To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

Your sister is an adult, so tough. If your dniece would feel happier living with you then suggest it

Me too. I'm too old to pander to this kind of shit.

"I'm not sure why you think this is your business"

"My financial arrangements are nothing to do with you"

"I'm not really interested in your opinion on this"

"Thanks for sharing your opinion, but it hasn't changed mine"

Can you 'tutor' DNephew (have a nice time with him) and tutor DNiece?

Look this is ridiculous.

Look him hard in the face

And tell him it’s absolutely none of his business what you do with your money.

Just to point out that your niece is 1 year away from applying for emancipation from her parents.

It might be worthwhile seeing if she would like to do something about that when she turns 16 as her father, mother and grandfather (and probably the rest of the family) are treating her terribly and she doesn't have to stand for it. It would be like throwing a stick of dynamite in the family but they are being absolutely horrible to her and deserve nothing less!

It's also nothing to do with your Dsis's FIL what you do.

If you choose to let your DN babysit and her parents agree that's all that matters, no of his concern.

Also, you can't buy a season ticket for at least u14s without buying an adult one as well. So I'm not sure you're getting the full story here either. I think dbil does want to go, there's no need to attend the away games either, that's an extra expense he and your sis are choosing to make. They care as little about fairness as your FIL by the sounds of it

On these threads, you often get people tell you, when you complain about your MIL or some such, that you have a DH problem. Well I am afraid, @FluentRubyDog, you have a sister problem. It is because she has become beholden to here pig of a FIL and her spineless husband that you are in this situation with your niece. Your sister needs to stand up for her daughter and stop being so bloody wet.

edited for typos

Obviously the only answer to him is "fuck off you misogynistic coffin dodger, I'll spend my money however I please and if you don't like it that makes me even happier because as a woman my favorite hobby is pissing off dinosaurs who should have died out" (I'm not really known for my diplomatic skills!)

I only found out years after but my mother and grandparents fell out for several years because they treated my brother better than me. It was only when they apologised and rectified their behaviour that things improved. In the end, ironically, I was closest to my grandfather!

This 👆🏻

Surely you tell the arsehole that you've decided against it all, but carry on anyway? Arrange tutoring for days she's at your house (come up with excise for fil) and then serve her favourite dinner and spend quality time with the poor thing!

Tell him as a compromise you will pay for tutoring in one subject for your Dnephew when he is 15 (exactly the same as Dniece) and in return he pays an equivalent to the football ticket to Dniece for swimming or other activity she likes. That's a compromise. Then just let him rant, he'll run out of breathe eventually.

"I won't be doing that"
"I'm not discussing my finances with you"
"This isn't your business"
"Your opinion isn't relevant on this"
"This is between me and my niece and I won't discuss it with you"
"If you feel that strongly, you're welcome to pay for the boy's tutoring yourself"
"You're being extremely rude, and I won't respond to you further"
"This isn't up for discussion"
"If you want to compromise - I'll pay for his tutoring if you pay for her swimming" (obv only if that's an option)
Ad nauseam

You really should if for no other reason than her mental health will deteriorate if she has to spend any more time with these people who are abusing her financially and emotionally.

I know this sentence will be hard to read but to hell with your sister - she isn't standing up for her daughter when she should be going full on Mama Bear on her FiL's ass!!!!

I'm so cross for your niece. She deserves so much better and she got dealt a shitty hand when it comes to her parents and grandparents. Her aunt however rocks!!!

I'm going to hell for even typing this but I'd be tempted to say 'with any luck you'll be fucking dead by then'.

But I'm a bit of a nasty bastard.

This is probably the most diplomatic response !
Whilst ofc I am sure you want to give him a piece of your mind
.. this is probably the one that will work

I even considered offering my niece to move in with me for GCSEs/A-levels, to take her out of the situation, but it'd break my sister's heart.

Your sister's broken heart doesn't trump her daughter's broken spirit and broken dreams. Your sister is the problem here. She's not standing up for her daughter.

edit to add, your sister is being an atrocious parent to this girl and allowing her to be abused and bullied, because that's what this amounts to, emotional abuse. Wake up!

I think this is the best idea.
Getting into a fight with a man like FIL is likely to just bring hell on the family, especially if they cant afford DS school that is apparently the best suited for him. So, as OP said they are very unlikely to cut him off..
Why Did they tell FIL in the first place? If you go with this idea, would he find out again? If so, then I would go with giving him my phone details and speaking to him oh phone (not in front of the kids at a family event) and try to be cold and polite saying I will never favour one of them (passive aggressively), so when DNeph is on his GCSEs I will also support tutoring a subject of his choice (then cross that bridge....)
Nasty situation caused by a nasty person, but with his character (although I would really love to) I would NOT add gas to the fire!
I think it can potentially backfire into the parents not agreeing for DN to take the tutoring classes based on his manipulation of Nephew being SEN and also needing tutoring support and not getting it (although FIL could simply pay for it, I'm sure he won't want to solve it this way!)
Edited for typos

I don’t know what you can do, OP, but your sister and husband need to start standing up this guy. Nephew needs to be taken to football by his grandfather, at grandfather’s expense. Niece needs to get swimming back and tutoring. They need to stop allowing someone else to run their family, just because he wants to.

Your sister and BIL are complicit in his behaviour. I find this really upsetting.

I have two boys and both have ASD - my PIL have them twice a week (their choice entirely), take them all over the place and celebrate them and all of their accomplishments. Because they love them.

My DH would not stand for anything else and I would cut ties with anyone who didn’t treat my boys with the care and love they deserve.

I have an overbearing FIL who thinks he has more of a say in how DH and our children spend their time and how DSIL, DBIL and Dniblings should spend their time and money too.

Advice? I told him to fuck off and also to get a grip of himself.

Strangely, we get on a bit better now but he also doesn't yammer on in my earshot about how he thinks everyone should spend their lives and money. If he does, I tend to give him A Look and we all have a laugh about how ridiculous he is. Ha ha ha.

So maybe try that.

But your DSis FIL really is given too much power by her and her DH. He's already mucked up swimming. Your arrangement with your niece is none of his business. You could tell him she's babysitting for crack instead.

It's sad, but ultimately, it's your DS and BIL who need to stand up to him. I'd keep out of it as much as it as possible, and I wouldn't take any bossy calls from some several degrees removed relation by marriage if I were you.
Is the house in your DS and BIL's names (ie gifted) or is he on the deeds? I'm guessing the latter. This can be the problem with family money, it often comes with conditions and sense of entitlement in the giver!
Maybe instead of tutoring you could research some maths resources online that may be able to help your DN? and both of you keep mum? Like maybe there's an online resource you can buy a years membership for her or something?

I think the only way to just avoid an endless argument with him, is to have DSIS DBIL to tell the asshole that you aren't paying for the tutoring anymore....and then just do it, without him knowing..

the bigger problem I forsee, is DBIL and DNephew turning into him as they age? why hasn't anyone told him where to shove his opinions?

The grandfather is an arse. But I think we'd already established this

Oh I love you, thank god your niece has you. I'd be encouraging my DSIS to give DGF my contact details so I could discuss it with him directly if I were you. I'd cause WW4 and the cheeky fucker would never dare bring it up to anyone again but I am a complete arsehole at times so appreciate you may want to tread more carefully 🤷‍♀️