To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Funny sort of dementia that hits at exactly the same time on the same day once a week

It can happen like that. My father in law reacted this way, snappiness and agitation when he was trying to do something he found challenging or difficult that he had done easily in the past. To find that something you have previously done with ease is becoming hard to negotiate can be very upsetting.

He was absolutely fine and quite himself until such time as he had to write a cheque. He'd written a zillion cheques in his lifetime but they became his Waterloo. He would, on those occasions, become grumpy, agitated, angry, snap when asked to do it. One might, if one hadn't any insight, assume that he was a bit tight with his money. But we knew that couldn't be it. And it eventually became clear that it wasn't. It was just the first sign. He couldn't negotiate his way round writing it. Where the date went etc.

I'm not suggesting OPs mother has early stage dementia. I just took a bit of offence at this poster's sweeping statement.

And again!

The poster is asking for advice about why her mother looks after her grandchild, willing at first but when op picks her up complains vociferously how she can't do it. But then complains that she is able to do it forewith?!

I know. I was only trying to explain why it might be so.

A conversation is needed, I think we are all agreed on that.

Because she is only like this with her DD on the one day a week she cares for her GC for 2 hrs

When she's perhaps been under excess stress. A sure sign that she's finding it difficult.

Take no notice of the nastiness here @Welshlady89 .

I've been pounced on here for making some very innocuous comments so it's clear there are some posters here who aren't at all sympathetic.

I don't see you as 'expecting' anything but you did 'expect it' in so much as it's been the pattern for a long time and your mum has suddenly changed her mind.

I hope it works out for you and the comments about 'waiting so long to have a baby' are simply disgraceful considering the reasons why.

And it isn't something to be used as an excuse when someone is being unpleasant to their family members. Did your mother only have this is at say 1 pm on a Monday? Thought not

But maybe after the stressful period of looking after a grandchild. Something she wants to be able to do and feels she should be able to do. But somehow isn't coping as well as she feels she should. Which happens to be around 1pm on a Monday. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to take that into consideration.

I read this as dementia to be honest...

Her mother offers because she would love to be with her GD but she can’t manage and maybe the GF doesn’t help. Something on the lines of, the mind is willing but the body is weak. But fearing that if she doesn’t do these two hours her DD will not have her round everyday, cutting down her family hours with both DD and DGD.

75 is quite old to be looking after a 1 yr old

my mum would sometimes look after my young kids for a whole day when she was 65 and was fine

10 years later, when my brother had kids and was expecting the same my mum found it incredibly hard and stressful

at 75 it was much harder than it had been at 65

at 75 you deserve a bit if being looked after. Rather than looking after others

I'm sorry to say I think you need to consider other arrangements as you can't force her to do something she clearly does not want to do/is struggling with. Whichever is true, has the same outcome - it's making both of you stressed and causing problems.

Wow. Wish I had a mother who saw my daughter everyday

I think we have all been where your Mum is, offered something with the best of intentions and then the reality of the offer makes us wish we hadn't ! And I think that is true regardless of age, physical or mental ability

My DM (who still works full time) and my MIL (retired) both in their 70s, travelled 1.5hrs each way once a week to look after my DD when she was a toddler. For 2 years! They wanted to have that time with her and saw it as an opportunity to create a special bond. Both were very sad but understanding when we made the decision to send DD to pre-school as preparation for school. Both DH and I were looked after grandparents growing up to allow our parents to work and when DD has her children I will, health permitting, do the same for her. I do feel sorry for the mumsnetters who have never had this type of support and would deem a person entitled or bratty to take it up if offered.

