To be sad about never having grandkids

[Jjiillkkf]

Aibu reasonable to find it sad that none of my children will have any of their own?

I think my daughter would have a much better life if she didn't have children. From one perspective she has a lovely small daughter and son, lives in a large house, has a successful husband and no money worries.

From another viewpoint, it's very unlikely that one of the two children will ever be able to live independently - because of a marked degree of difference - constant appointments with professionals to get the child's needs met. The other one doesn't want to sleep and seems permanently to have a virus/a fever/teething pains. Trying to get them to eat anything but fromage frais and Weetabix seems impossible. Her husband is a workaholic who doesn't do any of the tough bits of parenting and is always away/out/in a meeting/off with the lads. (He's not a bad man and does love the children but he is also selfish and set in his ways.) Working part-time and looking after the children with little support exhausts her. She doesn't get to do stuff with friends or for herself.

It's as if feminism never happened.

And they're at the other end of the country, so though I am fortunate in being able to see the children - both lovely in their different ways - it really is nothing like my fantasy of being a grandparent.

I think there's a few slightly disingenuous comments here.

Children are delightful, most people who have children love children. Knowing that there will be no more children in your family can be really sad.

But, having those feelings and expressing them to your children/ guilt tripping them are two different things.

So YANBU to be sad, YWBU if you told your children that.

YANBU to feel sad, we can't help how we feel about anything, but YUBVVVVVVVU to convey that sadness to your DC.

How do you know your children will never have children @Jjiillkkf ???

I have 2 DC (both around 30,) one married, (2 and a half years now,) and one getting married in 2025, and both have said they're not sure if they want children, and are not in any hurry to have them! They said they have seen their once fearsome, bold, and ambitious professional friends have babies - and it's wrecked them.

All the kids are feral demons apparently LOL. I said 'well you two were fab kids and I never regretted a single second of having you, and neither did your dad! I'm sure any kids you have will be fine' I know a number of women who say the best thing they ever did in their life was having their kids. Clearly there are some women who regretted it though.

I think motherhood is what you make it, and the ones who struggle/struggled (IME and IMO,) are the ones who left it a little bit later (mid 30s+,) to have their first. They were feisty, professional, career women, and had total control of their lives and their careers, but couldn't control this tiny human they created, and it messed with their minds, and they couldn't cope. Many of them got back to work ASAP and passed the childcare onto a nanny or childminder. Quite a few of them regretted having a child for a while. (Some still do.)

I definitely don't regret having mine and wouldn't change a thing! Never been a professional though, had them both just before 30, and never been fussed about my job, or climbing the career ladder! Just a regular admin worker who has worked part time (18-20 hours a week,) since my children were born! My 2 DC are both well-educated professionals.

As for me, I really don't care that much if my DC don't have children. I will be happy if they do, and will love them to bits, but at the same time I'm not fussed if they have children. It's very hard to explain. Basically, it would be nice to have grandchildren, but also I am not going to be 'sad' or upset if I never have them!

I have said to my DC though, that if they DO decide to have them a bit later (like nearly 40 or something!) I will be around 70, and will be a lot less likely to be able to help them. I am 60-ish now, have moderate health issues, and struggle a bit with my mobility. I would be reasonably OK with babies/toddlers now - but in 10 years time (or even 5 or 6 years,) it will very likely be a different story.

Of course it's okay to feel sad and seek solidarity on here. It's hard when life doesn't turn out as you expect and can feel like a loss. However, try to keep your feelings from your DC. Having children is so personal and complicated without parents hopes and expectations. Remember that those who have been unable to have children will of course not become grandparents either. Families can be wonderfully complicated but just as full of happiness and love.

As I say to my toddler, all feelings are valid. But you need to be careful how you express them.

I’m 43, single, only child and no children. My parents prefer me to be happy than being feeling awful with a partner and children. They knew that they would never have grandchildren when I was in my early twenties.

Yet I was with my ex for 4.5 years and his mother wanted us to have children. Even on my last birthday with him, I received a box of ovulation test kits. Didn’t see my ex MIL after that - that was 6-7 months before my ex and I split up. Plus that put a strain on my ex’s relationship with his mum,

Parents should not be forcing their children to become parents themselves. Having children should be the choice of the couple, not their parents or other members of the family.

My ex’s brother has 5 children of his own plus two step daughters. Plus ex MIL is still in contact with his ex step children. So 9 grandchildren and step grandchildren. So she isn’t without grandchildren but all come from one son.

