To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

She earns her tutoring. Nothing to do with her brother.

I made that point too, apparently I can't expect a 12 year old go earn it, too.

Any advice from anyone in a similar situation?

This FIL wants you to pay for tutoring for your nephew as well as your niece so they are both treated the same and yet he favours the nephew over and above the niece? What an utter hypocritical (insert swear word of your own choice here).

What does he mean he is willing to compromise? This has nothing to do with him it is between you, your sister and your niece.

Do please ram a cake up his nose at the earliest opportunity.

If you have to see him at functions prepare what you are going to say to him in advance, keep it short, pithy and deliver it in a calm, controlled manner - do not rise to his bait just keep repeating calmly what you have to say.

'How I spend my money is none of your business FIL. And really it's nothing to do with Sister and BIL either, so I wish you'd stop bothering them about it.' Is probably the best option. And be polite but firm in sticking to that line, try not to get drawn into an argument over it.

I'd want to say 'Stop being a sexist old tosspot, you've made your granddaughter miserable enough over the swimming thing, without taking this from her as well. What exactly is your problem with a young women having help and support to be a success? Do you even want a relationship with her?'
But I probably wouldn't. Because it's likely to be incendiary and you're trying to avoid that.

Good on you for having your neice's back though, she's lucky to have you in her life, it's sad that her own parents haven't stood up for her more.

Your BIL needs to step up here - this man is nothing to do with you and the idea of letting him use a birthday event to bully a family member about their generosity is unacceptable. BIL needs to tell him in advance, drop this nonsense about the tutoring or you’re not invited.

If he’s not prepared to stand up to his dad and you do end up in an awkward situation at a party I would just say “Why, what subject does Nephew need tutoring in?” or “Well, we can talk about that when Nephew is doing GCSEs”. No point actually engaging as he’s clearly not a person who’ll be won round by reason.

Oh I can try to keep it brief, but he will not hesitate to follow you around telling you exactly how you should do things mostlyto suit him/his narrative. The man is a menace.

He needs to keep his nose out. To be fair, it’s your bil that should be speaking to his dad about mhob.

Definitely stick to your guns. Sounds like the GF is spending money and time with his GS but completely ignoring his GD. How absolutely awful for her. I understand that the lad has sen but that shouldn't mean your niece has to not have anything herself. She's earning her tutor money so grandad needs to shut up and leave you to it.

BIL is unlikely to say anything as they live in a house bought by his dad and without him they would not be able to afford the school catchment for DNephew's school, which is convincingly the best place for him.

Bonkers. He's absolutely bonkers.

Not of dear acronyms in there, would really have been easier to write and read without that.

He's a 50s regurgitate, that's what he is, especially with DNephew. DBil is only son out of 4. His sisters have boys, but they get treated just like Dniece, because they "won't carry the family name". He's beyond disgusting.

He’s willing to compromise on what?! What compromise is he making here??

I wouldn’t go to any family parties where he was. Tell your sister/BIL that it’s up to them-you’ll pay for her tutoring or not pay for it.

If he follows you round talking at you - I have said all I have to say on the subject and I am not interested in anything you have to say now be a good chap and find something else to do.

Stand your ground for your sister and niece, tell the insufferable FIL it is none of his business what you do.

Has he bought a house for all 4 of his children to live in, just out of interest?

Get his number and have it out with him in private so it doesn't happen in front of the children. Their parents should have already put him in his place for such unfair treatment of your niece and nephew.
Do it in a very calm and reasonable manner, don't lower yourself to any aggression he may present with. If it comes back on the parents it's tough really. I hate confrontation but when you have children you need to be strong enough to advocate for them and not allow others to treat them poorly, they have allowed this with your DN and it's not on.

The easiest solution is to tell him to GFH. This wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't a sexist arsehole.

He's apparently willing to compromise on allowing me to pay for Dnieces tutoring. He's under lifelong impression he gets to tell any woman what to do or not to do. According to Dsis, it's amazing he's even willing to compromise with a woman. I may have had words at this point.

Surely you don't been to spend much time with bil father? I've met mine once at the wedding

Of course not. Doesn't help that the house is about 200 yards from his, neither.

You sound so thoughtful and lovely 💖 what a generous offer. Fuck D”GF- you’re not doing anything wrong xx

His "logic" baffles me.

Even if we did acknowledge that you should give the same money to DNephew, surely you'd say "yes, when he is 15 I will pay for GCSE tutoring in the subject of his choice too, in lieu of weekly babysitting payments. He will be treated the same as his sister. I won't pay for tutoring at age 12 because I didn't do that for neice, so it wouldn't be fair"

Then cross the bridge in the future about DNephew 😂

Sorry, couldn't follow all the Dsil & Dbil so in the confusion I just wanted to ask.....

Was the adult that takes your nephew to football bought a season ticket as well or did you say they have to buy that themselves ?

If so Premier League ST are can be pretty expensive - £500 or more (London clubs nearer £1k).

I'd be asking FIL to buy the parent a ST as well, thus freeing up money to spend on DD (your neice).

Or have I got it all wrong

The only way to avoid him is to go LC with my sister, which I refuse to do. He let's himself into their house whenever. I try to get my sister over as much as possible, but I'm a good hour away.