To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

In fact I'm looking to go back to shift work as a nurse because weekends/BH/Christmas etc are very empty for me, and I might as well get the extra money!

Yes I do think it was ok. As I said, different perspectives. Otherwise what's the point of posting? The OP has had tons of empathetic and thoughtful responses in the mix.

What I don't think is ok is saying to someone "you are disgusting" for an innocuous comment on a discussion thread.

I'm derailing the thread now so will stop. Apologies OP and I hope you find a way to feel that human connection soon ❤️

OP, I’m so sad to read this. Have you considered getting a therapist? It’s someone to talk to, regularly, and could be so helpful.

Another thing - what about a dog? You would meet people training the dog and there are always dog walking clubs around you could do daily?

I’m sure it’s not easy to take a step and these things are easier said than done, but it must be possible to make one change.

Do you have a job?

I really hope someone can help you on this thread.

But how do you know that other people haven’t had to work very hard to forge relationships? Many of us aren’t ‘naturally’ surrounded by love and friendship, it’s the result of unpicking negative childhood scripts about relationships learned from critical, withdrawn, abusive or timid parents, and repeatedly putting ourselves out there, over and over again, dealing with rejection etc.

I think if you are low it becomes v hard to meet people, I found it terribly awkward. I found depression fed social anxiety and you get in a spiral. Thankfully support is out there.

@CobaltQueen I totally get it. I have been long term single (over 10 years) after an abusive relationship, followed by stalking. All people I would consider friends are married and do things with their husbands and children on weekends.

Feel free to PM me

I had the same university experience as you, and was vividly reminded of it when the OP wrote of it "physically hurting" when she saw acquaintances having great social lives. That's exactly how it felt to me as well.

Marriage didn't save me, but I had DS young and I haven't felt lonely since. However, he is now the age I was when he was born (23) and is preparing to move out, as is DD1 (19). I kind of feel like my adult life has come full circle, and I hope I won't feel the way I felt before. I don't think so, because I've been very busy trying to re-establish my life and build a career in a new country, and busyness is the antidote to unhelpful introspection IMHO. (Or I could just try salsa dancing into Mass on Sunday, but I'm not sure those sort of "helpful" tips are very useful in reality!)

I agree with you that there probably isn't anything wrong with the OP. PPs implying that a lonely person must have some hideous personality defect that makes everyone run for the hills are naïve or trolling. I know plenty of unpleasant people IRL who aren't short of friends and family, and the internet is full of threads started by seemingly nice, normal people who say they have nobody. I don't have the solution, but I feel like this is a predicament that anybody could find themselves in after a move or a breakup, or simply if they come from an unsupportive family.

I hear you too OP. I've felt crushing loneliness, still do occasionally but I am happier with my life now and how I fill my time. When I'm feeling down I just try to tell myself I won't feel that level of down forever. What changed for me is I just happened to end up working with a group of people around my age also without kids and we all enjoy each other's company. But that was luck. The other thing that changed was I invested in my passion (partly because I now have the money to!), and I feel very fortunate to have the health and income for that. When I couldn't do my hobby for nearly two years in the pandemic I literally wanted to die. I felt like my life was completely empty.

And some well meaning but slightly patronising suggestions don't really help. I love dancing and spending all my money and time at dance classes, including the aforementioned salsa; while people are generally friendly it's not great for deep and meaningful connections. I also get why someone single and lonely wouldn't want to spend time working for free volunteering and giving themselves physically and emotionally for nothing in return. I've done quite a lot of volunteering and just meet married/retired people who toddle back off to family life after the activity, they don't go there to find people to hang out with chilling at other times.

That's not to say volunteering and salsa and whatever are pointless and meaningless, but it's quite hard to form meaningful relationships, and it's easy to spiral into feeling even worse about yourself if you still don't find your tribe.

I think you need to keep on making the effort. The reality is that unless you have young dependent children, no one really needs anyone. Someone can have loads of friends but when it comes down to it each individual prioritises their own lives. Even husbands and wives can lead quite separate lives in many cases.

Maybe start thinking about what you could offer to others rather than what they can give to you. Phone old friends or take up an activity locally. Do something you enjoy so that even if you don't make friends you are getting something out of it. And come off social media - it only makes it seem worse

Exactly with loneliness often depression sets in and that spiral of not wanting to mix with people because of the depression only adds to the loneliness.
It's a vicious cycle and hard to break out of .
Perhaps a GP appointment and explore what help is out there and take it from there.wishing you all the best op.

