PIL are in their 70s and really struggle at times, I don't use them for regular childcare but they have my DD a few hours every few weeks, they are normally knackered when I pick her up, bless them, I'd say they are reasonably fit, but getting up /down off the floor etc, lifting/carrying, it's more than what they are used to.

I think because she sees her every day she wouldn't miss that time with her alone. Maybe you could have a chat, and rather then being dismissive, ask what parts she finds so hard? and is there any way you can help? You should have done that anyway rather then getting annoyed with her over it and not giving her lunch, an apology is definitely in order.

OP my parents would not have been up to looking after a 1 year old . My MIL is much more sprightly and probably would have been ok at 75. It very much depends on the person . Also as they age people have good and bad days - it maybe that the expectation and the fact that they need to do it even if they don’t feel great is part of the problem .

We have been very involved with caring for DGC now young teens from the start, but now that we are getting older, (I am 75 like your mum) are finding even looking after more self-sufficient DGC is tiring. I can appreciate where your mum is coming from

@Welshlady89 perhaps if you didn't expect it, your mother would feel able to say "Welshlady, darling as much as I.love you and dgd very much, I find that I don't have the physical capacity to cope with dgd for two hours and to be solely responsible for her. I haven't ever disclosed this, but my hips and knees and shoulders ache, sometimes I tremble a bit and the lifting and making drinks is all too much. Please could we rwview this arrangement.

Neither of you are communicating your needs or showing each other appropriate compassion. On the balance of probabilities you are being more unreasonable than your mother.

I'm 64. I have told both DC that I will not be doing regular childcare when the time comes. Emergencies yes, obligations no.

Wow. I can’t believe the vitriol in some of the posts!

I should give some more context. My mother is not retired, has a part-time physical career in the theatre. So she is not some granny with a stick hobbling about. My dad is also around and he is also in his seventies and still runs a company. So they are fit for their age.

I do, however, take your point that I should not expect the help. It is difficult because my mum offers to do this once a week. On one hand she seems to want to do it, on another she seems to resent me for how difficult it is.

I will investigate nursery. Thank you for your comments.

Plenty of people who appear outwardly healthy will struggle to manage a toddler for a couple of hours without being worn out afterwards. As a toddler group leader, I used to worry about one or two of the grandparents who came with their grandchildren.

Put your child in nursery for regular care, and hopefully your DM will still be willing to step in occasionally if your child is ill or something like that. It's one thing exhausting yourself to help out in an emergency, and another doing it every week.

I’d ask your Mum if she’d like you to make alternative arrangements. Then the ball is in her court.

You could ask your dad to do it? Your mum is clearly only offering out of obligation.

She probably feels obliged.

I am a similar age, due a GC in a month or two. I have no idea how easily I would cope with childcare on a regular basis and I will not commit to it. I will however be there like a shot for emergencies, sickness, special occasions, even the odd overnight, but I won't do organised childcare week in week out. I think it is too much to expect from a 75 year old to be honest, and luckily my DD appreciates that and knows it would be too much to expect from me.

Can you use the same outside help for 2 mornings a week?

I think perhaps your mum finds it hard but feels guilty about finding it hard. She probably didn't want to say it directly and was hoping you stop asking her.

If you want to save your relationship and DDs relationship with her then sort out alternative childcare and see her socially.

It's a shame she can't admit its too much for her rather than getting tetchy and angry with you. My MIL had been single and divorced for 20 years when I had my kids, I think she was used to doing exactly what she wanted whenever she wanted. She had got out of the habit of thinking about anyone else, so when we had kids I was really surprised at her ridiculous excuses whenever (rarely) we asked to her to do a few hours childcare. She tied herself in knots explaining why she just had to go shopping/library/wait for an important phone call the exact time we needed help. She felt awful 'letting us down' but we knew she just didn't want to do it.

My MIL was exhausted looking after my SIL's DC on a regular basis, but was too scared to say so, so she ended up doing that for years. She would confide in me that she was tired out.

Maybe her anger is misplaced - she is not cross with you but with your dad?
Does he help? Is he a hands on grandad? Is he interested in your LO? Maybe he doesn't show enough support when she has your LO and she is resentful and sad and takes it out on you?

I dunno - she seems cross/unhappy about something which seems odd if she has agreed to look after LO and 'adores her'.

I would ask her what's really going on.

Give over

Where do you get off telling the OP like that. Rude.

You sound like you might need to calm down

I’m not a nasty daughter. She was going out with friends this afternoon anyway, so it would have been rushed. She also doesn’t like being around when I feed my daughter as she finds it stressful.

My mum is 70 and is VERY reluctant to do even the odd bit of childcare. Great lengths gone to to avoid it. I find it hurtful tbh but you have to suck it up.

I'm 50. My partner and I have 4 adults children between us. None have produced grandchildren yet.

I'll have no problem with babysitting when the time comes and I won't object to being asked to do anything.

But if any of them come along with 'expectations' when I'm 75, they'll be getting pretty short shrift.

My mother is not retired, has a part-time physical career in the theatre

Good for her. She can clearly manage that. Maybe she can't manage both that and looking after a young child.

You are being utterly unreasonable.

You've made this all about you and your expectations and convenience of free childcare.

Your mum is giving a huge ammount to make your life easier.

Listen to her. Have you any idea what it takes out of her to look after a child every day? She's telling you in her every message and interaction with you.

I'm 61 and my right hand fucking hurts every day. Have you any thoughts about what she might be dealing with?

Childcare is hard, your mum is struggling and so you need to find some other arrangement.

I think your mother has been looking for an excuse to end the arrangement. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t be providing lunch several times a week for someone who spoke to me like that.