To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Well, it would be nice if she did, but you can't expect her to. For any number of reasons, she may not feel up to it. And, even apart from whether it's fair to your mum, do you really want your daughter to be looked after by someone who struggles to cope with childcare?

Have you never heard people say that the best thing about grandchildren is that you get to hand them back. It’s fair to say that’s how your mum feels. My parents are 76 and pretty active, my children are adults now but I think twice about asking them to watch my well behaved dog, a toddler I wouldn’t ask or expect them to look after them.

I've not read the full thread, but I think it can be too tiring for older people to look after young children. My dad was 67 when my eldest was born and babysat just one time for a few hours, then said it was too much for him and he couldn't do it again. He'd happily looked after my brother's two daughters who'd been born when he was early 60s, so that 4-5 years older made a big difference.
Not sure if your mum is finding it too much, but at 75 that might be the case.

Cannot believe all the nasty people on here. Why. This poor woman asked for some advice. Her mum is clearly very unreasonable. She asked to look after her and it’s just 2 hours and she can change her mind any time. She’s taking out her anger on her daughter.

It can feel upsetting, to think a parent isn't interested in looking after a grandchild.

I'm sure your mum loves your little one very much but some people just aren't cut out for it or don't want to for various reasons.

You say your mum should be able to look after your DD alone for 2 hours. In normal circumstances I would agree, but for whatever reason, your mum is making it clear it's not working out.

Before you both get resentful, sort alternate arrangements. Without the added pressure of child minding, I'm sure your mum will love spending time.

My mother insists on helping out, which I appreciate. I’ve told her I will happily send my daughter to nursery one morning a week. She insists she is ok to look after her.

I am not expecting or demanding help. She offers. But then is resentful

I feel a lot of posters have missed this, & jumped on one wrong word in the thread title.

Your mum is giving you mixed signals @Welshlady89 so no wonder you are confused. I'd send your dd to nursery for the day your mum was meant to be having her, and if she does get upset about it just tell her she told you she was struggling and you thought this was best for your dd.
I hope you stay as we really aren't all bad and I'm sorry you've had such vile comments.

I'm only mid 50's and I struggle to keep up with a 5 yr old (very active and also challenging) GC.

3 years ago I kept up with the same GC as a toddler with no problem. The dream of quality time doing grandmotherly things is one thing, the reality of what it takes out of you can be very different. Your mother is probably very upset about the situation. Cut her some slack, get childcare for that morning and suggest she enjoys playing with her DGC when you are there and has the fun times rather than the responsibility.

My mum was like this. Id book childcare in and make it clear you are disappointed in her lack of effort for her grandchild.

I feel like you've had a really hard time here. YANBU to expect your mum to help when she insists she wants to help.

She is BU however for her shitty attitude whenever she does "help"

Her mother was the one who suggested it. Literally unbelievable that you don’t bother to make the effort to read before posting 🤷‍♀️

It sounds a bit like your mother is playing games here. Make sure to get paid care so you don’t rely on her.

as for the guilt tripping afterwards from her if you don’t play ball - try and ignore (but I know that’s hard)

I couldn’t stand it if I felt I owed her and then to be spoken to in that way - it’s very draining and hurtful and I would not play her game

That's a lovely update OP, I'm glad you got it sorted out.

Thank you, and thank you for being kind.

I'm glad to hear it's all worked out!

I really respect you for coming back with an update @Welshlady89! I didn't think you'd post again (wouldn't blame you!) and I'm glad that you have. I'm also glad you've sorted things out with your mum. I guess it's something that you can review. Ironically your DD will probably get easier for her as she gets older, even as your mum gets older!

Just to let you know, those posts were reported and have been deleted. There was no call for any of that!

I didn't have my first child until I was 34 due to fertility issues, and my youngest at 40 following miscarriages. My mother died relatively young so I guess I deprived her of time with her grandchildren!! Pay no heed.

Very best wishes and kudos for posting again! x

Good news! I think of my 80 year old Mil who is currently having my DS over, taking him to the pool, playing board games etc. She has aches all over but she says that having one of her GC over is making her younger and is giving her so much joy... and my DC love her and are very affectionate. I hope to have the same loving, close relationship with my DGC if I have any...

I’m really glad you sorted it out with your mum op, sometimes a good ‘getting it out in the open’ does you the world of good.

one word of advice though, if your mum starts to be funny when you pick your little one up again, don’t be tempted to plaster on a smile and ignore it, perhaps sit her down and ask her if she’s okay, maybe all she wants is to have a whinge every now and again about being tired etc, and how hard she finds it sometimes.

I think you should put your daughter into nursery if you can find one that will take for one morning. Will be a good experience for her.
your mum wants to help but then moans about it. Think about how relived you will feel not having to listen to it every time you pick up.
my MIL takes my kid whenever he called her to pick him up 😜 now he’s a teenager and has his own interests so it’s less and she’s sad about that. But no complaints and no making me feel bad.

you shouldn’t have to deal with moaning.

It doesn’t sound like an unreasonable ask but your mother doesn’t want to do it hence you are being unreasonable to continue to push it when she finds it hard / isn’t keen.

Send her to nursery your mother doesn't owe you free childcare

To expect

😬

I just read OP’s thread, very amusing. Yes you come off outrageously entitled.

your mom is probably tired after the two hours, bit off more than she could chew offering to watch, so she can be cranky. If it’s not affecting the other days then deal with it. Talk to her and actually listen, she’s saying it’s too much. Ok. No problem. Get other help.

And 35 is not that old for babies! Coming from a teacher you will be a much better mother than 99% 20yo. We can tell. The older the parents the better adjusted the child. They are polite and well spoken, loved and cared for. Also if you have your last child in your later years you’re statistically proven to live longer and healthier.

You’ve got this.

Also, my MIL takes nephew often. Claims she loves it, but does NOTHING but complain about it and make out her daughter and SIL to be the worst parents ever. Sooo. It’s not uncommon for there to be conflicting feelings I suppose.