To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

That's a nice easy solution

Its only easy if its something you can already do- people who are chronically lonely probably don't find this easy.

The OP is not looking for a solution, she just wants to be heard and validated in her feelings. We can't fix this for her, but we can help her feel valued by showing that we listened.

I was fortunate: I did meet and marry. My husband died three years ago: I'm now on my own.

For many years, I was working full-time and caring for my parents and then my husband. My social circle shut down apart from work colleagues. I finished up retiring early because of my husband's health and my boss's unwillingness to cut my hours.

I have no siblings and no children of my own. I do have a couple of older friends, but they have their own families and lives. I made another couple of friends. One was absolutely intent on bullying me - though I'm sure she didn't see it that way. Once she knew she wasn't getting her own way, she ceased contact.

The other friend - another colleague - I'm in contact with from time to time, but (again) I've had to avoid being a pushover.

So - no judgement from me, OP. Sometimes life doesn't quite work the way you expect.

You're still young and I hope that you'll be able to broaden your social circle.

I do understand where you're coming from. One day, I bought myself a Chinese take-away. The woman behind the counter asked if I was okay....I explained that it would have been my Pearl Wedding that week. She took my hands and gripped them. I nearly burst into tears on the spot.

I felt this way for quite a long time, OP

It may or may not be interesting to you that I'm still alone and far more isolated than I was then. I don't feel lonely now, however, and I respond normally to human touch. Hurrah. What brought this change?
.. antidepressants
.. therapy
.. talk helplines
.. talking to myself (really!)

It might not feel like this is relevant for you - but have you talked to your GP about it?

PPs' suggestions above are good, as well. Maybe try a bit of everything. You deserve to feel at ease with your life. Good luck.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

@Ger1atricMillennial Sorry I was being sarcastic

It's a terrible suggestion

I have my will sitting on my mantelpiece...

I do have cousins, but most of them are older than I am. Their grandchildren don't really know me.

I'm fortunate in that I occasionally see my late husband's brother and SIL, but they live many miles away.

One of my cousins has heavily hinted that I should organise a direct cremation for myself. I think I'm still going to organise a 'proper' cremation service, just for my own sake. If no one is there other than the celebrant, so be it.

My late husband has children and an adult grandchild, but they told me they couldn't come to his funeral because of lockdown. (They would have been allowed, in actual fact and they had the means to attend.) I was very obliging until about 3 months after the funeral when I finally cracked. It's a long story, but they're no longer in touch with me.

i'm going to organise my funeral to suit myself.

Thank you. I just love your username so much! I sometimes listen to YouTube meditations at night-time too (I leave it running while I drift off thinking/hoping that my mind might absorb it all while I sleep! 😊) I'll have to listen to your recommendation 🤍
Oh, and short silly comedy sketches - I find they help with lightening my mood when I need it.

I'm going to assume you're talking about yourself, and I'm going to give you a straightforward answer, even though you may not like it.

First, I think people who are lonely may well PREFER to think others don't understand. That makes it easy to think, Oh, I'm a special person with special insights, and you are just too dense to grasp the reality of the situation.

Second, I think what may be hard for others would be to understand why people STAY lonely. Technically, of all our problems, this is a comparatively easy one to try to deal with. It's not like being blind or paraplegic or homeless. As you say, there are a host of standard suggestions and solutions.

But, really, if we're asking about what's "reasonable," is it reasonable that we all expect easy quick solutions to the immediate problem? You're absolutely right that it doesn't always work out - in fact, maybe it mostly doesn't work out. But isn't that true of everything? None of us would be silly enough to expect our first time job-hunting to immediately result in the perfect job.

It's unfortunately a sad fact that the tendency in modern life is toward things that are likely to make us lonelier. And no one is immune. Someone can have an idyllic marriage and then suddenly find herself widowed. All we can do is soldier on. And, by the way, part of the idea is to choose activities doing something you enjoy or something you think is meaningful, so you get that pleasure even if you don't make connections.

Oh shit sorry.... I thought it was like the groups and coffee morning people.

OP, I'm not going to suggest that you go to a club. However, the one thing that has helped me to an extent is to join an exercise class. I've not made friends with folk there, but I sometimes chat to people there and I always feel better after having had 45 minutes of exercise, to the extent that I've taken out a gym pass.

It took me all my time to force myself to go, but I'm glad that I did. You might want to try something similar if you can find something in your area - not even a class with other people, but just getting a gym induction might help? Not in the sense of meeting people, but I do find that exercising lifts my mood.

Sorry if that comes across as patronising - it's not meant to be. I'm just throwing it out as a suggestion.

@WearyAuldWumman

I totally get it. 💐💐💐

It really isn’t that unusual and it’s not just you, believe me.

@CobaltQueen OP, you are completely right on everything and you have expressed and articulated single life far better than I ever could.

I believe every person on mumsnet should pause and reflect on your words, and give them due consideration.

This is just an aside for those who dread Christmas alone:

If you have the means, from now until 1 December, start ordering yourself some treats. Need not be costly; I focus on used books via Amazon, home spa or beauty products, craft supplies, candles, incense, DVDs, pet toys if you have a pet, puzzles, tech gadgets like a bluetooth speaker, maybe a pashmina, whatever does it for you.

When they arrive just put them away unopened. In a box under the bed, closet, garage, etc. Resist the urge to look.

