To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

@BeaRF75
"I'll agree that I don't understand loneliness, but it's partly because this scenario is so appealing. The thought of 48 hours, or longer, without speaking to anyone is my idea of heaven - and I'd also go through the self-service checkout to avoid having to speak to anyone!
But the world is very much split between people who enjoy life alone, and those who don't. And neither can understand the other."

Really??!! And what about the next 48 hours? And the next? And then add in a few more? And then (shock, horror) not being able to say when those days will ever end?!

No wonder lonely people feel dispirited about posting.

Op, I get it. It's really hard. I moved to the other side do the world to go back to family and my one best friend. Because that's the life I was facing.

I still am, to an extent, but not quite so severely as you are. I have 2 teenage boys and when they leave home..... my siblings rarely speak to me. They're too busy with their lives and friends.

It took a hell of a lot of effort but I joined a book club. Gave me the opportunity to meet likeminded people. They're not friends though. Don't miss me if I'm not there, but it is an "evening out".

Another thing I will be doing is joining in with some board game groups that run on Saturdays. Just need my sons to get their driver's licence and free me up from taxi duties. They were advertised on "meet up". I joined the mailing list and am getting notifications now so when I'm ready I will pop into one. That's the sort of thing it's ok to go to on your own I think. Movies, theatre etc on my own would just make me feel more lonely.

This is just a thought, but do you think that loneliness, on the scale that OP has described, is a reason why some people choose the wrong partner, not just once but repeatedly? There may be times in a person's life when they are feeling very lonely, and someone reaches out to them, and they are so pleased that someone has made an effort to connect with them, that they see this person as the answer to their problem(s). The person who has reached out might be totally unsuitable, but the lonely person just can't see this, and think they have found their soulmate.

I do feel similar to you, but I also feel like I’m not sure what you want posters here to say to you? Ultimately they can’t do anything to help your situation. Their suggestions are likely to be well meaning even if not well received. It’s understandable that people can’t relate to you if they haven’t experienced what you’ve gone through. Your situation is unfortunately quite extreme and distressing.

For me personally, my only advice is being present for other people and making memories. Sometimes I realise that when I’m stuck in my negative headspace, I’m not being a good friend to others and that makes the separation and distance worse.

I don't mean to be rude or dismissive to PPs but suggesting therapy and counselling isn't helpful.
There are so many people in this situation, young adults to old who don't see the outside world and have no one to really speak too.

What about talking to your gp. They can offer social prescribing so you get to meet lots of people in the same position as you

Did you even read the post? op clearly states it isn’t as easy as just putting yourself out there and the first response is “join a club”.

How can you call someone disgusting over a simple comment? This poster lacks emotional intelligence because they are the opposite to OP do they? Have a word 🤦‍♀️

OP, I sympathise. I was single for years and the pain I felt when I was always the only one at family get-togethers with no partner yet again, year in, year out, at Christmas, Easter, birthdays was excruciating. I would be buying heaps of presents for my mum, dad, DSis, DBiL, DB, DSiL, and all the nephews and nieces, and get a couple of small generic gifts in return. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

But I do disagree with you on one thing. You say people suggest doing things they'd never do themselves - joining clubs and vilunteering. But I always did that sort of thing. As soon as I move to a new place the first thing I do is to sign up for some evening classes, sign up to volunteer for at least two organisations, and find some fitness classes.

It doesn't necessarily lead to close friendship or love, it's true. But it does keep you busy, out in the world, connected with the world and with society. And it often leads to some level of socialising beyond the routine activities, which can eventually lead to friendship. Ime, you have to cast a wide net for a long time to find close friends and they are so often the people you least expect they will be.

I understand op. No friends not a single one for years and years. Try reaching out online to friends from long ago and they all ghost.
My comment probably doesn't help much but just so you know you're not the only one in this shitty situation

I am not in this position now, OP, but I have been in the past and it is very, very hard. Sending hugs to you, and wishing for love and company and community for you. ❤️

I'm really sorry you are feeling so lonely @CobaltQueen ❤

Loneliness is crushing and soul destroying xx

Just remember it's not you. Sometimes, we experience losses, and sometimes we move, or work in circles where people have their own lives, and have no room for anyone else. It's there but for the grace of whoever you believe in for so many xx

You know, we ogten see others surrounded by people, seemingly having a great time, and it seems like they have it all, but sometimes the most lonely times in my life have been when I'm surrounded by others. I know it is different when it is always though xxx And sometimes we just need that big hug.

I heard it said that our only true partner in life is ourselvef so we need to be friends with ourself first. Treat ourselves like we would treat any friend and be kind to ourselves like we would them. Look after ourselves like we would look after others. I think sometimes friendships happen when we are not looking for them = following our purpose for the pure enjoyment of whatever that is, and then if we are lucky, like minded people will find us.

I don't wish to be one of those people with easy suggestions, and invalidate what you are going through though. I know it's horrible.

