To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

really? Did you never stay over at your grandparents? I used to go over to my grandparents house every weekend for a roast dinner, we used to play cards and make pancakes. (Without parents) It wasn’t to help with childcare arrangements I liked being with them and they liked being with me. I often used to sleep over there and we’d go into town together. I have really great memories and I hope when I have grankids they will want to spend time with me. Having your grankids is not a burden it should be a joy. They had time for all of their 10 grankids and loved spending time with them.

Find alternative arrangement. Your dm is " sacked" from her priveledged job

@ShinyNewMe You do appear to have a very cynical and jaded opinion of the role of grandparents. In other cultures (not the West) grandparents are part of an extended family where everyone helps each other.

Many grandparents are more than happy to help out. And 75 is not old these days. There are quite a number of people that age still working.

The OP is asking for 2 hours, once a week. That leaves her mum with rather a lot of time for 'gentle walks and cakes with friends' - don't you think?

If her mum is no longer happy to do it, that's fine and she should withdraw.

But your blanket scenario isn't the norm either.
many older people want to be with their grandchildren while they do have those 10 to 20 years 'left on earth'.

@ClickHereNow its relevant because it’s common for people to not have grandparents babysit, OP isn’t alone in her mum not being able to manage.

how is it NOT relevant? What’s your problem?

Absolutely this. This crazy thread is making me want to go and hug my mum and MIL, who are both more than happy to help out with my son despite them being - shock horror - fit and healthy 70+ year olds.

And yes, I do expect it, within reason (2 hours a week is totally within reason imo). Just like they expect me to help them with their technology and with admin or manual tasks they aren’t able to do. Because we are family and we support one another and take pleasure in making each others lives easier.

They would never deny 2 hours a week while they are fully able. They have very full lives but they are clear my son is their greatest joy. They love spending time with him and are always trying to negotiate more one on one time!

Genuinely thought this was the norm based on my own and friends’ experiences. This thread has shocked me.

When my DC were little, I needed to find a job and go back to work. I found a part time job and my mum insisted she would have dcs for me, a couple of days a week. Within a few weeks, she decided she could only do one day and after six months, I got home from work one day to be told she would no longer have them as she was going to be looking after my sibling's newborn full time. So I understand how hard it can be when someone is clearly unhappy with an arrangement. At the time my mum was in her 50's.
Dh and I are now grandparents. I still work but he takes care of the dgcs at least four full days each week. He is late 60's. It is tiring. There are days he is exhausted. And he is a man who is generally active. I help out when I can, but I do have some mobility issues, so absolutely wouldn't be prepared to have dgcs for more than half an hour or so on my own. The 14 month old is so active and mobile that I would not be able to keep up with them. The older dgc is more independent so I would happily have them longer.
I don't know why your mum feels as she clearly does, but I suspect the tetchiness and resentment is actually not how she feels about you, it's more about how she feels about herself. Angry, guilty and possibly embarrassed because she realises she's not up to he task, for whatever reason, and doesn't want to let you down. I know I feel bad that I can't offer more help with my dgcs, they are the absolute light of my life and I treasure every moment I spend with them and am desperately sad it cannot be more.

Well that's a fair point.

Though I do think the complaining while intensely annoying makes it clear that the OP's mum isn't happy.

It's not a matter of being "past it".

Maybe it's just too much for this lady on top of working and keeping active.

It's not ageism whatsoever; it's realism. The expectation that an older woman must devote time to minding her grandchild is staggering! Looking after a child that young isn't easy. What if said child doesn't want to do any of those things and is whingey and unsettled?

And you just had to have a go and bring it up again. Who the hell thinks the age your mother died at is a reason for competition! Please don't address me again.

ETA - maybe read what I said again. I did not call you disgusting. I called your comment disgusting and I reiterate that. And the "unpleasant tone" was only in your over-fertile imagination.

I’ve just had a huge fall out with my mum re childcare and she said similar things to yours. Long story short, I won’t be asking her again.

I wouldn’t ask your mum, put your daughter in nursery, she clearly isn’t coping

Just use other childcare and save the relationship with your mum

I could see where this thread was going to go before it even started. Mums net has a very odd view of grandparents providing any sort of childcare.

OP I understand how you feel. I’m sorry you’ve been met with such vitriol.

I was genuinely hurt when my mum didn’t offer to look after my child at all when I had him. She seemed to relish being able to tell me that she’d done her bit, while presumably forgetting that her mum lived with her and provided endless hours of childcare.

it’s not abnormal to anticipate family to be the village so many of us watched our own parents take advantage of.

Eventually I found the most peace when I stopped having any expectation of anyone else in caring for my children.

I can say with absolute certainty though that I will move heaven and earth to be able to help my own children if and when they have a family.

Of course it's too much for your mum to be looking after a one year old!

Your mum is 75 for goodness sake.

Time for you to grow up and be responsible for your own family.

I'm in reasonable health and I wouldn't mind looking after my 2 grandchildren occasionally but just spending a few hours with them (with their parents present) is tiring when they are so young. And I'm about 15 years younger than your dm! Outsource the child care and encourage a good relationship between dm and gd. Once your dd is older she'll appreciate doing more sedate activities with your dm for a few hours.

I’m not sure why you are getting so much hate on this post.

YANBU at all. It’s two hours a week FFS.

Your mother is the one being unreasonable, even more so in light of your summary here - if she doesn’t want to or can’t look after your child then she should just say this instead of acting like an immature child herself.

Take your child to nursery. Your child will have a better time and you won’t have to stress. It seems less like your mother “can’t” look after your child but more that she “doesn’t want to”, which is a shame seeing as she is the one that suggested it in the first place.

I don't think YABU necessarily, but she's clearly not happy about it and for whatever reason isn't telling you directly so you need to just find a nursery or childminder. I'd suggest for settling reasons you use the external childcare more than once a week.

She sounds like the kind who will act really put out when you tell her this is your plan but you clearly can't rely on her regularly.

I think it's unreasonable to expect anyone to provide free childcare... but I also think it's unreasonable to expect anyone (especially a working parent) to entertain someone for lunch every day.
Send her to nursery, but definitely match energy.

Yes, send her to nursery. Your mum just wants to visit when you are there and who could blame her, a toddler is hard work.

Literally unbelievable you expect a 75 yea old to lookafter a young child. Get a grip either nursery or childminder

Yes, I wouldn't be happy for my child to be looked after by someone who felt this way about it.

I’m the same position as you….I would never ever expect anyone to look after my child….I don’t have any brothers or sisters and my in laws live over an hour away.

but they don’t want to look after my daughter….very occasionally she will babysit but my kids are nearly teens now. When they were young though I had no help and my husband worked away from 5am to 11pm so did everything on my own

but st the end of the day. My kids my responsibility

Whilst she is fit and healthy I think ultimately she is finding it too difficult and maybe she feels she can’t say anything?

I think finding a nursery would be a good idea….it can be so difficult but you’re open to whatever you need to do..

we’re all trying to do the best we can and don’t forget how amazing you’re doing ok?

Not really. She’s denying there’s anything wrong. Mum is very much unreasonable! Can’t stand that attitude. Nursery is far more positive and reliable OP!

What part are you not understanding that this arrangement isn't working for your mum! Sounds like she's been trying to tell you for quite some time now but you've chosen to ignore it.
You'll need to sort out your own childcare plans going forward.

You can't expect child care from anyone. If they offer, it's a pleasant bonus, and the offer can be rescinded at any time.