The thought of 48 hours, or longer, without speaking to anyone is my idea of heaven

Yes, fair enough, we all like some time to ourselves.

Now think of the foreseeable future, maybe the rest of your life without speaking to anyone.

That's loneliness.

Do you remember lockdown? How you couldn't see your friends and family?

That's what some people's whole lives are like.

@PhoebeFeels thank you for your post. You have articulated exactly how I feel at times. I hope you find your next interesting project. Mine are not that interesting but here goes. I am trying to look forward to moving to a new house but there is lots of work to do to it to get it habitable. It’s stressful but it’s giving me purpose.
When I am settled my future plan is to clear a small rubbish strewn area near my new house. The council is uninterested in it and don’t maintain it. I am going to put nice planter there and fill it with cheerful plants.I won’t have my current large garden to maintain so will make a new small garden at my new house.I hate ‘putting myself out there’ but I will try and join the volunteers who look after other planters and hanging baskets in the town.I hope you have managed to read the kind posts @CobaltQueen .

@hi2416

Well said, how kind.

May I add a different perspective here OP? I think loneliness is on the contrary much more pervasive than you would believe. In fact , you might feel better if you realized that loneliness is something you share with lots of people.
Each one of us is an island, surrounded by other islands. So in that sense you are not alone! Be gentle with yourself and realize that you are not an oddity or unusual for having these feelings. Accept yourself as you are. You are OK. And remember nothing is permanent, you will eventually get passed this.

Well I have absolutely no one in my life to listen to my deepest worries, but I am not prickly and defensive. I am more alone than OP who lives with her step dad. I have no parents, so partner, no children, no sibilings. I do have a small group of friends (mostly people I worked with) who I meet for coffee every few weeks, but they all have families and I don't discuss my worries with them. I am retired and most days my interactions are only with people in shops or maybe I might meet someone I know on the street. If I became seriously ill I have no support network. I just get on with it, I don't sit around and mope. The time may come when I feel I need more people in my life, at that stage I will make an effort to find people. No-one actually needs to be lonely, there are plenty of places to interact with others but you have to be prepared to go out and look, you can't expect them to come to you.

I completely understand OP, it is crushing but I've got used to it now. I'm very long term single and currently have agoraphobia so can't leave the house.

I live by myself and don't have any friends. Even when I could leave the house and worked, I was still lonely.

I've done a lot; travelled a lot and done lots of activities but am very lonely. It's led me to make stupid mistakes and have relationships with toxic people because I enjoy the company.

I can't remember the last time I had a hug or shared my feelings with someone in real life.

Could you have some counselling to explore your sense of self-worth and see how that might be impacting your relationships with other people. I'm saying this because you mentioned being used and tossed aside when someone 'better' comes along.

It sounds like you have your health, though, which puts you at a massive advantage over people like me, who are disabled and mostly housebound.

I have a family, but I'm always so ill, no one really spends time with me. I spend every day staring at four walls and I'd give anything for a mate to pop over and sit on the bed with me for a movie and Chinese food.

It's a shame there isn't a befriending service for people like you who are able to get out and about, to befriend people like me, who can't. You could always volunteer for Age Concern's befriending service, but you'd be visiting people a bit older.

I don't think most posters understand real loneliness.

I'll end up one of those bodies that's found that's been dead for ages because no one noticed.

If you live with anyone or work with others you still have some human contact.

There are people that have no family and no friends.

I admit I have never quite been where you are OP but there have been times when I've felt very isolated which was not a great time so I have some understanding and empathy.

Your situation sounds hard. Where about do you live?

OP I understand you. I grew up completely neglected and my parents had no real friendships. I never learnt being social. I'm not shy and I'm not autistic but I don't understand how other people makes friends relatively quickly.

So apart from not having many friends I feel this deep loneliness inside that I believe I will carry the rest of my life. It doesn't matter if I'm with someone. I always feel lonely.

Its not your fault, but unfortunately as adults we are now responsible for undoing any damage that might have been done earlier. I'm NC with my parents. I get it. I would meet you for coffee in a heartbeat x

I'm another one like this, it's awful, and much as I'd like to meet people, having to explain I have no friends is awful.
I do lots on my own, and enjoy it, but the in between is horribly lonely.

I understand and I’m sorry you’re going through this.