To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Unfortunately she’s telling you it’s too much. Sad but how it is. My DM is 72 and finds childcare much harder now. She actually said recently that she was reflecting on how she judged my MIL a bit for being ‘too hands off’ when my first was born, but she was 72 then and my mum was 63; she says she gets it now she’s reached the same age.

Also I don’t know if this is at play at all, but for us when my kids were young, becoming a parent threw up all kinds of issues about my own experiences of being parented. Some of it we talked about but it changed our relationship - not all bad, but matured it. I wonder if your mum has anything going on emotionally in her granny role, as well as being more easily tired.

From a grandparents perspective, I'm in my 40s my granddaughter is 4. My children are now late teens and 20s. It wipes me out at time after having her I have her overnight probably once a month and a few times a week. When I had mine I did not have any support from family was basically told I'd made my bed so I paid for childcare and made it work. Your mum is 75 and I can imagine a 1 year old being quite hard work she is her granddaughter of course and she will love her as I do mine but when it stops being on your terms and more an expectation it doesn't feel pleasurable.

It’s a shame she doesn’t seem to be able to do it as she obviously lives nearby and you have a close relationship. I will be trying to help my DC out with childcare as much as I can when the time comes. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing to ask. 2 hours a week is not a lot. Is your father around as well?

You are unreasonable for expecting anyone to look after your child. Pay for childcare as it's clearly not working.

Do you even say thank you,? I have my 7 year old grandson with me for up to a week in school holidays and although he's older he can still be a handful at times. My daughter always thanks us for having him.

Posters who say this is not too much for a granny to do, are you 75? Easy to say you will do it now.

Are you being unreasonable? Yes.
Is this a wind up? I hope so.

This. If she WAS coping, she wouldn't respond in this way. It isn't her fault that she can't cope.

She's made it clear it's too much for her. Stop "expecting" her and made alternative arrangements

You EXPECT your mother to have her? Sorry, you are presuming too much.

Your child, your responsibility.

End of.

Neither of my children plan on having children but I have made it very clear that I will babysit but I won't be a childminder. Did you have this conversation with your mother? Oh and I am a decade younger than your mother and would still struggle on a regular basis.

Sounds like your mum just wants to be a martyr

Easy for you to say that - but you aren't the OP'S specific 75 year old mum.

My mum is 75 and in no way could cope with a toddler. She doesn't even have my sisters children at 9 and 11.

It's too much for her so make other arrangements and then she can enjoy her granddaughter better

The whole thing of her being the only grandchild is a bit of a red herring. It doesn't matter how many others there are, your DM can't cope with a weekly commitment to look after your child. I know it's probably frustrating when you see energetic grannies rallying three toddlers at once, but that's not your situation. Let her enjoy her only grandchild in a more manageable way for her.

What an unpleasant thing to say about a 75 year old who has been doing childcare for her grandchild every week.

A one-year-old is too much for a 75-year-old. Your mum must be exhausted. You need to make other arrangements.

You are being unreasonable to "expect" her to do childcare. You are beyond unreasonable in circumstances where, whether you think it's objectively reasonable or not, she's made it clear she's not coping. You have left the town of Unreasonable (pop: you) several hundred miles in your rear view mirror to even now, when your mother has said she's not doing it anymore, be only considering whether you should send her to nursery instead.

Would you hire a 75 year old childminder for your kid? I would personally be worried about their health and ability to keep up with a one year old so wouldn't. If you wouldn't hire someone well past the age of retirement why would you think it's okay to expect your mother to do it for free when she's said she can't cope?

Of course you are being unreasonable , you sound very entitled. it’s your mothers retirement which she worked for all her life , you don’t to tell her how she should spend it.

Why don’t you ask your husband or your brother in law to do it instead ?

You sound completely without empathy. She doesnt want to do it - she already sees quite a lot of your child. Why do you expect her to do it just because she's your mother? It is an awful assumption to make.
She's made it clear and you think she's somehow in the wrong?
You need to see the situation as it is and thank your mother for what she has done already, and make other arrangements that are more suitable.

75 is quite old to look after a toddler, she's obviously struggling and its affecting her mood/behaviour - I'm assuming you usually get on well considering you spend time together every day.
I would look into sending your daughter to nursery instead if that's an option.
Some grandparents much prefer the role as being fun and enjoyable spending time with their grandchildren whilst the parents are around, rather than having to deal with the stress of being the care giver.
Which can be due to being unable to cope with being the care giver and also just not being interested in doing so.
Though it doesn't really matter what works for other people - its not working for your mother so better to make the change now than build more resentment.

I am genuinely gobsmacked OP!!

For context (which I can't even believe I'm doing, but you are so blinded by your own 'needs' that it clearly needs stating!)...

I'm 60, work full time as a primary teacher and am, relatively speaking, pretty fit (usual 'getting on a bit' aches and pains, but still not too shabby for 60!)

I have a 14 month old granddaughter who I completely love and adore! Occasionally, on a weekend, I will babysit for a few hours to give my daughter a well needed break...HOWEVER...despite being 'relatively fit' it exhausts me!!

Don't get me wrong, I am glad to do it, but my goodness it's tiring at my age! I can easily control 30 x 7 year olds for 6 x hours a day, 5 days a week, but a 1 year old is a completely different ball game! The physical efforts required to be down on the floor, all the bending and picking up, rocking to sooth etc is bloody knackering!! Your mum is FIFTEEN years older than me...this must be really taking its toll on her!

Your complete inability to see this is beyond belief! What a selfish person you are...have a huge word with yourself and apologise to your 75 year old mum!

😡

Shes too much for her. She wants to see her but the regular childcare is too much. Make other arrangements

"My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children."

Your DH's sister is bugger all to do with your mum

Your mum doesn't owe you a damn thing - you're being an entitled brat

Send your child to nursery / childminder / etc and stop expecting people to take care of YOUR child

She clearly doesn't want to.

So don't. Find an alternative.

It's not fair on your daughter or mother to be in this situation.