To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

I don’t think YABU OP, my dad did very similar. Moaned that my sister had never asked him to help with childcare so I asked if he would like to help a few hours a wk with my DS when I went back to work. He jumped at it! He clearly underestimated how demanding toddlers are and made sure I knew it every single time I picked DS up. It got to the point I dreaded leaving work on that day as I knew he would be negative and even mean. In the end I put him in nursery an extra half day to save everyone’s sanity. Of course I was wrong for that as well because ‘he didn’t mind having him’ 😐

All these comments claiming you are being entitled! Rubbish, I would like to hope that any grandparent would be thrilled to spend time with the only grandchild they will ever have. Yes it may be tiring but I thought grandkids kept you young? Spending that time together should be a pleasure not a chore? What would our parents have done without grandparents to help out with us before private childcare became so common. Yes, absolutely make other arrangements for DD and don’t feel guilty, DM is the one who will miss out.

YANBU Or entitled to want your mum to spend a couple of hours a week with the only grandchild she will ever have. Grandkids are a pleasure, a joy! Not a chore. You don’t mention if she has any significant health reasons for not supporting you, is there? I do wonder what our parents would have done without granny and grandad to help out when we were young and private childcare wasn’t so common? Absolutely make other arrangements as you clearly can’t rely on your mum.

I can understand why you're not impressed but it looks to me as though it's clearly not working and your mother has said so.

Grandkids are a pleasure, when the reason for seeing each other is just because,.and as and when. Not because you want free childcare on a particular day and time.

And what did your parents/grandparents do? Your mother probably didn't work or only worked part time.

Quite the assumption. My grandma looked after me regularly as there was no other option. Mine was an older mum too so my gran wasn’t young or in great health but fortunately we were very close. As mum of grown up kids I would never think them entitled for hoping I would help them out and I certainly wouldnt make them feel bad about it. I wonder what kind families some people come from.

I’ve never had a grandparent on hand to look after my daughter. Two grandparents died long before she came along, one is not in contact, and my mum was still working when my daughter was young. However, I would never underestimate how tiring it is for a grandparent to look after a small child, even for a couple of hours. I know it’s not always easy, but find reliable, consistent childcare for your child. You, your mother and your child will benefit in the long run.
My mum is 67, non smoker, healthy diet and weight, fit (she climbed the Great Wall of China for charity a few years ago!) Last month she suffered a massive heart attack, out of the blue, no warning. Appreciate the relationship and regular contact you have without adding unnecessary strain and stress for you, your mother or your child.

Yes, make other arrangements. I'm afraid I'm of the group that thinks that regularly scheduled, unpaid grandparent babysitting is a little unfair and not to be expected - even more so if it's clearly hard work for her.

Oh I missed op's update it's been deleted for some reason? Do you mind telling me what it said?

@Americano75 and @Runnerinthenight do you mind sharing what the update from op said please? It's been deleted for some reason?

She had a lovely chat with her mum and they apologised to each other, so all is well. Poor lassie got a terrible kicking on this thread, no need for it at all.

@Americano75 Ah that's good, thanks for responding, and agree yet another thread that I've seen recently where the op has been piled on by some, horrible and totally unjustified

This is clearly too much for your mother Your cheerful chirpy approach probably enraged her. I wonder whether she gave you lots of earlier hints that she wasn't coping which you managed to ignore.

Sorry OP I should have read the full thread. You obviously do have a lovely close relationship with your mum. It sounds like you went through so much to have a child. My parents were older when they had me and I did delay having children. I think I'm going to be a very old granny and the thought of running after a toddler now fills me with horror. I am sorry that you have been put off. I think I too might leave AIBU as I think it's just too easy to slip into not being kind.

Tbh I think it’s reasonable to expect some support with childcare. However because it’s not working out I’d probably just send her to a childminder/ nursery to save the strain on your relationship with your mum.
however I completely understand the frustration. My mum lives a 5 min walk down the road from me (she’s visited my house twice in 4 years) and point blank refuses to look after one or both of my children. I find it really hurtful and difficult to understand because she’s young and retired early and literally does very little in the week. I wish she’d help, especially as we don’t have any support on my DH side either but it’s something I’ve grown to accept, despite the hurt I feel. I hope your can find a happy resolution x

I'm 75. I work part time and I'm fit and well. I sometimes have my younger GDs to stay overnight, and I sometimes look after them. I love them and I feel lucky to have a good relationship with them.

But I do not have, and would not have, a regular arrangement to look after them or not a weekly commitment. Much as I love them, they exhaust me and it's taking me longer to regain my energy after I have looked after them, so I only offer when I know I have time to recover.

Two hours a week may not sound like much to you, but it would finish me. My part-time work - responsible and demanding though it is - is an absolute doddle compared the childcare. Encourage your mother to enjoy her grandchildren, but not to burn herself out. She's offering because she wants to see them and wants to help, but she hasn't got the stamina any more.

She isn't being unreasonable, but you might be.

You definitely need an alternative arrangement as it’s too much for your mum.

my dad is 77 and has never looked after my dc, although he loves them dearly it is simply too exhausting for him.

the fact that you deleted the positive updates… does that mean that the positive development didn’t come to fruition OP?

Agree with this

Spot on