To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

My DD is autistic, she doesn't have friends but absolutely isn't lonely, I think that many autistic people don't actually want friends and are happy in their own company.

You have the power to change your life OP. There's a good book called "The courage to be disliked" which is based on Adlerian psychology and makes such sense. You are telling yourself that you are lonely because you are not good at making friends but when was the last time you actually asked someone out. Not romantically but just out for a coffee?.
I think it's also wrong of you to say that some people are surrounded by love without having to try. There's a lot of effort involved in maintaining any relationship, be it at work, friendship or family. You have to give a lot of yourself.
I hope you find the courage to put yourself out there.

I get it. I don't have any family, no kids, no partner and WFH (trying to change this). I binned off two local friends recently because I was fed up of them taking the piss. Which leaves one local friend and one local acquaintance. I do have other friends but they live hundreds of miles away.

It can feel like a very lonely life at times. Sometimes it hits me, like when I'm asked for a next of kin and I don't have one. It was my birthday recently and I didn't have anyone to spend it with. Christmas and NY will be on my own again too.

I know I could take myself off to nice restaurants or on holiday but it's a bit daunting. I haven't been on holiday in years. It's hard not to feel sad when I hear people talking about their holidays with their families or partners.

I get involved in volunteering projects though. I recently completed training for one and that led to another, adjacent opportunity. I'll do training for that next month.

I also take myself off for walks in the countryside. I don't enjoy walking in crowded areas at all because it feels like everyone else is in a couple or a group, but I love being out in the middle of nowhere on my own. It's possibly one of the times I feel least lonely.

What helps me is to see any kind of regular social interaction as a gain, even if it doesn't lead to a friendship. I've just started going to a weekly group class and I enjoy the activity and the small talk for what it is rather than expecting to get anything more out of it.

I'm used to it as this is how it's been for most of my life. I've had more birthdays and christmases on my own than not. Being rejected so much as a child has led to me be avoidant so I find connections very difficult to make. I assume people aren't interested in me. I also struggle to trust people.

Just want to say OP that just getting through life with no support and no one to rely on is awful but it can change.
Are you open to dating? Meeting someone can lead to being introduced to different social circles.

I'm really sorry. It hurts doesn't it. Been there. It's them not you though. I don't understand how people can be so thoughtless. xxx

@TreeOfLives it's painful to realise that I have family on paper but in reality i don't. I'm healing from childhood trauma and it's meant giving up the idea of 'family' as I never belonged to begin with. I don't speak to my parents now and have no real relationship with my brother. I'm on my own.

I'm sorry you kind of lost your family too. It is very, very hard and the people suggesting to put yourself out there don't get it.

@Sunshineandrainbows23 thank you for your kind words. You are right. That one Christmas was just one incident that highlighted something much bigger. I don't seek out family relationships now. It's done now.

Have you thought of maybe doing some volunteer work with other people, an old people's home or a pet shelter if you like animals. Both of these places will be where the recipients will want company. Maybe girl guides or scouts, something where it requires people interaction. If you are afraid of this, what about something over the phone or online, like a samartians help line or something where people want to talk to someone

Do you like cats or dogs? I know you seem to have rejected volunteering as an option but if you like animals, please consider volunteering with an animal charity. You will meet more like minded people and your situation is not that unusual among them.

We can't control the life situation we are born into. People might be born into big families, some small families, single parent households etc. I was born into an extremely small family and also a situation where I felt very lonely. The personalities of my family members contributed I guess to me feeling more isolated. That wasn't my fault but just chance. Some people are born into loving, big, supportive families and again it is just luck. I'm rambling but I do understand OP that it is out of our control and just chance what our birth and family circumstances are

I understand OP. During my lifetime so far I was a child who didn’t enjoy socialising and we didn’t get to do that sort of thing outside of the family, so my childhood was just looking after my younger siblings.

I was then as a teenager a lone parent with no support at all and no opportunities to make friends, people will say there are mums on the school run etc yes there maybe but doesn’t mean they speak to you.