That was me that said that, and it's what I would feel like. It was bad enough looking after other people's children when I had my own and was used to it, but it's been a long long time since then

I know! It's draining. I took my 4 year old niece to the cinema, looked at our tickets for two seconds, and turned round and found her (just in time!) climbing up the guardrails on the upper balcony looking down on the entrance hall 10 metres below! She's fearless! See, my kids were more, sort of, sensible. They just seriously wouldn't have done that. My kids at 4 were more mature and just wouldn't have done that. How do you guard against completely unexpected and nutty behaviour? I spent the entire film imagining what COULD have happened. I can't begin to describe the thoughts that whirled through my mind. I can't even watch that film now without my stomach churning. About what 'could' have happened on my watch. Only YOU know when it's ok to take your eyes off your kids for a few seconds. And that's all it was. A few seconds.

Imagine if you're 75 and you're given all that responsibility. It's different with your own children. You are in sync and know where the dangers lie. You cannot transfer your own experience of childcare safety rails with your own children to the new generation of children. Because the rules appear to have changed massively.

My own children would not have climbed up into a dangerous situation as my niece did recently. It was a dangerous situation I could not foresee. Therefore I will never be taking her anywhere again. Because she hasn't been taught reasonable behaviour.

Not sure what your question is.

The question is whether she is unreasonable to expect childcare. My answer is still yes.

I have plenty of experience thanks, worked in social care for 20 years, have LPA for relative in their 90s and no I've never known it be an issue at a specific time once a week with someone who happily has lunch with DD 5 days a week and runs a business

Hmm. So it only occurs after mil has had sole care of the child. And you don't see any connection. I've worked in social care for 45 years, and I do see a very clear connection. I specialise in LD but have experience with newly diagnosed dementia clients. At age 75 this mother in law is not coping with the childcare.
That does not mean she has dementia, obviously. It means that age 75 she is not equal to looking after a 1 year old for two hours. I struggled with it at 27.
OP should take the hint.

It’s much better for the child to be looked after by grandparents than to go into a nursery and it means they will have a lovely relationship

Much better for the parents you mean? The entitlement of your post is astonishing. Maybe younger grandparents IF they offer. We're talking about a 75yo here. My MIL is 75. I cannot imagine anyone in the family even having the audacity to ask her to do child-minding. She's out and about every day but she's in no way able to run after a 1yo.

I'm 50 and looked after a relatives 2yo recently.. It was exhausting and DH was there to help. There's not a hope I'll be running around after toddlers at 75. Older than 5 and I'm all in.

My feelings exactly!

Why are you talking about such extreme scenarios. So if a grandparent doesn't offer to do childcare, that means they're "watching their daughter/son struggling with their child and just enjoying their free time"? That's just silly.

Just because someone might not want to do regular childcare it doesn't mean they can't support their adult child. My mother didn't do 'child-care' as such. She did some babysitting once the grandkids were older. No-one thought this was out of order. Everyone in the family loved our Mum.

I agree it's not long at all @Welshlady89 but if she doesn't wanna do it.........

I'm sorry you have had a hard time on here.

She's 75 not 35....

Can’t believe most people are telling you YABU for expecting your own mum to babysit her GC 2h a week when she has volunteered to do it! It’s not that she’s struggling, it’s her attitude that is the problem. Switch to nursery, but I’m sorry you have to.

You’re not OP, but this is mumsnet where you’re considered selfish and entitled for ever contemplating that family might help with anything.

Your mum clearly wants to help in theory… hence insisting she can do the two hours and not to put her in nursery. But the reality seems to be that she doesn’t actually enjoy it/isn’t coping with it

You might be best going down the nursery route. If you don’t want to get into you could say that you think it will be good for tojr DD’s development to be in that setting so everyone saves face. You’ll probably be met with token resistance … but it will be token.

I’d then knock the daily lunches on the head especially as she doesn’t like to see your daughter eat. You don’t want her picking up on those vibes.

You can then make arrangements to see each other that suit you all and don’t feel like obligations.

If by chance you are still reading OP, then I just wanted to wish you well… you’ve had some absolutely horrible responses on this thread. There’s zero need to make a point by going on the attack.

Sadly, reflecting real life, there are some absolute dicks posting on this site.

I can't believe you don't understand here. You will be old one day too, if you're lucky.