To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

Is DN at a special school? Are there any schools nearer DBIL's work that he could go to? Is the house in dickhead's name?

My mum had a touch of DSis about her (very different scenario but allowed her children to be treated differently and I was never really considered).

I’ve never really forgiven her. And whilst she died before we could deal with the issues I’m not sure how we’d have put it behind us.

Tell him you’ll pay for your nephew’s tutoring (only if you want to of course) when he pays for the equivalent of a season ticket for your niece.

Reading this another way:
BiL is exhausted

• (due to FiL's insistence on sending DNephew to a particular school and BiL being so weak willed)
• he commutes up to 3 hrs a day (that's 1.5 hrs each way which a lot of people do btw).
• He does more than his fair share of the housework (that he also contributes to creating too don't forget).
• On the other hand, he does get lots of time off due to the requirement pushed on him and DNephew to attend regular football matches for X club
• DSiL doesn't get this and neither does DNiece...yet their FiL is on MY case for daring to do something useful for DNiece.

The man is shattered with it all.

I don't feel an ounce of pity for him, I really don't.

Your sister and BiL appear to have sleepwalked into a situation where the FiL has absolute power over them. And the malicious old git is so steeped in misogyny that he’s exercising that power by demanding your niece is treated like Cinderella, and they still aren’t standing up to him. I’d say getting the poor girl out of there and giving her a chance is best for everyone.

It’s none of his damn business so I would be telling him to keep his nose out if he confronts you. Or you will be giving him your two pennies worth about double standards and the football season ticket. Two can play that game Mister….

But really this is up to your BIL to sort out. He needs to stand up to his bully of a Father.

The only response to a prick like this, if you HAVE to have a conversation with him, is 'Oh Fuck Off John, you pathetic, misogynistic twat. Fortunately I'm not married to you or part of your family so you get no say over how I choose to spend my money. Now don't ever speak to me again'.

And walk away.

No advice sadly, but I know of a similar situation. Three siblings, two girls and and boy who was the youngest. Came to the time for the boy to start school and the grandfather paid for private school for the boy only, with additional rugby coaching to get him on the school rugby team. The girls got nothing. Luckily they are lovely girls and it didn’t sour their relationship with their brother. Definitely keep standing up for your niece.

Your niece is lucky to have an auntie like you.

Sounds like all the adults should have told FIL get to fuck a long time ago, really.

"Lovely idea getting the season ticket, I hope you will both enjoy going to all the matches together... haha what? You think we're going to buy an extra ticket so one of us can go with DS? Don't be daft, we can't afford it"

"Why are you dictating to other people how they spend their money? That's not how it the world works"

Etc.

This.
There's no discussion to be had. You don't need to find ways around letting this idiot allow you to spend money on your niece. Simple.

I'd tell them all that you've seen the error of your ways and that the tutoring is now cancelled. Then have your niece round once a week to 'babysit' and have her tutoring session then (obviously not baby sitting).

The next time you see FIL and he tries to engage with you say 'fuck off George you nasty old cunt', flip him the finger, drain your drink, shove it in his hand and walk away.

You have done nothing wrong except in the eyes of this horrible man. Think of your niece and stay strong.

No doubt he has some sort of control over DBIL and DSis, but he has zero control over you or any say in what you decide to do.

I'm sure it will be a horrible experience but just put on your best resting bitch face and tell him it's none of his business and you have no intention of discussing the issue with him,

Whats the worst that can happen? He may make all sorts of veiled threats but what can he actually do to stop you?

Oh god just tell him to FUCK OFF

Or tell him the fucking truth - that they can't afford to send his son with his grandson to the football !!!

Yeah i would probably more than likely end up speaking option 2 and explain the present difference to. Just because your nephew is SEN doesn’t mean he should be getting favoured more than niece. I would have probably said something to dsis well before now to.

Please don’t do what a lot of posters are suggesting and pretend the tutoring is off just to placate this foul specimen. That is called pandering and there seems to be too much of it. It needs to stop

It's not his nose that needs the cake ramming up

WHY won't your DSis and her H stand up to the bully? Frightened of being cut off?

Um.

Tough?

What a cunt. Carry on as you are.

I'd just ignore him when you have to see him and smile serenely if he speaks to you in a foul or aggressive way. Maybe a head tilt smile and "are you ok? You seem quite worked up about this". Don't try to reason with him, there's no point.

I feel sorry for DSIS and BIL, but they have to fight for their DD and not let that awful man fuck her life chances. That's their problem.

Or - how about you gift niece tutoring lessons your Christmas - and get your nephew a book 😂

Who owns the house? (Who's name is on the deeds?) If it's your DBiL, then I don't think they can be tossed out. If the FiL, then off they are not paying fair market rent, that could be problematic, if not illegal.

No advice about FIL he sounds awful. However if your DN has SEN, then your BIL may be entitled to a free carers ticket at the football. If they claim DLA for him then I think they can. Might be worth looking into.

@FluentRubyDog

So it sounds as if he didn't 'buy them a house', he bought himself a second house and they are allowed to live in it. In exchange, he runs (or attempts to run) their lives. Unfortunately that's the price one pays for accepting favours from others. I totally get that they're doing it for their son and I don't disagree with that decision, but the 'price' is the same regardless. Not to mention the additional price being paid by your niece.

What can you do about how he treats your Dsis & her family? Nothing, if they don't want to stand up to the Auld Bastard (AB) so be it, that's on them. You do what you want for your niece and if your DSis & BIL are so spineless that they refuse to allow it, that's on them, too. But if I were their DD I'd never forgive them for sacrificing my potential Uni & my future career out of fear of a man who will be dead long before I am. And if I were you I'd tell your DSis & BiL that there will truly be hell to pay if they give him your contact info.

I think your idea of having Niece live with you during her exams isn't a bad one. I know you said your Dsis would be 'devastated' by it, but TBH I'm not so sure she would. Not that she wouldn't miss her, but hopefully it might be 'out of sight, out of mind' for AB.

As far as upcoming events you might both be attending, if he says anything I'd simply turn and walk away. If he follows you get him to a place where no one is around and hiss "You have no say over how I treat my family members so I don't want to hear one single word out of your mouth. If you keep following me around I will make such a scene about you are harassing me that will wake the dead". Then do it if you have to.

Again, I have sympathy for your Dsis and BiL wanting to give their son the best chances in life possible. But it's not right of them to sacrifice their DD in doing so and it may cause resentment on her part. Since DSis and BiL won't live forever it's very important for their DD to have a good and close relationship with their DS if he is going to need 'extra care/help' once they're gone.

None of his f**king business what you do with your money, THAT is what you say at the next family gathering, then walk away.

I think FIL's name is on the house.

Your BIL and SIL need to stop telling him things. This didn’t need to be an issue