To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

And it isn't something to be used as an excuse when someone is being unpleasant to their family members. Did your mother only have this is at say 1 pm on a Monday? Thought not.

That was me that said that, and it's what I would feel like. It was bad enough looking after other people's children when I had my own and was used to it, but it's been a long long time since then.

I have plenty of experience thanks, worked in social care for 20 years, have LPA for relative in their 90s and no I've never known it be an issue at a specific time once a week with someone who happily has lunch with DD 5 days a week and runs a business.

And if this behaviour is down to the onset of dementia ? Still think it’s not very grown up ? My own mother didn’t consult a doctor when her behaviour started to follow very similar patterns to OP’s DM. She didn’t have a clue what was happening to her until she had a seizure and a vascular dementia diagnosis followed. It may very well not be. She could just be awkward. But at 75, if she was my mum I’d want to know.

There's plenty of ways of continuing to be a loving and supportive parent that don't involve childcare!

Quite

They can put me in a home if necessary. I don't have any expectations of them in that regard

I believe there are some who would not arrange for their parents to be transferred to a nursing home as it would involve selling the house to pay for it.
Sister in law, I'm looking at you.

Of course she doesn't know - this is a tiny snapshot of this lady's life!

Obviously anyone is entitled to change their mind (although note that the mother in this instance has actually insisted on doing the care and then being resentful - she has not communicated a change of heart

Surely, appearing resentful is communicating a change of heart. Perhaps she doesn't want to say it out loud and hopes a hint will be taken.

DM doesn’t run a business, her DH does. And I have five years experience of looking after my own mother in her 90’s with vascular dementia, and I can tell you from first hand experience, the onset was very similar to what OP is describing now. The OP has only picked up on this behaviour because it affects her. There may be other symptoms she doesn’t know about.

I haven't got time to read through 500 messages on this thread but tbh, I don't think 2 hours a week is excessive at all and I'm surprised she can't cope.

It just sounds like she doesn't want to, doesn't like it, resents having her time encroached upon etc.

You might have gained a little insight if you'd at least read the OP's comments.

The rates for dementia at 75 are actually very low, don't know why that is always what is wheeled out on here. The OP sees her mother 5 days a week, clearly this behaviour is only happening one day a week, the day she has little one. It is actually isn't important why she is doing this, it is important that the OP doesn't let it go on as it is distressing her and it will almost certainly be affecting the baby.

I just could not imagine seeing my daughter struggle with her own child and me just enjoying free time and relaxing

Some of us are still struggling with our own parents who are in their 90s. The sandwich generation. Demands from above and below.

Does your unpleasantness interfere with your ability to read and comprehend ? Yes. She started to avoid routine things she had done for years. Appointments missed, excuses for not coming to family gatherings. Slow build up until the seizure. Did 20 years in social care not alert you to the warning signs ?

It does seem that she just doesn't want to so I would arrange alternative care.
I have to say though I think some people are being a bit dramatic about 2 hours a week care and it sounds like your mum is a fit and healthy 75 year old.

"clearly" nothing! You literally just made that up! The OP hasn't made any mention whatsoever on her mum's behaviour at any other time!

That is not the same as being grump and tetchy once a week after looking after GC.

Hilarious that I'm called unpleasant after the horrible things people have said to the OP.

How on earth do you know it’s only happening one day a week ? There could be other signs the OP isn’t aware of. Our family thought it odd that my mum was withdrawing slowly from things she had enjoyed - included regular family gatherings. We didn’t notice anything else and she didn’t have the words to tell us because she didn’t know herself. How exactly is someone’s actual experience of this illness ‘wheeling it out’ ?

OK then I give up.

@Welshlady89 Some of the comments on here are plain nasty. Remember that this is the internet. Not everyone is real and some people are just being trolls. Others maybe project their bitternesses on situations that are nothing to do with them.

I hope that some of the people on here have been a bit helpful. Maybe try to focus just on those and don't let the rest upset you. Tell yourself you don't really know who these keyboard warriers are and some people go on the net merely to upset. There was nothing nasty or mean about your post. You were perplexed by a situation. Some people reasonably pointed out your mum might be tired or not up for this even though she thought she was. It seems to me you get on well with your mum but she is not communicating well with you. I'd say don't take anything personally and try and get to the bottom of how she is feeling. You may feel less hurt and confused if you just go for a different form of childcare. Just be prepared she might be offended at that too if she is struggling with something like the feeling tired or accepting limitations etc.

Good luck OP. Maybe try relationships board next time. They tend to be nicer there but it's less pushed to the fore.

For goodness sake the woman has a part time career in the theatre, she socialises, she's out this afternoon, her DD has lunch with her every day, why do you think the OP has specifically brought up how her mother behaves on this particular day every week.

Whatever the reason the woman doesn't want to or isn't capable of looking after this child and the OP is well advised to make alternative arrangements.

Bye.

Sorry you’ve had all the crazy vitriol. Your mum sounds like she has an image of herself that she can’t actually live up to. I would stop her doing her two hours per week and put it behind you. Also everyone having a moan about people hoping for help from grandparents- wait till the GPs get older, frailer and you’re running round them to the extent you barely have a life yourself. Welcome to my world - and I had no help with kids from anyone when they were young bc my dm did the whole escape to the country thing.

Op is getting a hard time. 2 hours a week isn’t much, I don’t get any help at all and I’m very jealous of my friend’s parents who help loads.

You’re within your rights to be upset about this. She’s crap!

Why don't you RTFT; OP's DM has the child for 2 hours a week, having offered to do that. No doubt DM will get all martyrish if OP does make other arrangements.

I'm sorry @Welshlady89 that you encountered so much abuse: it's a theme in threads where adult daughters question their own mothers. Pure projection: the majority of abuse comes from trolls, but a notable part of it comes from people in denial of their own flaws. They can't stand themselves, so they split and project.
You weren't being unreasonable at all. The nasty responses weren't about you 🙏