To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

@Welshlady89 what does she say when you discuss the messages she is sending you

She is telling you it is too much and you are making excuses that it should be something she can manage. She can have a relationship with her grandchild without providing child care.

Why is there no expectation for the grandfather’s to cover a shift so the child doesn’t need to go to nursery at all? The casual sexism that almost always shows up in these situations is very frustrating.

Pay for care and ask grandparents if they are willing to be emergency backups if available.

I am not older, but I don't want to look after any future GC regularly. Emergencies, yes. And there is no way I would ever come down on a train to do it like your MIL. I hope to be doing other more interesting things, maybe even a part time job in the theatre!

@Welshlady89 was she a hands on mum when you were little?

She can insist all she likes that she wants to do it. She probably does. But if it isn't working for you and her it's best to tell her that you've made other arrangements and then plan relaxed times within which to see her instead. You don't have to take her up on the offer.

Do you generally get along well?

She might not be communicating it in a way that you want but she doesn't want to do this - let it go, find a nursery and hold on to the lunches with your Mum . It's exhausting and a worry to look after little ones

My kids are older but my db's kids are that age. My dm is 65 and fit and active and even she finds the toddlers exhausting to look after even for a couple of hours. Your dm is 75, it is clearly too much so just pay for some childcare.

A lot of these posts chiding me are from older people. Haven’t you learned that the world is not black and white?!

Yes thanks

Do you get on well with your Mum... this older person?

2 hours a week is really not a lot. If living one's best life is more important than family then fair enough, but relationships shops don't spring up from thin air. There has to be some give and take with these things.

Yes, we are very close. She was and is a fantastic mother. She was hands-on and present, although I know she struggled at times as she loves her work too and found looking after a young baby quite monotonous.

If you get along well that's brilliant.

Perhaps she's actually finding it really hard to accept that she's not able to be so hands-on anymore.

I'm sure there's a better way of organising things so resentment doesn't build.

I imagine your Mum is finding the responsibility too much. That's what I'm getting from your posts OP.

Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her?

Yes, for whatever reason, this arrangement isn’t working out.

Your mum is giving mixed messages by saying she wants to look after your DD, yet acting as if it's all too much for her. Maybe she's desperate to stop, but feels guilty for letting you down, or is worried that it makes her appear less of a caring granny etc.

Suggest you both put your cards on the table, have a frank conversation, and establish for once and for all if the arrangement should stop. Tell her you notice how stressed she is, and that the care isn't "expected". As others have said, the expectation is not fair. It does sound like it's too much for her.

Wow there’s a lot of projecting happening on this thread.

OP it’s clearly too much for your mum, I would make alternative arrangements. It’s not worth building a load of resentment for the sake of 2 hours a week. I would also think about maybe just doing lunch a couple of times a week too rather than every single day. You could take a picnic round to her house or out to a park or something to mix it up a bit.

I don’t think accepting the offer of help 2 hours a week from your healthy, fit, still working mother is unreasonable or grabby of you at all. You don’t come across as entitled in the slightest, ignore the nasty bitter posters on here. That being said, it’s not working for you all so just knock it on the head and sort something else out. It’s not worth it.

Think the op is getting a hard time here. Sounds more like her mum wants to be a martyr. She wants to do it but she wants to moan about it.

Exactly. And she maintains that family is everything. She encouraged me to move closer to them so that when I did have children, she could help. That was part of the reason we moved here.

Or yes, I was just going to say perhaps physically she can but mentally she finds the responsibility too much. Especially if she's prone to stressing.

People tell you more with their actions than their words - your mum is resentful despite telling you that she wants to take care of your daughter.
Take the decision out of her hands, find alternative care for your daughter on that day and hopefully the resentment will fade away.
The fact she finds you feeding your daughter in her vicinity stressful is slightly bizarre to me but suggests that although you believe it may not be physically challenging for her to care for your daughter, perhaps there are other issues making her struggle.

I have a great relationship with my mum and adore her. She has never provided me with any regular childcare, just one-off emergencies. When the DC were much older, they would occasionally stay over with her, but only when they were self-sufficient and easily managed. I want her to enjoy her old age; she worked very hard all her life.

I really hate when grandmums are forced into childcare on the pretext that otherwise they won't have good relationships with DC. They can have good relationships without providing childcare.

I think your talk about your parents still working is misleading. I expect they are doing office based admin type work - though if your mother is fixing stage lighting tracks, painting scenery or performing as Hamlet three nights a week I apologise - where they are interacting with other civilised polite adults, sitting down when they need to, and taking breaks when they want, not wrangling a non verbal toddler with a surprising turn of speed and a nappy that needs changing.

Yes of course, sort out childcare.

I am sorry it isn't working for you, as two hours a week doesn't seem unreasonable. But she's 75, not 60. She may have much lower energy than you realise. She may be full of aches and pains that make her irritable and impatient or have health concerns or memory concerns. Very young children are exhausting, and although 2 hours is no time at all, it is still tying her to an obligation week in week out when she may need more flexibility.

Try not to let it ruin your relationship with her or hers with your daughter. I'd send her a message saying you hadn't realised it was too much and you will get your childminder to cover those hours from now on, and that you hope to see her soon.

Thank you. Finally, someone compassionate!

How far is your MIL travelling on a train every week to do 3 hrs childcare ?

It sounds like it’s too much for your mum too.
One year olds are full on.
Yes you need to look at nursery.

You need to pay for childcare. How can you possibly complain when you’re getting so much childcare for free week in, week out?