To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

You seem rather involved in their lives .....

Just ignore him

I would let them give him your contact details. And speak to him and say…

Oh George! Lovely to hear from you? How are you? You looked so well last time I saw you! (asslicking always helps when it comes to old, arrogant blokes!)

Yes that’s right, I have offered to pay for Emily’s maths tutoring, she babysits for me and rather than pay her £50 a week to spend on make-up and junk I wanted to put it towards something worthwhile. She’s very bright you know and her Maths is holding her back a bit. She wouldn’t ever let on George but with Jack and her Dad going to football every week she felt terribly left out. I appreciate Jack needs help too, but I’m exceptionally close to Emily and because of Jack’s needs she can get overlooked. Her babysitting really helps me out and if can just get her Maths grades up a bit, she’ll really fly. Hope that’s cleared it up a bit George, look forward to seeing you at the birthday celebrations next month. Cheerio.

Be breezy, but assertive. Think ‘fuck off George, with polite and well mannered undertones’.

Why did they tell him? Surely none of his business.

You got it pretty well, my brother in law has had to buy the ticket, plus cash out for all the away games. His dad only paid for the grandson's season ticket. Of course, my nephew is on cloud no.9 about it, so they couldn't/wouldn't tell him not to take it.

I’d have gone ballistic at that point! This is for bil or your sister to sort, not you. If they won’t stand up to his sexist nonsense and you have to see him at dn’s or dn’s birthday, tell him to shove his misogynistic claptrap, how dare he force the season ticket on dn to the detriment of his sister, he’s disgraceful, then walk off. If he follows, I’d be icy cold ‘I thought I’d made it more than clear that I don’t want to talk to you because you’re sexist and how dare you even dream of trying to stop me offering tutoring which has nothing to do with you?’

I would take great pleasure in speaking to him face to face about this…let him rant and rave and try and tell you how to spend your money. The only response I would give would be literally belly laughing in his face. Laughing more and more until tears are rolling down your cheeks. Then walk away without a word. Fucking tosser.

The father in law is abusive. If the niece's parents put up with him they are as bad. The situation is hideous and they should cut ties. Why on earth accept the season ticket? They should have declined it if it takes all their spare money to use it. I mean how ridiculous.

If they won't cut him off then all you can do is quietly help your niece. Do t discuss it with him. Beyond saying that you will make sure your nephew is given the chance to earn some pocket money when he's 15.

I don't see any need to explain, if I said anything it would be along the lines of ' Arrange the words off and sod into a well known phrase or saying'.

What is Dsis's take on his treatment of his granddaughter OP? Does she see/admit to the way her DD is sidelined and disadvantaged by her GF, and to some degree (BIL should never have allowed her swimming to be compromised) her own father or is she in denial/defensive about it? I'm just a bit baffled as to why you are having to advocate for Dniece and her own mother is not already doing it? I would be having very strong words with my Dsis about that, is she not embarrassed and ashamed that you are having to step up for her daughter?

Don't do this. You have no reason to engage with him whatsoever, so don't. If he confronts you at a family party, just tell him is views are not your concern.

If your Dsis and BIL refuse the tuition money from you / babysitting payment, that's on them.

But you have no obligation at all to discuss your financial decisions with this man.

It’s none of his business whatsoever though? 🤷‍♀️ I’d just say there’s no discussion/compromise to be had, I don’t even understand why he was told about it? It’s nothing whatsoever to do with him!

They won't cut him off, because they can't be sure he won't toss them out of the house and even nephew out of his school, for all the grandfather's proffessed love for him, if they stand up to him.

I bet the football season ticket was deliberate to stop your niece swimming because she was good at it and enjoying it.

If FIL says to you anything about being willing to compromise just look at him and say Oh you are so funny chauvinistic arsehole fake laugh and fake smile and leave him perplexed.

I know, I tried telling my sister that, but she's not the most assertive person in the world, shall we say.

This is outrageous! Why don’t any of them stand up to him? It’s absolutely absurd they’re now financially obliged to cover all this.

What you do for your niece is literally nothing to do with the FIL, who sounds like an overbearing old fart.

Tell him you're doing it to even up the scales after all the money he's spent on football for your nephew!!

if i were you and he approached me I would let him say whatever he wanted, look like i was listening, then just walk away without a word.

Well if your sister won't stand up to him then you need to! It's none of his business what you spend your money on, so no explanation needed.
Just ignore the prick, or tell him to fuck off and mind his own business. I'd probably do the latter.

I'd just say that when nephew needs help gcse wise that obviously you'll be happy to help where you can and leave it at that. I don't see why he got to know about it in the first place though. Also, why nice couldn't have carried on swimming, that's on her parents.

So he bought them a house outright? So they have no mortgage payments? Surely they’ve saved enough from this to be in a position to buy their own house & sack him off?

Your BIL and SIL are going to have to grow a pair. The dad sounds monstrous. Someone needs to confront him and tell him to wind his neck in.

Why doesn't the grandfather take his grandson (and undoubtedly his heir) to football?

Why did anyone even think of telling a man like that the his granddaughter was having extra maths tuition? They need to really limit what they tell him.

A phrase I often use in a situation where someone wants to override any decisions I make, is to calmly say “ I neither need or seek your approval for my choices” - and then I walk away.

My sister is now disabled following her health issues, so things are tight anyway.

Tell DSIS/FIL the tutoring is off.

Then arrange it again without him knowing. Just don't tell the horrible bastard about it.