From personal experience, for what it's worth, it stopped after 40.

But I agree. Don't guilt-trip. Many of us look at the state of the world and have decided not to bring children into it. The choice should be respected.

I would be sad if my dc didn't have children. I'd want them to do what they wanted though, so if they felt their lives would be better/happier without them then of course I would support them.

My parents adore their grandkids, and I was adored by my grandparents. It can be a very special relationship. Children bring me a lot of joy (prob why I had them and work with them).

I would be very sad - for myself and for my children (even if that was their choice - I'd believe they were missing out).

YANBU to be sad. Its natural. YABU if you mention it to them.

My friend married and, after being told they could not have children, decided not to adopt/foster or try IVF. Being an only child his parents would never have grandchildren. Years later his wife left him. He began a new relationship and, in his early 50s, had a son. His parents are now grandparents, in their 70s. So you never know what the future will bring.

Of course you can feel sad about it, you just don't let on that you feel that way. I would have been sad if I didn't have any GC , not because I have no hobbies or friends or anything else in my life and not because I wanted to pretend they were mine even though I had already had my turn at parenting.

The simple reason was because I loved my own GPs and had a good relationship with them which was different from the one with my parents and I would like to have a similar relationship from the other perspective.

Well, they might have children but it's unlikely given my youngest is 42 and nothing on the horizon. Of course I wouldn't dream of sharing my feelings with them. But I do worry they may live too much in the present and placed too much emphasis on material things and they may regret this in the dusk of their lives. My children have been the greatest joy of my life, nothing has come close, I'm sad they won't experience this form of fulfillment. In all honesty there is a peculiar irrational existential dread over the fact that they are the end of the line, an unbroken thread from the mists of the beginning of time - snapped. I know this is crazy though.

My mum had a number of biological grandchildren and great grandchildren. My step dad has none of his ‘own’ . He is grandad to all of them, and a far better one than my father would have been.
My mum’s closest relationship is with my son, despite the fact that he is adopted and we live the furthest away, apart from the one in Australia. Biological links aren’t everything.

No, I understand the end of the line thing. Neither of my brothers had siblings. So the line has rather diminished - though it has sort of opened up again.

Would you feel this way if they adopted? Is this more about your bloodline?

I don't think it's wrong to be sad about not being a grandmother.

Yep I’d be extremely sad not to have grandchildren

Neither of mine are having children, I’m at peace with their decision.

Of course, on occasion I have pangs of wondering what it would have been like, I think I would have been a good very loving nan.

Like the OP I hope they don’t have big regrets when they’re much older, I love feeling they’re love and care for us, that’s not guaranteed of course, we got lucky.

I hear you, OP. Never saying never, but I would be extremely surprised if I ended up with any grandchildren. While it doesn't bother me in the slightest at the moment (I'm only late 50s), I think I might feel a pang when I get a bit older and my siblings/ friends have another generation in their families.

I'd never let on to my DSs though. And at least I'm not required to be an unpaid babysitter!

It depends if your children are male or female.

I believe 50% of women over 30 in the UK are childless.

42 is leaving it a little late but not too late...

A neighbour has 3 children and thought they were going to be grandchild-less. Two of their children lived career focused lives where having kids would not be convenient, and the youngest son blamed his wife for being too old (!). They split up and ex-wife had a one night stand and got pregnant - turns out it was him firing blanks! Anyway, he re-married to someone who had zero egg quality, but their first child was born to them when they were both 46! Donor egg and sperm.

There are plenty of other ways to live a fulfilled life.
I am sick of people implying that people who choose not to have children (or can’t have children) are not living a fulfilled life.
It seriously grates.

@Jjiillkkf or maybe accept that they want different things to you and that they are happy not having children and will continue to be. Children don’t equal fulfilment in life!!

Precisely!! I don’t have children, have no desire to have them and have an amazing and utterly fulfilling life.

I understand this completely. Having children in the family is lovely. And I too have this irrational vertigo about being the last person in my line, since the very first single celled organism first split into two, to add to the line. It's not about blood, either. Adopting would be the same to me as what you give of yourself into the next generation is far more about love and how you raise them.

I have loved my years as a mum. I only had one child because the relationship with DP turned sour after our one and I didn't want to bring a new baby into that. I often think that I will live to regret that decision. A lovely grandchild in 30 years time would be another opportunity to form a wonderful relationship with a child in my family. But of course if my one DC chooses not to, I'd be happy for them that they're making a decision that's right for them.