Here's a big hug from me. Never ever forget that you are beautiful, kind, and absolutely more than worthy xxx Tell yourself that every morning when you wake up. xxx

This sounds really hard for you OP. I'm someone who has always joined the random cubs when I've moved to a new area, just to get out on an evening and for me it did help me to meet people. I've also got a dog and now know every other dog and it's owner in the local area. I know it's probably not what you want to hear but it has worked for me when I've known nobody. If I was in the same situation again, alongside making sure I've got a job outside of the house, I would use the same strategy.

Loneliness is one of the scourges of our society.

I don't think people's advice is necessarily bad. It's mainly about increasing the chances of connecting with someone.

But I would add something to that. A lot of the research on things like friendship suggests the most important element is meeting or seeing the same people regularly. Most people who fit this description will be people you work with, or people who live in your neighborhood, something like that. Certain kinds of long term activities an work too, but you need time to do things like chat. ParkRun, say, might not fit the bill.

For me, I've found outside of work, the most reliable place I've met people is church - but even there it took several years of attending one parish and getting to get to form some real friendships and find a place. It was the seeing the same people week after week, and chatting in the nursery and such that create the opportunity for friendships.

I totally get you OP.
iv accustomed to being more of a "loner" at this moment in my life. Thats because people have continuously shat on me and my children, I barely trust anybody these days.
i blame single parenthood which is incredibly isolating, also losing touch with others, not alot in common, single parents get alot of stigma actually. Its especially hard when you have little family support. People are just draining at times!!

i think as we age our friendships get even smaller dont they. Not sure if you have any kids OP?
i say, embrace your own company, enjoy the solitude and drama free moments.
your people are out there! And you will find them!

stop comparing yourself to others!!! I can tell youv got some sort of story behind you, and this wont be forever.

i hope you meet some great people soon! You arent alone!

I hear you, OP, as I have had periods of my life like this. I remember one occasion in my 20s when I had no plans for a weekend other than a volunteer session on the Saturday morning and turning up for that and being sent to do a task by myself. Afterwards, I went to B&Q to buy some seeds and a man and his daughter were trying to decide what to buy and I offered some suggestions and had a lovely chat with them for several minutes. Whilst it brightened up my day to think that I had had a genuine connection with them, I was almost in tears on the bus home that the conversation had had that much significance for me.
I did keep trying new things but was always so aware that most people were coming along with a friend. One bank holiday Monday, there must have been 50 or so people on a ramble I did but I was the only one by myself so it turned out to be 6 hours of hoping I could join in with other people's conversations for a short while whilst also appreciating that they wanted to catch up with their mate rather than make polite conversation with a stranger. This just emphasised how separate I was.
I think I always felt obliged to make it look as though I was happy doing things by myself when I was desperately wanting to be one of the people who walked in with a friend or had someone wave at them across the room when they entered. When people did chat to me, I didn't want it to come across how desperate I was for connection so I would speak about the other things I did and hoping the person I was speaking to wouldn't realise that I did all of those things by myself and was equally desperate at those things too. It could make such a difference to my life if the teacher learned my name or made a reference to the fact that I'd missed a week. It made me feel that someone did an actually notice my existence.
I'm now married with teen DC so usually have someone to chat to and am busy. However, I'm conscious that, since Covid, I seem to have lost most of my friends and I really miss someone calling up or messaging just to see how I'm doing or to suggest we do something. When I do see friends, I am always the one to suggest it and find myself only offering certain dates to give the impression that I'm busier than I am rather than highlighting that I don't have any plans from now to the end of the time. It's weird as pre-Covid, I had a lot of friends but now I seem to have lost the knack

You aren't the only one.
Willing to bet you aren't 'useless and unlovable', but it's hard to convince ourselves of our own value when we don't fit the model put forward by society. I'm 66. My 'people' aren't 'out there' to 'find'. I live with the solitude and find what comfort I can in very small things.

That’s so difficult and you describe it so evocatively. Your pain comes through so clearly.

Have you ever had a significant other? Is that something you want for yourself, and if so does it seem possible?

@Meadowwild I had a Christmas like that two years ago. I received no present and the realisation that nobody could be bothered, that nobody thought 'lets get aunt twatalert something nice' really hurt and made me feel so lonely. My brother and SiL handed out presents to the entire family but forgot me. Even worse, my brother never realised or cared. My SiL realised and I could tell she was mortified but we never spoke about it.

I spend Christmas on my own now for this and other reasons.

But that is how people make friends, by "putting themselves out there". People are not roaming the streets randomly popping into other people's houses to see if they need friends. To meet people and make friends you do have to put in some effort.

I understand - early 50s and single, weekends are awful. I work all the time during the week to take my mind off it.

Do you have any pets? Would getting a cat or two for companionship be possible?

Or if you’re not in a relationship, go in dating apps to line up some dates to meet a potential partner?

What a fucking abysmal comment. you’ve clearly not been in the OP’s position and you should be ashamed of your insensitivity.

OP - I’ve been there and it’s awful. Please don’t leave the thread as some of us really do empathise. The loneliness is unrelenting and feels like it’s slowly numbing you to the world.