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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

268 replies

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:03

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

OP posts:
redrudolph · 19/08/2024 22:10

@CobaltQueen can you join a dance class? Salsa dancing perhaps? Or go to Sunday church? Very friendly people at both. You have got to put yourself out there to meet people. The more you make yourself available by going out to such places the higher your chances of meeting some good friends.

Chillilounger · 19/08/2024 22:11

Sorry you're feeling like this op. Can you tell us a bit more about yourself?

Iloveanicegarden · 19/08/2024 22:12

I empathise so much. I'd like to add more but not on a public forum. PM me and we'll talk. This is genuine.

Glassoak · 19/08/2024 22:12

I agree @CobaltQueen

Unless you've experienced it you can't possibly understand it

Thevelvelletes · 19/08/2024 22:18

It's no fun for example if work Mon to Fri and the only person you may speak to is the checkout person on a Saturday and that's it till Monday and bank holidays only extend that loneliness.

Femme2804 · 19/08/2024 22:19

Are you autistic op?. Sorry i’m asking thia because my DH is autistic and he doesn’t have any friends

Why its hard for you to make friends? Do you have best friend from a school or childhood?z

CombatLingerie · 19/08/2024 22:24

I didn’t want to read your post @CobaltQueen and scroll by. I am so sorry you are alone. I have been lonely but not to the extent of being totally alone as you describe.I agree about the ‘helpful suggestions’ not being particularly helpful! I joined MN due to the social isolation where I presently live. Many on this site complain but I have found the site helpful to me.
I used to go for beauty treatments and hair wash and dry appointments for interactions and contact with another human being. I apologise if that doesn’t appeal to you. I am sorry that I can’t be more helpful. We can keep talking to you on this thread if you wish and feel free to confide your worries here if that helps.

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:24

No, I don't believe I am.
I had friends but I find myself constantly getting used or tossed to one side when someone better comes along. Or just the simple fact that we drifted due to them having families and not really wanting to continue the friendship as not much in common.
Not everyone in my situation is autistic or on the spectrum. If you don't naturally have that supportive network then it's easy to end up where I am. I know someone will accuse me of starting a pity party soon but I do feel that people don't understand true loneliness and how it feels to live it day in, day out.

OP posts:
Hazeby · 19/08/2024 22:26

Without being rude, how did you end up like
this? Did you have family and friends earlier in your life? What happened to them?

Mainoo72 · 19/08/2024 22:28

I agree that people who haven’t experienced it can’t really understand it.

It’s unusual to have no friends or family at all though. Have you had therapy to try and unpick what’s led to this situation?

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:28

I'm not sure what is so difficult to understand?
Not everyone is born into supportive and loving families. My family are very critical and although I live with my stepdad, we are not close. I am single and had friends throughout childhood and early to mid twenties but as explained above, this is not the case now.

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 19/08/2024 22:28

Thevelvelletes · 19/08/2024 22:18

It's no fun for example if work Mon to Fri and the only person you may speak to is the checkout person on a Saturday and that's it till Monday and bank holidays only extend that loneliness.

I'll agree that I don't understand loneliness, but it's partly because this scenario is so appealing. The thought of 48 hours, or longer, without speaking to anyone is my idea of heaven - and I'd also go through the self-service checkout to avoid having to speak to anyone!
But the world is very much split between people who enjoy life alone, and those who don't. And neither can understand the other.

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:30

Maybe it's just me then who is totally useless and unlovable as I am such an unusual case to you. This is what makes me reluctant to post as can often come away feeling worse about myself.

OP posts:
Mainoo72 · 19/08/2024 22:32

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:28

I'm not sure what is so difficult to understand?
Not everyone is born into supportive and loving families. My family are very critical and although I live with my stepdad, we are not close. I am single and had friends throughout childhood and early to mid twenties but as explained above, this is not the case now.

You’re coming across as quite prickly and defensive which won’t help in making/keeping friendships etc.

parietal · 19/08/2024 22:35

It is not your fault. Loneliness is horrible to deal with and can affect both physical and mental health.

Sometimes loneliness is caused by not being in the right places to meet people. That is why things like hobbies and dance classes are always suggested.

But if that doesn't work for you, then you could also look for a therapist who would help you find strategies to connect with people and gain in confidence. Therapy can help with loneliness.

And if you are looking to opportunities to meet people, then volunteering to help others if difficult situations can also be a good way to get a sense of social connection. But start small - if things change, it will be slow.

By posting and acknowledging this is a problem, that is the first step toward things getting better.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/08/2024 22:35

I am sorry you are so unhappy OP.

