To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

Parking the fact that it’s absolutely none of the man’s business what you do for your niece, you are not paying for your niece’s tutoring, she is earning money by babysitting and then deciding to spend her earnings on furthering her education.

Like others, I really struggle to understand how your sister and BIL can allow this all to happen - do they not understand the devastating impact this must be having on your niece’s mental health, and in particular, her self-worth? I apologise for being blunt, but I think it’s utterly disgraceful.

What a bonkers situation.

I would tell fil that you're paying for your niece's tutoring to make up for the shitty book he gave her.

The absolute fucking audacity of the man 🙄

If child is in school he won't lose his place if they move a little further away.

I'd speak to him on the phone. Let him blather and tell him you will take his viewpoint under consideration and ignore him

I'd also consider telling dsis that there's no harm in selling on the away game tickets to make it more affordable to attend home games

It's sickening that your sister and BIL are allowing this to happen to their daughter op! I don't care how fecking tired your BIL is, this is his daughter ffs! She'll end up needing therapy if this carries on. There are other places they could live, and other schools that your nephew could attend if they cared enough to put this right. I hope they're prepared to lose their daughter to keep that nice post code. I'd rather live under a bridge!

You sound like a fantastic Aunt, I bet your niece feels like you're her only ally. Don't give this arse wipe of a GF any more of your time and energy, focus on your niece. If arse wipe has a go at you at the next family gathering, show her what a strong and competent woman looks like.

I'm afraid this is on your Sis and BIL. They are allowing their daughter to be emotionally abused and neglected so they can have a free house. Why the fuck are they even telling FIL what you are doing??

There comes a point where they can't bury their heads in the sand, surely. You need to have an honest talk with Sis because she is damaging her relationship with her daughter forever.

Your sister and brother-in-law are allowing themselves to be bullied. They're frightened his father will take away their home but giving in to him just encourages him to come up with more ridiculous demands. Tell the old twat that tutoring is off and rearrange without letting him know. If away football matches were missed (tickets could be sold) a huge amount of money and time could be saved - make excuses if the FiL asks (health, travel problems).

Long term, your sister and her husband would be much happier and healthier if they took charge of their own lives.

"Thank you for bringing it to my attention"

"Oh, I agree I need to give some thought to the matter, thank you"

"Thank you for sharing your opinion, I appreciate it".

And then continue as you were. I suspect your niece will have a lot of emotional fall out from this at some point so you might want to consider saving up for a therapist too. Having you in her corner is probably more valuable than any of you realise right now.

OP, as a PP mentioned, the season ticket only covers home games, it also only covers one season. Your BiL has chosen to take his son to the away games, if he didn’t then he could take his daughter swimming every other week. The new season has only just begun, so if they had previously been doing this that would be last season, so the swimming can recommence.

Regarding the FiL, a simple, ‘please don’t tell me how to spend my money, I don’t tell you how to spend yours’ (or something similar) repeated in a calm manner is more likely to get a result. Anything else is likely to turn into an argument where things are said that may be hurtful to your niece or nephew.

Actually I wonder if the only thing you ought to do in response is tell your niece she doesn't have to work for her tutoring sessions and that you won't hear another bloody word about the matter.

She should know that she is worthy of unconditional familial love and support as she sure as shit isn't getting that from her parents. She needs it somewhere before she gets involved with the first dickhead that gives her an ounce of attention and mistakes it for love!

I would just say this "not that it has anything to do with you but your darling GD is working to pay for a tutor she feels she needs as she knows her DPs can't afford to pay as they had to stop her swimming lessons just so her DF could attend the football matches with her DB on a season ticket you bought her DB. Being thecaring thoughtfullperson she is who wants a successful life she didn't want to have to take thattreat her DB has away for her academic success so is instead earning it herself"
I would make the point loud and clear in front of everyone personally too then walk off

👏 fantastic post!

I'd accidentally let slip that I'm having to pay for dniece tutoring, because thanks to some idiot giving a wildly inappropriate gift to nephew, the family can no longer afford to do it.
Also that it's such a shame she had to stop swimming as well because of it. Does fil know who the fuckwit that screwed up the family finances is?

I might also mention that all your friends in the area, think the same. Maybe even laugh and say there are rumours that it was him, but that would be such a horrible thing for a grandparent to do, it couldn't possibly be true. Could it?

Either that or how I chose to spend my money is none of your fucking business, you didn't consult with me before you bought that ridiculous gift for nephew so fuck off, I'm putting dniece needs first, someone has to you mean spirited, pathetic little man.

In the interest of keeping the peace for your sister, you will have to bend, just remember that if you bend a branch gently, it can be released to give a hell of a whack later. Just remember that you are doing the right thing, and at the end of the day it's none of his business.

If he wants to pay for tutoring for nephew he can! Equally if I were you i would kick up a fuss that he hasn't paid for an equal birthday present for her! Play him at his own game

100% agree

I was going to say I don’t see how he can stop you paying your niece for jobs or make you pay for your nephew. But I guess it’s hard to watch the pressure on your sister. It’s really her and her husband’s problem to sort out though. I don’t know how they live like that. How awful for you all being in his orbit.

This, if he does manage to confront you about it say 'maybe you should explain why you bought your grandson a season ticket for his birthday and your grandaughter a book before you start questioning me', loudly and in front of as many people as possible.

I love this, it would make me very happy if the OP could do this.

I am very sad for your niece. I've never punched anyone in my life but I could make an exception for this old git. Unfortunately I'm not vey big and my hands are arthritic so probably wouldn't make much of an impact but it's the thought that counts right😂

you could have kept out all the D nonsense

made the post hard to read

It's only a problem because your DSis is stuck in the middle, and that's hard for you to deal with. Easy for you to tell him to f off but hard for her to, and he expects her to refuse it.

How would she feel about lying to him? Send Dniece over for 'babysitting' and tutor her at yours?

Completely agree with the PP who have suggested pointing out you will pay for DNep's tutoring when he buys DN a season pass.
I'm unclear though why you BIL is paying extra to go to away games? If they are skint why not save cash by only going to the games paid for with the pass? That would free up time and money. Going to away games isn't cheap. We've always had season passes and away games were an occasional treat, which the DC's understood.
Also agree with the PP's who said you need to tell your Dsis not to discuss you with FIL. How you spend your money is up to you.
Poor DN, I'm another one who is so glad for her shes got you in her life.

How did her grandfather even find out you were paying for the tutoring?!

Sadly the chances of your niece going to university are slim. Her GF won’t want her to go and your sister and husband won’t stand up to him. It is possible without parental support of course but it is more difficult.

it may break your sister’s heart but I really would suggest to her that your niece move in with you to give her a chance she won’t otherwise have. It’s a bit of a nuclear option but if the niece wants it too then it may be worth a try

You are amazing. Thanks for looking after your niece. Any time FIL tries to bring it up, hold up your hand and say "no thank you". And turn away from him. It will drive him insane. And/or pretend you can't hear him. Don't stoop to a conversation with this AH

This.

Just pay her for the babysitting. If she happens to turn up early for half an hour and have her own tutoring session at your house, that she is paying for - well that’s her choice. You would have of course considered the nephew for babysitting, but as he is at football all the time, there is no way he will be able to do it as he’s too busy.