I got a dog, that’s supposed to help, all it actually meant is people with dogs crossed the road so never made a friend that way.

I then had a career, whilst being a parent, but made no friends that way either and once work was over had to do the parent things.

i then met my partner but work meant he was away Mon-Fri every week so weekends we spent together so even if I had of had friends I’d not have been able to see them then and my peers by then had younger kids and husbands etc. My child grew up and left for uni and I’d just be in the house alone all week every week.

I’m now in my 50s. I am estranged from my family, the only contact I have is a phone call with one parent once a week. All my siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles etc do not have any meaningful contact with me. I did try texting some of them a few weeks back, was really anxious doing that even, but all that happened is I had a nasty comment passed on to me by the parent I speak to on the phone from a sibling and I ended up crying for a week. So I won’t be texting again.

My one best friend since school now no longer ever wants to see me. I live with my partner still and my adult child has moved back in with us due to col. they both work full time and have their own hobbies so I’m still alone.

I have nothing to say that will help or be a comfort but just to let you know you are not alone, many of us know what it is like.

And for other people commenting yes I’ve tried classes and coffee mornings but it doesn’t work out. and going out seeing groups of happy families makes it even more heartbreakingly sad as I feel even more alone. I try to say hello or good morning to people as much as I can and I don’t even usually get a response.

Loneliness is a state of mind I think to a degree - and there are various ways that people feel and interpret 'loneliness'. Yes sometimes I feel a bit sad or even a bit mad at my 'socially isolating' circumstances but overall it's just down to cirumstance and no one else can work their way through them better than me.

I'm a gregarious loner by nature and very marmite which reduces my friendship pool to maneageable levels. I am unable to fathom how so many people are reliant on others for their own identity and ability to get through life.

Solitude can be a virtue OP - a strength that draws people to you - no need to feel lonely.

Can I just say thank you to @CobaltQueen for being so brave in starting this thread. I think reading people's experiences can make us feel less alone, even if they aren't exactly the same xxx

It’s not easy. I wouldn’t assume the people you know in relationships aren’t lonely, either. I was so cripplingly lonely in one relationship that I did everything I could to find connections outside the relationship, including penpals. I ended up making some new friends (and losing some of those new ones along the way) and rekindling a very old childhood friendship which has lasted the years.
What no one tells you is that all friendships require work. It’s like any relationship. Don’t expect friends to fall in your lap. They require effort and care, consistency, reciprocity and sometimes compromise. Yes it’s work, but yes, it’s worth it for the right people. It is difficult to make friends as an adult, but it is definitely possible - I have made several good ones over the years, in between all the duds and fairweather friends (who are just as important for connections day to day, don’t
underestimate these types of friendships).

You are NOT useless and unlovable and this feeling is NOT uncommon. Let me assure you of that first.
At the risk of sounding cliche, you have to start from within. If you batter yourself with these constant negative thoughts, you become them.
Headspace is a meditation app and I slip on my headphones when I am alone (often) and listen to a 10 minute daily course of my choice. (Not an ad btw - This app was recommended to me by a cardiologist who was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition. He had surgery and recovered but suffered negative psychological effects and swore that this helped) He was also one of the most positive and inspirational individuals I encountered during a really traumatic (and very lonely) time in my life. And he was simply a customer at work, who one day crossed my path and who was going through his own trauma.
Not everyone likes meditation apps of course, but there are other ways you can work on empowering yourself. I've done walking, watching inspirational videos, forcing a smile when I don't want to (and for no particular reason), listening to an upbeat song, and throwing myself into work and study - generally keeping my mind occupied - all tactics to outsmart that impending sense of gloom (and sometimes doom)
I've done so much work on me to train my brain to feel empowerment that I no longer feel as bothered if/when I dont have company.
And rather strangely, I have realised that being somewhat unobtainable (and enjoying the feeling) but with a postive mindset, I appear to invite more people to want to know/be friendly with me! The difference is, I respond when I want and in confidence and not because I feel 'grateful'. Start to look at yourself in a different way and from a different perspective and that (positive) change will come naturally, I promise! 🤍

Yep - I'm probably 'tone deaf' @TreeOfLives - maybe that's why I'm all alone so thanks for that 'tip', I'm sure my 4 walls of loneliness will be happy to berate me too.

