To be sad about never having grandkids

[Jjiillkkf]

Aibu reasonable to find it sad that none of my children will have any of their own?

I always tell my children that if they want children (and of course if they are able to have them!!) then thats entirely up to them. I don't care if they have children themselves or not. What I do care about is that they are happy that to me is the most important thing.

My parents were in a similar situation. My siblings are older than me and neither interested in dating or having children. I had a baby late 30s much to my parent’s surprise and delight. I surprised myself wanting a child suddenly after being strongly childfree.

Now I probably have an assortment of judgement on being one and done. Can’t please everyone anymore.

OP, I hope you find peace at some stage with the outcome. I think it is fine and normal to to sad and experience a whole range of emotions about this. I agree with posters though about not guilt-tripping (but it doesn’t sound like you are).

If you want to interact with young children and mums there are some charities including the NCT who train mentors to support new mums. A really worthy thing to do. Also schools alway appreciate volunteers to read with children.

My sister has grandchildren, I don't and probably won't.

Yes she gets joy from them but it also gives her more people to worry about. She worries about the world they're growing up in. I have had enough worries about my own DC, not sure I want another generation to worry about!

I also see the hurt she sometimes feels when she's not invited to something relating to the GC or when she desperately wanted the first GC to stay over but the child's mum didn't want to hand him over for a night. It seems it can be quite fraught with difficulties from what I've seen.

She's also now stuck living where she is because she doesn't want to be a distant grandparent, but she hates where she lives.

People often say GPs get all the good bits and get to hand them back. But GPs are also at the whim of the actual parents! They still have all the worries about their GC while at the same time none of it being within their control. What I've seen of it, I'm not sure I want! Of course if I had a GC I would love them dearly but I'm just as happy without.

Volunteer to listen to children read at your local primary school ? My mum did that and loved it.

Every decision we make has an opportunity cost and something as profound and life changing as having kids will have a massive opportunity cost either way. The subjective element is how you perceive the 'opportunity' you have missed out on.

So basically we are all missing out on stuff all of the time. It's not offensive to point this out. You simply don't value or want the opportunity you are missing out on. Good for you, but don't be so sensitive if people that do value this opportunity think differently. I'm sure you look at the people that do choose to have children and think they are missing out on the fantastic aspects of child free life.

I can completely understand. I’m very family orientate but my family are not. My parents aren’t interested in my daughter and have only met her 3 times (she’s 2.5) saying they “don’t like kids”. My partner comes from a big loving family but his parents are deceased and his siblings are lovely but all have their own kids who are obviously their focus. I’d love to have a surrogate grandparents for our little one. I often think it would be great if there was a way of matching with people who wanted to be grandparents.

I do understand and you are entitled to your feelings of course.

There have been some good ideas on this thread such as volunteering to read with children at a school etc

Only thing is, I might be relieved if I didn’t, seeing the state of the planet now. I think I had my two just before it was really obvious we were fucked. Or before it became obvious to me anyway!

A Couple of local baby groups have recently gone under because no one could take on the responsibility- we would have snapped your hand off. The reality of balancing parenting, work, the pta, the baby group, the toddler group, the after school activities, swim lessons…. Mostly parents are willing to do the open up, tidy away, but finding people to do the admin, the accounts, the charity filing on top of the day job is so hard

It's been thought of many times but not actually happened

I know of people in your position, and they are very sad about it. It's completely understandable.
Primary schools are crying out for volunteers to go in and read to children, this could be a really lovely thing to do.

I have five children aged 21 to 34, four are single, the one who is married is undecided and the youngest is in the forces and will probably not want a family for many years, another feels that even if he met someone the climate crisis means he is concerned about having children.

I am realistic that I may not have grandchildren or I may be too old to be an active grandparent by the time they arrive.

I have made peace with it on the whole, but I was always the house where lots of other children gathered in the school holidays, I worked in Early Years for many years too and I volunteer at a Mother and Baby group too now I have retired. I have been very blessed to have so many children in my life.

You would be warmly welcomed as a volunteer by many organisations and valued so much by young mums who are often living a long way from their own mums. You can make a difference without being a grandparent, and it is such a pleasure to spend time with the little ones.

Having said all that, please allow yourself to be sad, you don’t have to voice it in real life, but your feelings are valid 💐

100%

When I see my poor aunt stuck minding my cousin’s children five or six days a week I always think how nicer her life would be if my cousins never had children.

Not everyone is fullfiled with children.

If you liked having them so much, you should have had at least eight.
It would curb your enthusiasm about babies and made a possibility of having a grandchild much higher.

Definitely volunteer- an active older person with parenting experience is like the gold dust of volunteers! I used to run a playgroup and we would have been SO delighted to have been contacted by you.
You could also volunteer with homestart.

My parents won't. Child rearing looks so shite I don't think they can argue with it. I do think my mum feels weird that her DNA will be snuffed out with me and my sister. She and my dad are only children. End of the tedious road.

You have explained how you feel very eloquently. You are entitled to your feelings.

I would be sad if DD1 did not have children because she wants them so much. Past health issues may make that tricky. I’d feel very sad for her if it did not happen. But not for me.

Being a parent has been defining for me. I have a good, fulfilling, career but parenting has been the big thing. I have 3 children (aged 23, 20 and 13). I have made mistakes but I really gave (and still give) the parenting business 100 per cent, so I do not feel that anything is left undone in that respect. I was an older mother (am 57 now). The thought of grandchildren is quite a remote one for me. I’d love the children obviously. And do everything I could to help. But it’s not a longing I have. Any sadness if my children were childless would be on their account, not mine.

I watch some of my friends, who are already grandparents, running themselves ragged picking gc up from school every day, dropping them off here and there or caring for very small babies/toddlers because their parents have to work full time due to the cost of living and I ask myself "Do I want grandkids?"

I have loved being a mum and thought I wasn't going to be able to have kids but I am really not fussed at all if I become a grandparent. I would much prefer to have a grand-dog if I am truly honest!

I also second what @Evenstar said that so many mums are parenting hours and hours (or continents!) away from their parents. Surrogate grandparents are so precious.

Honestly I'm sure you could find a million parents and kids who would love to have surrogate grandparents. You're worth your weight in gold to them, plus you get all the fun and none of the long term stress.

Of course it is okay to feel sad - you're entitled to your feelings. Like PPs have said, it is not okay to put those feelings onto your children and pressure them in any way - and it sounds like you haven't and wouldn't OP.

You mentioned volunteering at a playgroup that your friends attend with their grandchildren... do it! I attend a lovely church playgroup with my 2yo and there are many women of 'grandparent age' who volunteer there and none of them are there with their own grandchildren (some have them but they live far away, some have grandchildren who are teenagers or even adults now, some don't have any grandchildren or even any children).

Please don’t discuss your sadness with your children.
20 years on and I can still hear my mother telling me that she was suffering too because she was born to have grandchildren. Context? I’d just been stood up for my own wedding 🙄

@Justleaveitblankthen well, yes. There are. I’m heartbroken my son will never graduate school or uni, will never live independently, will never have a career, will never have a meaningful relationship, will likely never tie his own fucking shoes so if it’s ok with you, I’ll be heartbroken about never having grandchildren along with everything else.

@Evenstar That's lovely