To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

True but I hope when I’m old I’m still able to communicate effectively, and don’t end up complaining afterwards every time I agree to do someone a favour.

I can't believe you don't understand here. You will be old one day too, if you're lucky

I think the youngsters here cannot envisage the previous generation as young struggling parents who had little to no help. And who now, relieved of their parental duties, would be happy to do the odd night of babysitting.

Whereas the young parents of 'now' feel that a couple of days a week childcare is not all that much to ask of their elderlies. These elderlies have maybe 10 or 20 years left on this earth. Spent 25 or more years of their lives caring for and in a lot of cases going short of money for their children. And now, when the future looks peaceful. . . .

The kids want more! Just a bit more. At 75 a moderately active granny could be going out for walks with mates and having tea and cakes after. But no. They have a responsibility to look after their grandkids until they are considered incapable. It's all shit. Didn't happen in my day. I saw my grandparents plenty and it was fun, but they never, ever saw us without Mum and Dad there.

The OP is only asking for 2 hours of babysitting a week. Calm down.

The OP is only asking for 2 hours of babysitting a week. Calm down

But why is she asking if it's clear that her mother is either not up to it, or not enjoying it? Why would you keep on pushing for it?

It's the threatening to cut grandparents off in their older age if they don't do what's demended that astounds me. Imagine threatening anyone else like that in life, friends or siblings. " Look after my children or I'll never do anything for you again". Just wouldn't happen would it?

People age at different rates.
This gran works and is very fit.
Not everyone is 'past it' by 75. Or unable to amuse a 1 year old for 2 hours.
And she did offer to do childcare.

Exactly!

What grandparents say can be very different from what they mean.

I hear lots about how important family is. But it's in theory. Few gp are going to fess up that they like the idea but not the reality. Mil was 50 when the first gc came along and could not cope. It's not about just being fit and healthy.

You have no idea how you will be.

I have a degenerative condition which does wipe me out quite quickly, I have also raised 4 kids mostly single whilst in the army so have not had to contend with toddlers and pain constantly bloods are fine

It's the threatening to cut grandparents off in their older age if they don't do what's demended that astounds me. Imagine threatening anyone else like that in life, friends or siblings. " Look after my children or I'll never do anything for you again". Just wouldn't happen would it?

I can only imagine (hope) that it's rare and few people who think that way.

To precis, I often see on here the idea that if GPs can't or won't look after my children for me then I won't help you when you are old and infirm.
Conveniently forgetting that they've had this struggle before with their own children and no help. And there was no help in the 80s. Very few childcare facilities and those that existed were way beyond budget. It was more financially viable for mothers to give up their jobs. No mat leave. No assurance of a job in the future. You simply had to give up working. Nobody was going to save your job for you. Your employer did not have to save your job for you. You had to resign. Then 5 years later you'd been out of the market so long you were bottom of the list for employment. You had not been allowed to 'keep your skills up to date' by taking mat leave and going back. You'd been forced to resign.

Anyway.

If grandparents are not willing or able to take sole care of grandchildren, then the kickback is to go low contact, or even no contact. Because how dare they retire and imagine that they've done their bit and now they can relax,

Alongside that, many 70 year olds are still heavily involved in looking after their own parents, in their 90s. As I said in a previous post, we 70s are now a sandwich generation. Expected to give help to our 30+ year old children AND our 90+ year old parents. And in my case, a sister in her 80s, who also needs a lot of management. So a Club Sandwich really. At a time in our life when we are just both retired, and would have hoped for some freedom in what we do,

We also have a dd with severe LD who is in a supported living house.
So there's that as well. That brings with it extra stress,

I'm Northern woman. I'd just interpret it as my mother is finding it difficult to look after my kid. It's clear and obvious. Doesn't need to be a big issue. OP! Give her a break! You have no idea why. Just accept it and don't judge her.

You have no idea how you will be.

That's it really. You have no idea when you are 30 how you will feel when you are 75

Great post! I had no physical parental support with my children - plenty of emotional and financial support and my parents loved my youngsters but they both died when my eldest was only 9, and my youngest 2/3.