Nothing wrong with coming up with an additional pov which may or may not be useful to the OP is there?

For all you know, criticizing me so directly could propel me further down a dark tunnel.

That sounds incredibly hard, op.

I hope you manage to conquer your loneliness & find some wonderful friends. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Hey OP I am in this situation as you, except to manage it I moved to a different country! Spoiler... this did not help.

When it bites it bites hard. For me its when planning holidays, Christmas and not having someone to put as your emergency contact that brings down the shame of not being a functional human being.

Developing long lasting deep reliable connections takes time, consistency and willingness on both parties. When my close friends started to get married and have kids then of course their friendships get put on the back burner and it was so much more work for me, and if someone canceled a real loss. I have a couple of friends that I could call but am very aware that I am not a priority for anyone.

I have improved over the last few years. It got a lot better when I used the Hanlon's razor (assume ignorance over malice) and I was able to get past that nasty feeling that no-one cares and was able to keep turning up. I now am part of a pub quiz team and a singing group, and some of that has developed past the activities. My self esteem and confidence has also grown a lot this year which has helped to be consistent and to handle toxic situation when they arise.

I know it's hard but you have to put yourself out there. I have suffered from social anxiety since my teens. Spent my 20/30s not going out and in my 40's started joining groups etc. it's been bloody tough and nearly 10 years later I've finally started to make friends.

It's hard when there cliques and you feel like the outsider, nobody talks to you. I've had to go upto people and talk to them, you have to approach people, stop waiting for people to contact you and invite them or invite yourself if you hear about an event. I still have good/bad days and come home and cry as feel so alone.

Google for groups or organisations in yr area, that support people with mental health, loneliness as it's easier with people who understand what you're going through. She if your doctor has a social prescriber worker whose job is to help with loneliness.

I've tried it all walking, running, cycling, cinema , gardening groups, board games, meet up, craft groups, Inner wheel, WI, walking netball, walking football, Tuneless choir, Find groups with mind, canal trust, football clubs, libraries. I know it maybe hard if you're in a scheduled area.

I've met 100s off people and clicked with about 2 people in 10 years, who I got on with and started doing stuff together, outside groups we met.

But don't give up, you'll have to attend events many times to get to know people. I wanted everyone to like me but that's not going to happen.

I wish you luck, I've never tried meeting people online as it's not my thing but that's other option.

Absolutely soul destroying to shut the door of your home with the realisation that you are totally alone and will not have any contact with anyone and that you matter so little to anybody else. All the more difficult as you get older, retire, are infirm etc. Many many people in this situation and the majority I think find it so difficult to try and reach out or be the one that instigates conversations for fear of rejection. But if you can please try and fake it till you make it. Hold yourself with confidence when out and about. Make a point of smiling and eye contact. Cheerfully say hello, what a gorgeous garden, lovely dog. Pretend life is good and fingers crossed it soon will be. Good luck Op, lots of positive vibes xx

This is such a good post. This is kind of what I was trying to say about being your own best friend first, but much better!

I like the meditation apps too. My fave is Great Meditations on YouTube. Mostly just 10 mins, but they work wonders. I never thought I could do them, but this one seemed to click for some reason ... Lovely story about your cardiologist.

I feel you sending hugs

I am surprised at people asking how someone could end up in this position. I think it could happen to anyone really, just a few things in life go a certain way and there you are. I certainly don’t think it says anything about the person who is in this lonely position, it doesn’t make them odd or any different to anyone else. Please never feel that this is because something is wrong with you OP.

Sometimes someone says "hello" to me when I'm out walking and I croak a reply. It's because I haven't spoken to anyone at all in 2-3 days. My voice seizes up!

Drop me a DM if you want to chat at all.

Sorry but that's the worst advice - for anyone feel low, dating apps can make you feel x 100 worse.