To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

@CobaltQueen I could say a lot, but I won’t because I will probably end up feeling worse too. It can be luck of the draw who sees your post and who actually reads the words you posted.

I will say I don’t think it’s you.

I saw a post on one friendship thread saying that it now seems to be a norm not to have friends. I had them till lockdown. I feel embarrassed even though I’ve realised it’s not me.

Yes loneliness is hard, I see that due to my work, but quite often there are things people can do to change the situation in the medium to long term.

Firstly remember there are others out there who would love to be friends or at least acquaintances with you. You are worthy of their friendship!

Secondly you need to put yourself in the position of being able to make relationships, so this means potentially taking chances eg we have a meet up group in our town and anyone can go along, they post times on the local facebook group. Perhaps you can join clubs, attend a regular gym class, start attending church, volunteer etc. you might not immediately make connections but you might. Taking up a hobby at least gives you something extra to do anyway.

Thirdly and perhaps more importantly, most of us aren't socialising with lots of friends regularly, I know lots of people but I don't call them true friends, they are simply acquaintances in chat to at work, in the pub in the supermarket car park (small town). Fomo means often we can think everyone has amazing social lives but in reality no we don't.

Finally if by chance you are in the greater Bristol area, I've moved here and would love to meet people for a coffee etc. I haven't got a full diary at all!

Several people here gym have said that they understand, so saying that it's only you could come across as invalidating what they've posted.

Sorry you’re experiencing this op. I experienced extreme loneliness when I moved abroad and was tied into a contract with my job that meant I felt I had to stay although I didn’t really gel with people there and was desperately homesick and depressed. I remember podcasts being very helpful - I listened to one called Strangers (a collection of various life stories from random people) and an uplifting one, Feel Better Live More - actually has several episodes on loneliness. I can also relate to how it’s like a vicious cycle as it gets harder and harder to put yourself out there but at the same time you’re desperate to have connection with others. Joining a class can help to if you can afford to, I joined an art class and even though I didn’t make friends from it, it added something more to my day other than work, and the teacher was lovely too. I hope you find something that helps you

There are a lot of places you can go for a cup of coffee and a chat.

I’m sorry to hear how alone you feel. A really good therapist can help you through this and it doesn’t need to stay like this 🌺

Do you have Mind where you live. They do lots of in person and online groups where you're in a safe space to be able to talk about loneliness....most people are there looking for connection, just like you seek. İt's not like going to a dance class or book group just to have something to do, it's about seeking companionship and having a place to open up about how life affects you.

I've been there. I moved to a new place put of circumstance and went through a good few years of having no one really to properly talk to, but recently made a lovely friend who introduced me to some new people. I met her at a drop in place for lonely people which runs a couple of times per week. İt's so hard whilst you're trying to build that new network of friends, I understand fully. Xxx

Read the room. Terrible response.

Gosh some of these replies are so insensitive! Shocking. I’ve been in this position and sometimes it’s just how life turns out!

I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP.

Would you be able to get a dog or a cat? They aren't human but do provide companionship, company and affection. They don't judge.

Churches and community centre type places usually run coffee mornings.

Could you volunteer? Most charities are crying out for help.

I'm not saying you'll suddenly meet your best friends for life, but they would provide some human connection.

Oh ffs, it’s easy to seem prickly and defensive when there is absolutely no one in your life at this point in time that would be bothered to listen to your deepest worries, even if you trusted them, and not be judgemental or dismissive.

@CobaltQueen I hear you.

Wind your neck in @CherubEarrings. Mumsnet is all about offering different perspectives and nothing you have quoted there is "disgusting".

It’s not just you. I also find it hard to make connections with people. I suppose I’m “lucky” as due to cultural aspect I had an arranged marriage so I have a DH and children but if I had not been born into this culture I would have been exactly like you. I remember when I went to university I spent all my time in my room by myself so I can understand what you going through. Please have hope and I will PM you and we can talk in more detail if you feel like it. If you don’t respond I won’t take offence but just want to let you know there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone xx

I am sorry to hear you are so miserable. I don't understand what you mean about the suggestions people make about classes, church, rambling, hobbies, volunteering etc being unhelpful, as this is where we all meet our friends. You say people suggest things they wouldn't do themselves, but I think people suggest things that they actually have done themselves.

My best friends were made through work, hobbies, volunteering and baby activities. Not through family.

I don't think people have that "natural support network" you are talking about automatically. Even If you have a large family, it makes no difference to you socially by the time you are an adult. if you are having supportive, meaningful relationships with family members, you have worked on that, just the same as any friendship.

I have no regular contact with my family now, as none of the surviving relatives live in the same country as me.

Do you have a job OP? That is a good way to meet people, so if you are not meeting people, then maybe a different job might help?

Yes, the depth of it is truly awful and most people don't have a clue. I do wonder if sometimes other people can sense this and it's off-putting to them - does anyone else feel that?

Sometimes the clichéd suggestions do help, so for example with evening classes, my tip is to do courses that have an experiential element, where you have to do practical tasks with others like counselling. I've met some friends that way.

@BeaRF75 what you're referring to is enjoying your own company/solitude and it sounds like you don't get enough in your life. Most people need a degree of quiet time/on their own. That is VERY different to the soul crushing loneliness OP is describing. You don't know that if she was constantly mixing, she wouldn't need down time. Your post is totally off kilter and you simply don't know what you're talking about.

The poster is just telling the truth. There are so many places and opportunities for meeting people, the OP isn't using those.

Dear @CobaltQueen I too am sorry you feel so lonely. I don't think you are looking for advice so I won't offer any. Just letting you know that I think it is hard and yes most people won't really understand. Despite all our supposed ways to connect, a lot of people find it hard to make new deep connections as everyone seems so afraid to commit to anything. I hope things improve for you and I am rooting for you.

Also some posters are such fecking heartless p888ks!

Another one with a lack of emotional intelligence.

You think that post was OK? The OP making it all about themselves.

No she isn't, she's coming across as sad, disillusioned and exasperated by the lack of emotional support and connection in her life.

It’s not easy for some people to put themselves out there and meet new people. If you’ve had no support all your life you don’t feel able to do this.

Yes @CobaltQueen I understand, I am in a different age group to you but I get it.
The suggestions about Salsa or pottery or getting a bloody dog are only ways of passing the time. What we have to devise for ourselves is how to have a a new purpose in our lives when it looks as if the rest of the world is complete and 'they don't need us'.
We have to generate some curiosity from within us. It must come from us, deep within ourselves we need to find it.
Last year I thought my interest in history was going to be strong enough and I set myself a project. After 6 months I realised that wasn't enough as I was studying alone. I still like history and where I live has links to one of the least well known events of English history. I will carry on but at a lower intensity and carry on looking for something more.
PM me if interested in swapping ideas.

Long term single and have generally made best of what I can but real, sustained loneliness is incredibly hard. When I have had people stay with me or been away with others I have realised that that alone alleviates any depression v significantly. I find trying to be physically healthy helps a lot. Also low effort interactions, for example park run. You are around people but you’re not under pressure. Good place to start. It’s hard. Don’t give up hoping for something better. A few small changes can make a big difference Try to keep mixing because as you say, if you don’t it gets harder.

You are very right. I have DD but she's a teen and doesn't want to hang either me as much. My family are quite distant and no partner.

The other day I made myself go to an art market event in my town, and it just made me feel worse seeing all the happy families/couples/ friend groups. So TBH I don't bother mostly with this stuff.

I don't think a lot of people understand real loneliness particularly if they have spouse/big families. Would love to go for a summer evening walk and a chat, but no-one to do it with.