To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Just ask your Mum should you make alternative arrangements like another poster said. Sounds like your Mum's communication skills aren't great and there are too many mixed messages.

I think this answers your questions about it.

She probably worries and feels stressed about looking after a 1 year old. I imagine I might be the same when my time comes. My best friend has a 2.5 year old GC, and says she is almost constantly on edge with the responsibility of looking after him.

It's a pity but a regular two hours really might be too much at that age. I'd use a nursery instead.
She may have other health issues you don't know about too.

It’s not everyday. It’s 2 hours per week.

No disrespect to your mother but clearly it is too much for her and it sounds to me like she's struggling to be honest and express her feelings. My personal view is that your daughter would benefit from a nursery and interaction with other children. Good luck

A child of one is pretty full on for an adult of any age, they are into everything, will still need their nappy changing and of course won't be talking so you have to guess at what they want and what might be upsetting them. I am a bit younger than your mum and often spend the afternoon with my friend and her 3 year old. We both play with her, take her out and generally interact with her. By the end of the afternoon I am shattered and that is without having to take full care of her. I think a couple of hours with her on my own would finish me off! She is a delight and a lot of fun, but you need a ton of energy to provide the level of input they need. When I have done a few stories, played hide and seek and done some dancing, I need a lie down!

Your Daughter needs to go to nursery on that morning,starting from now.Your mum,for whatever reason has made it clear she isn't going to do it anymore, so don't expect it.

I mean, this. You shouldn't expect anything.

I think your Mum likes the idea of looking after your DD once weekly for 2 hours, but cannot cope with the reality involved.
This is the ideal opportunity now to use crystal clear communication and cut through any manipulation/bluster etc. good luck OP

75 is really old. I think it's too much to expect if she is expressing misgivings.

I think the age that people become grannies varies so much now. In the past usually aged 40ish but now I guess 70+ is less uncommon. It's a HUGE difference.

If you were describing a great grandma or even a great great grandma which you mother is old enough to be, it wouldn't seem as obvious that they would be expected to provide childcare.

It's a shame and it inconvenient for you OP but it's not unreasonable of your mother.

I dont know how old you are now but you don't know how you will feel when you are 75.

I have a friend around that age. She looked after her first grandchild 3 years ago but doesn't think she'll be able to do the same with number 2 expected soon. Things change.

Why don’t you send her to nursery? Are you reluctant to pay and prefer to use family as free childcare?

Not a chance in hell I'll be doing childcare in my 70s, or 60s.

Yes, use a nursery and pay for the childcare. Looking after your grandkids shouldn't be a job, it should be fun and when both parties feel like doing it and have the energy to. The way you talk about it makes it sound like you expect her to because she is the grandmother, but you have zero expectations for any males in the extended families to look after her.

Yabu to expect it.

She is being unreasonable to be passive aggressive rather than come out and say that it’s too much. Do you think that she feels obliged to do a morning a week because of MIL? She might think it looks bad on her if MIL does a day but she doesn’t.

Either way, time to look at a childminder or nursery and stop the daily lunches so your mum can maintain face.

End this arrangement in the kindest way you can.

I wouldn't expect any 75 yo to have full sole care of a toddler.

Would you want someone that age working in a nursery?

You are exploiting her

She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me.

Don't you ever discuss it OP? It seems like this has been building for a while? Haven't you ever asked her which parts she struggles with and if there is anything you can do or supply to make it easier?

My mum is 74 and I wouldn’t ask her to mind my 6 year old an hour a week, it would be far too much for her and she’s fit and healthy. Kids are mentally draining as well as physically draining. Your mum has clearly indicated that it’s too much for her. It’s completely different seeing a child with its parent than without. Keep up the lunch times everyday with her granddaughter with you there too and find other childcare arrangements for your child outside of that.

What was she like as a mum? I think a poster has cracked it by sating she like the thought of being hands on granny but actually can't cope with the reality. Why do you have lunch everyday if she doesn't like being around when you feed your daughter?

75 is really old

Oh shit 😂

You have no idea what a 75 year old can feel like. Looking after a one year old is exhausting. Please find another solution.

For whatever reason this is not working for your moment, so for the sake of your relationship with her amd hers with your daughter, you need paid childcare.

My mom provided childcare for us which was greatly appreciated, but now she's 66, she's told us if we have any more children we are on our own, as she's tired.

I imagine even a fit 75 year old will experience tiredness, especially one with a job, and her charge being a likely energetic toddler.

Blimey

YABU
1 year olds are hard work, they need constant watching and attention and physically heavy to lift if not walking.
Too much mentally and physically for your 75 year old mum.
Find other arrangements.