Do you have contact with people on a daily basis at work, colleagues ? Are there any activities you enjoy doing ?

Wildehorses · 19/08/2024 22:37

Even if you are not close to your stepdad, you live with him so surely you chat at least occasionally? Have you tried meet-up.com and walking/rambler groups … pals who are single swear by them, they also dip into online dating but it can be very hit and miss

Itiswhysofew · 19/08/2024 22:38

Yes, that is true loneliness and it hurts, terribly. I wish that nobody in the world was lonely. I often think of people who have no-one and wish that there was somewhere to go to, just to have a coffee and a chatFlowers

ponia · 19/08/2024 22:38

I totally get this OP. Its really tough. My family (some of whom I'm estranged from) are in another country and I live alone (single) in a small town. I have friends but they have their own families now mostly and they aren't around as much as they used to be. The loneliness of life is soul-crushing some days. Like you, I've had people suggest joining clubs etc which I have done but it can't compensate for having people who are close to you nearby. The only thing I would say is its not uncommon at all. A lot of people are in this position, and its very hard. You aren't alone in your loneliness.

YoureRockingTheBoat · 19/08/2024 22:39

I told my therapist that when I make a real connection with a cashier, or bus driver, or librarian etc. then tears come to my eyes. Like if I crack a joke and they really laugh. She was pretty shocked!

AzureBlue99 · 19/08/2024 22:39

13 responses and already the horrible posts have started to what I read as a heartfelt post.

I could be you @CobaltQueen if I wasn't married. I have a few acquaintances, no real friends, no family. If my husband goes away for work, I like it for a night but any more than that I realise I would be totally alone if I did not have him. I am an independent person, we are not codependent but it is scary to just have one person.

Even now when we go out I see family outings, gatherings, friends having coffee and I also feel resentful I don't have that. People don't realise how isolating life is when you don't have people.

I feel for you @CobaltQueen. No advice but just wanted to offset the snarky posts. Take any good advice given. Totally ignore the nasty posters.

peasepudding · 19/08/2024 22:39

I'm so sorry. Life can be unfair and unpredictable and loneliness is horrible. I don't think classes in the evening help because everyone just packs up and goes home to their lives, but I do think volunteering can be good as there is a real sense of purpose and connection. PPs idea of a therapist is also good, you could probably get referred for CBT by your GP and that could make a difference. I am glad you posted, it is hard to admit to being lonely, but it needn't be forever. Fwiw I am lonely at the moment too due to various circumstances (long term illness means I am mostly housebound and friends have drifted away). I do get it.

prepareforharvest · 19/08/2024 22:39

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:30

Maybe it's just me then who is totally useless and unlovable as I am such an unusual case to you. This is what makes me reluctant to post as can often come away feeling worse about myself.

I have a really good friend who is in a similar position to you. Her family are not super supportive and live a long way away and over time a lot of her friend have married/had children/moved away. I'm married and still see a lot of her but I think I do struggle to imagine that kind of disconnect in life. I am very extroverted and lived with family until I got married so used to the bustle of a busy house and the idea of spending a whole weekend alone does alarm me.

When she feels low she also feels it's a her problem but it's absolutely not. She's an amazing person and a brilliant friend and there's no real reason why she's still single and in the position she is in. I love her to bits and it really upsets me to hear her talking about herself as an unloveable person when that's absolutely not the case.

Obviously I don't actually know you in person OP but I can confidently say it's not true that just because you have ended up lonely in this season of your life it is any reflection on you as a person Smile

wtfissummer · 19/08/2024 22:41

CobaltQueen · 19/08/2024 22:30

Maybe it's just me then who is totally useless and unlovable as I am such an unusual case to you. This is what makes me reluctant to post as can often come away feeling worse about myself.

I hear you. It is lonely and all the well meaning "join a club" suggestions don't take account of how debilitating it is

It's a vicious circle. You feel unworthy if no one wants to be with you and it gets harder and harder to be open and friendly and approachable

I've got a big birthday coming up. My parents are no longer here and I have no real friends to do anything with. No one will take me out for a birthday lunch or a weekend away

I'm sorry I can't suggest anything OP other than to say you're not the odd. I bet there's more in this situation than will admit it

Flowers
CherubEarrings · 19/08/2024 22:42

Honestly I despair. Some of the replies here are horrible.

OP I am so sorry. I do understand. I have grown up children and married friends so am often alone at weekends. I have made lots of acquaintances from walking my dog at weekends.