I only really knew one grandmother. She lived with our family, and yes, she supported my parents to a degree. Two gps had died before I was born, and one when I was 4/5.

I've done everything for my children. Paid for the best of everything including the most fucking expensive nappies! Got them tutoring when necessary. Paid for an array of extra-curricular activities and broke my neck getting them there. My kids' CVs have helped them so much in their 3rd level applications and their careers. 27 year old now living at home while saving for a house deposit and paying fuck all. 25 year old doing a Masters in the EU while being totally funded by us. Youngest living at home while in uni. I don't think I owe them childcare on top of all that!!

Like you @ShinyNewMe, our kids never saw their grandparents without us being present.

You weren't "pounced on" at all. When I shared that my mother had died too young, you accused me of making it a competition. That's actually disgusting.

Yes, she offered and she tried it, and realised it was too much for her??

FFS why are people guilt tripping OP?

It really isn't a competition.

Hope you're OK OP?

And she has realised it's too much for her.

loved my youngsters but they both died when my eldest was only 9, and my youngest

I can relate. My mother and father had died before my eldest was 6
My father died before the youngest was one year old. So she doesn't remember him but we have a picture of him holding her.

They remember granny because she was alive until the oldest was 5
The eldest remembers her a bit, so she tells me.

But hey ho!! A bit shit that we didn't get any childcare out of them!

I feel like I've missed out bigtime, not having any parents to look after my kids that I chose to have. If I'd known that my parents were going to die spit spot, of course I would have had no bloody kids at all. What is the point if you're going to have to do it by yourself. Because on mumsnet you can't possibly have kids unless you have a mother who will look after your kid while you go out to work.

It seems to be a prerequisite for working parents on here. A granny who will give up her all, her autonomy, and her valuable time to help out her kids with their kids.

They think she has nothing better to do. And I'll bet she's just pacing it out until you come and tell her your kids are at school and you do not need her anymore

It’s the idea that the Op describes her and her mother as “very close” and have a wonderful relationship as the most weird feature of this thread.

How odd.

There are some women (quite a number actually) who give birth at 50.

Why on earth would a woman of 50 not be able to amuse a 1 year old for 2 hours?

She hasn't exactly said that. That's why the OP posted because her mum has not communicated properly how she feels.

It's actually shocking that there is so much ageism on this thread. OR that so many women feel unfit physically and 'over the hill' at relatively young ages.

Looking after a 1 yr old for 2 hours is not hard.
A few stories to read together, a game, a walk outside and that's 2 hours gone.

You seem to want to persist in discussing this @Runnerinthenight and are escalating by calling me 'disgusting'.

It's a fact that parents die at all ages. Some young, some old.

The 'competition' element was started by you because you had to post in an unpleasant tone that your mum died at 63 whereas my mum was still fit at 80.

I'm not going to bother to engage with you any more but I am sorry you lost your mum young and that's genuine.

She has exactly said that though hasn't she, OP just decided to tiptoe around it and ignore it.. for how long we don't know, the mum is struggling to cope and says as much every single time she has her, but instead of addressing the problem or communicating with her mum to try to put things in place that may make her life easier.. she is just turning up and being fakely chirpy and happy and completely ignoring her mum's complaints in the hope that it if she is nice enough to her she will carry on for another week.. it's all there in her OP.

She goes on to say that her mum wanted to do this and encouraged it, and makes it obvious from her wording that it's not hard to look after her daughter and she expects her mum to do it without complaint because she was the one that offered.. seemingly regardless of whether her mum is still capable or not.. that is the bit I am struggling to comprehend.

I've asked OP twice if she's ever had a chat with her mum about which parts she struggled with.. she hasn't responded to that, she's basically been ignoring her mums complaints every week, because the arrangement suits her.

I'm not surprised OP has got some negative responses to that, but like always there's been some horrible people on here who can't be objective, who OP has chosen to focus on instead.

from OPs post which say that her mum is struggling and has been telling her for a while:

To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints.

yabu

Childminder or Nursery; poor Mum must have found it too tiring …