Even if they aren't wrapped in pretty paper, by the time you open them on December 25 there will be at least a small element of surprise (if you are as forgetful as I am) and you'll have some treats to eke out over the day. This gambit has really saved the day on the Christmases I have spent alone since most of my family members died.

I really prefer a home alone Christmas with food treats, my few self-ordered present, Christmas/classic films or carols, candles and other comforts to being a fifth wheel perched on the edge of someone else's sofa.

Same for New Year's Eve: have a plan that involves comforts, treats and pampering.

I’m sorry @kitchendiscotime but the way your post was written sounded extremely flippant. When people are in despair, as the OP sounds, it is not a good attitude to adopt.

You sounded like a Jilly Cooper character “oh there’s you complaining about losing two stone because of chemo - and me wishing I could lose a bit of weight”.

Someone has tried to explain to you that @CobaltQueen would perhaps crave some downtime if her interaction bank account was all used up; but that is not the case.

If your first response to @CobaltQueen’s original post is not to make you feel very sad, then really you weren’t reading it carefully enough.

I ended up feeling like you do for many years after I was relocated for my safety. I was in no state of mind to even try to get to know people for a long time. It really tests you, living like that. But the good news is that I finally, and slowly, started making connections with people. My circle is still very small, and I actively choose to be by myself a lot of the time. And the bonus is that when you have lived with that kind of loneliness, you realise that you are all you need, and that really helps with boundaries when it comes to friendships and relationships. This won’t be forever, I promise, the right people will come along. I realise I sound a bit of a barking mad hippy, but I felt it was a very difficult life lesson from the universe, and only when I had been through the process of acceptance did the right people start coming along.

I Don't understand from a personal experience but have seen it with my own eyes. I work on an elderly ward and I have seen many patients over the years who literally have no one. No next of kin to ring in an emergency, no friends, family or even neighbours who are there for them. We usually get red Cross involved prior to discharge. I know people are complaining about pp's suggesting groups/ churches etc but not sure what else there is to suggest. You can make friends that way, or online friendship groups/ charities/ events in your area ❤

I understand OP. I live overseas, no one nearby. It’s really, really hard. I work, volunteer, go to the gym, etc. At most, polite ‘we should have coffee’ - then when you follow up and invite someone for that coffee they run a mile. The loneliness can be physically painful. You don’t sound prickly at all - you sound like someone who’s had to put up defences to protect yourself from the constant rejection and the hurt caused by the loneliness. People who’ve never been truly lonely don’t understand how utterly, utterly exhausting it is to feel that constant isolation.

This is how you make friends. I have my best friend ever now, but years ago we had to meet and make an effort to be in each others lives to become the best ever friends we are now. We both hate other people and situations, but we had to make effort to become best friends x

That's such a good idea, a befriending service! I for one would love to visit a new friend watching films eating Chinese food. I'm sorry you're in this position ❤

I'm sorry you're facing loneliness in addition to your physical challenges. (Perhaps many don't think about that impact of ill health. Or even be under a misapprehension that someone with physical limitations might be more supported via care services, volunteers, relevant organisations than someone without)?
I hope that you have some support from a carer. Are there no organisations in your area with a befriending programme for <50 adults? (I'm guessing you're 20/30s, though being on mumsnet could be 40s or 50+)? MIND have a directory that it might be worth checking; ditto local churches, if you've not already? (I'm a befriender after answering a church group appeal in our local paper (though religion or lack of plays no part, neither I nor my befriendees were/are). Nor that old (>50, but only 55 & 60 when we met); both also lived with family, but had health and mobility difficulties. Mostly I visit, sat on sofa or end of their bed, sometimes we just have a call. Is becoming a telephone befriender something you could consider? A call is all that some people want. I realise that wouldn't help your desire for physical company yourself though).
I hope you can find/develop some local support and ultimately friendships. Speaking to MIND might be a good start?

I really prefer a home alone Christmas with food treats, my few self-ordered present, Christmas/classic films or carols, candles and other comforts to being a fifth wheel perched on the edge of someone else's sofa.

So do I. I spent the last two Christmas Days alone, and loved it. Every time someone asked me what I was doing I told a white lie and made it sound like I was spending time with friends (well I was, my cats!). I have a lovely meal, and make sure I order myself a few nice presents to myself, and I am as happy as can be.

I expect OP has left the thread but if you haven't, I totally hear you.
.Loneliness truly is the scourge of modern life. And only got worse with WFH, increased mobility, the pandemic, everything moving online.

This is a much more helpful response from someone who actually understands what OP is going through (and am also happy things changed for you). Unlike the 'i'd love to be on my own' and 'join salsa' posts which show a complete lack of understanding about what it feels like to be truly lonely.

It's shit OP, really awful. I'm alone in the sense I live alone with no partner or kids and work from home too, but am lucky to have some friends and family. Despite generally being introverted and liking time alone, I do feel crushing loneliness at times, the evenings and weekends often feel very hard and I find it very painful to see people out and about with their families and partners. I get really frustrated with having to make the effort to plan every social interaction I have..it just feels like really hard work. Like you I spend a lot of time wondering where I went wrong, what it is about me that has led me to this place and have a lot of dark days. I did recently get a dog which is helping with the casual low key unplanned connection and forcing me to leave the house, but I love dogs and have wanted one forever so know that isn't for everyone (or possible financially and practically) and ultimately I still feel very lonely at times.
I hope things find a way of feeling easier for you soon

Agree with this re WFH and self service everything means you don't even get basic interaction with people. If you wanted you could completely avoid interacting with another human being which is not a good thing!